Narcissists Don’t Have Kids — They “Make Babies”
They create an extension of themselves.
At the very start of my relationship when it was still an affair, we were lying in a hotel room together when a text from his wife came through on his phone:
“Woman on the train breastfeeding. Getting broody. Put a baby in me, will you?”
I looked at him confused — what a weird way to speak about creating a family, I thought. He shrugged and said, “Yeah, that’s just the way she speaks. No romance or love left whatsoever.”
It wasn’t much later that he used a similar phrase. This time he was the one wanting to “put a baby in me.” I’d never met his wife, but I know that they started dating when she was 16.
Looking back at this message now, I wonder if this was really the way she spoke, or if it was something she had picked up over the 10 years of being with him. It wasn’t the only phrase he used that struck me as odd when it came to his relationship with children, but it wasn’t until I learned about narcissism that I was able to put things into context.
Why do they want to make babies?
I remember lying in bed with my ex when he brought up the topic of having babies again.
“You know I really love my son, but my wife and I were never a good fit. She has her good sides, of course, but she is nothing like you. You are so pretty and incredibly smart, I just cannot help but imagine how our baby would turn out like.”
Occasionally he would speak about his genes, how smart all of his family was, how his thick hair meant he would never go bald, as well as other little things mentioned in passing that were accompanied with sentences like, “You see, I have good genes…” or “You can look forward to that our child will...” Other times he showed me pictures of his son as a baby and said, “Isn’t he cute? I make cute babies!”
At the time when he was still desperate to “make a baby” with me and brought it up at every opportunity, I was in the idolisation phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle and his wife was at the discard stage.
He always said how much he loved his son but occasionally commented on how he wasn’t as smart as other children his age. Our baby would be different.
Narcissists see themselves as superior, so their “genes” are superior too. In the idolisation phase, they perceive their partner on the same level. But it’s only a phase because no one can truly be as good as them. Soon they will find perceived flaws and ways to put their partner down.
As soon as I had entered that second stage of the abuse cycle, known as the “devalue phase,” the baby wasn’t a pressing matter anymore. When I would bring it up, I would get responses such as:
“Well I think it will be a few years, to be honest, we probably want to travel and enjoy ourselves for a few years first.”
or
“That would be the worst thing that could happen right now with our lives being so unstable.”
How do they treat their children?
I’ve read a lot about the relationship narcissists have with their children and I have to say that I find it difficult to spot. I always thought he was the best dad anyone could wish for and that I was so lucky — he was going to be the most amazing dad and stepdad.
He seemed to love his son more than anything. He even cried when he was away for too long and always played with him and took him places. He was never lazy or wasn’t one who couldn’t be bothered. He would take the time needed to teach and discipline him and still, was always concerned that he wasn’t a good enough father. As funny and charming as he was with me in the start, he was always great with my kids and they absolutely loved him.
But narcissists cannot see their children as individuals with their own personalities — they view them as an extension of themselves. His little boy was only three-years-old and growing up with a narcissistic father, I know how the relationship develops when children develop their own personalities.
Even at this young age, I got a glimpse of what their relationship really looked like. Every time his son “acted up” or did something he didn’t expect, he got irritated and stressed out, and nothing could calm him down.
He sometimes got angry at his son or jerked on his arm and though I never witnessed any major violence, it puzzled me that he couldn’t accept if something didn’t go to plan, like when his son had been carsick when we wanted to go out.
But what really struck me as odd later on was the things he felt proud of. Like when his son had apparently started to wind people up, which was one of his master skills.
“I am so proud of him, he is already learning how to wind people up, he will be just like me.”
Another time when he was potty-training his son, he was so proud that he was the one who had achieved this. As a reward for making his first poo in the potty, he had promised his son a reward. My ex was obsessed with Legos, so what did he get his three-year-old son as a reward for going to the potty? A £250 lego set, one that his son couldn’t build, and wasn’t allowed to touch unless he asked.
A reward given to the child by a narcissist is a reward to themselves.
Children are possessions like cars and houses and perceived as objects that don’t exist as separate entities.
The premise behind is:
Without me, there would be no you, hence everything you do is a consequence of me. — Alen M. Vukelić