Narcissists and Scapegoats
Its the Law of Abusers
A very basic, or shall I say “Law Of Abusers,” is that every kind of abuser needs a scapegoat. Be it psychopaths, serial killers, domestic abusers, or a bully, every one of these abusers needs a scapegoat to carry out or practice their abuse. Agree?
Narcissists are no exception to this. They are the most common abusers in society. And that means there are numerous victims/scapegoats out there enduring their abuse for years together without awareness of blaming themselves.
Scapegoating is usually done in families, workplaces, and schools. While in marriages, they don’t need to scapegoat, you’re the only spouse, so abuse comes by default.
Who are narcissists?
For the ones who don’t know, narcissists are people with an inflated sense of self-interest. They suffer from a personality disorder called NPD, as in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And as a personality group, they lack empathy, are extremely selfish, manipulative, grandiose, lack any remorse or guilt, and exploit the people around them.
It could be your parents, siblings, spouse, neighbor, friends, or possibly anyone. Here is an article to check if you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Grandiose — Perception that they are better than everyone.
Why Do Narcissists Pick A Scapegoat?
The world is hell for a narcissist; they simply want you to taste a little bit of it. Why is it hell for them when they’re abusers?
They’re never at peace with all the pressure of keeping up with their fake shows of fake superiority. They are constantly insecure about how they look and how they’re being perceived by the people if they match or exceed the level of dignity in a room full of people/society.
They are just insecure, unemphatic beings. And to satiate all their needs to look great, dominate and feel good, they need a scapegoat.
Using them like a punching bag to lash out all their frustration when they look at people who’re doing better than them.
It helps them feel superior in their family when they abuse. When they’re jealous of someone, they like to belittle & tame the person. And on top of all, they lack empathy and love to make others/family members suffer.
How Narcissists Pick Their Scapegoat
It hurts me to say it’s always the good ones. C’mon they need someone to feed their narcissistic supply of entitlement, abuse & gaslighting; a bad fellow wouldn’t endure their abuse, he wouldn’t entertain them.
So they need a docile scapegoat.
Gaslighting — Manipulative tricks/phrases narcissists use to blame or belittle you. In short, a way to show that they’re always great & right and you’re worthless& wrong.
Here are a few traits that they look for in a scapegoat.
Someone Who Loves Them
Yes, that’s right. It’s a situation where the answer to the question “Was falling in love with you my fault?” is going to be “Yes.”
When you love someone, you show vulnerability towards them. You leave space for compromise & adjustments. A narcissist needs that space to manipulate you.
They want you to adjust to their abuse, sacrifice your freedom of making choices, and adjust to their entitlement towards everything you own. Often parents & spouses take advantage of this.
You love them and are ready to make sacrifices, but you live in the darkness where all they’re doing is for your welfare. At least that’s what you heard from them. You believe they love you, but you’re nothing but a source of their narcissistic supply. They enjoy abusing you. You’re just a scapegoat for a narcissist.
A narcissistic parent scapegoats one child, and that one suffers the most in the family. Either because he/she is better than the narc or simply because he/she doesn’t fit with their idea of “perfect” physically or intellectually.
You’re Weak or Better than the Narcissist
In both cases, you’re doomed with a narcissist. They hate it when you’re better than them at something or overall. They want themselves to be the center of attention, so when you pose a threat unknowingly, they find ways to bring you down.
The means to do that are verbal abuse, shaming, & gaslighting. Making you believe you’re worthless and just trouble in their lives. They exhibit their dominance in the family using abuse.
Or even if you’re weak and emotional, that’s an open invitation for the narc to use you. It’s either because you don’t serve their image well in public, or you just take all their abuse without complaining.
You Empathize with Them
That’s a blunder most people do. Empathizing with narcissists with their superficial concerns. When you empathize with them, it’s a sign that they’ve successfully manipulated you. Now they make you believe everything they say.
They abuse you while making you question yourself if you’re the one hard on them. They make you believe you’re worthless and they’re suffering because of you.
Effects of Being a Scapegoat
Low Self-esteem
Unfortunately, the after-effects of being a scapegoat are intense & crush the victim’s self-esteem. Since the victim has been facing all the verbal and physical abuse, where he/she has been constantly degraded, belittled, and manipulated, they start believing the abuser.
Their perceptions about themselves change, and they believe they are worthless and deserve no good. Especially when the abuser is a parent, the impact is more intense as the abuse had embarked at a tender age.
Transactional Relationships
In families, the abuse is transactional. In this sense, the victim is listened to or met with basic needs or tolerated only when he/she bears the abuse without complaint.
So this affects future relationships as well. The victim believes that he/she is obliged to do a favor to receive something in return. This can prevent a victim from building deep relationships.
Anxiety Issues
Whatever a victim does to please the narcissist back-lashes on them. So the clarity of what is a good or bad gesture sort of gets vague. They tried pleasing the narcissist but faced abuse in return, over and over again.
This also causes trust issues.
This pattern creates anxiety issues in the long run. In future relationships, the victim is still confused and anxious about treating their partner appropriately.
For more information regarding the effects, refer to 7 Signs That You’re Facing Narcissistic Abuse.
Tips to Heal From Narcissistic Abuse/Scapegoating
Self Discovery
The first step and the most effective & crucial step towards healing. Since it has become your belief that you’re not good enough from the constant verbal abuse, the best way to undo it is to move towards reality.
Know the real value of yourself. Try doing things that you’re scared of, or think you aren’t capable of. Only then you’ll what your real value is. Don’t worry that you may fail. Everyone fails before succeeding. First shot success is a fluke. If not, it takes a lot of hard work.
Distance Yourselves from the Narcissist
Even if it is your parents, it is your need to distance yourself from them. To let positivity flow in, it’s important to stay away from negativity. Besides, staying close is just going to make things worse.
They’re going to accuse you falsely or maybe of something you might’ve done but just ignore it and move on.
Draw Boundaries
You’re done with the abuse. Now, don’t let anybody cross the line. But first, define the line. Don’t tolerate or entertain negativity. Feedback is fine, but shaming is not.
Don’t let people control you.
Love Yourself
Know that every mean thing the narcissist has told about you is a blatant lie with the only intention to hurt you. Move past that and start loving yourself. Treat yourself frequently, and enjoy life.
Have Patience & Faith
Finally, just wait. Good things will come along. Good people are going to come into your life.
DO NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP WITH A SIMILAR PERSON. This happens a lot that people who’ve faced narcissistic abuse in the past grow up and settle with another narcissist. That’s because they’re used to being treated badly.
Have Patience, Develop Good Perceptions About Yourself & Then Wait Until a Good Person Shows Up. Have faith, don’t rush.
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