My Ten Most Hard-Earned Life Lessons About Letting Go
The more I leave behind the more I gain
Letting go has been a major theme for me since leaving my toxic marriage behind almost five years ago. Since then, I’ve offloaded containerloads of baggage, some physical but most of all of the immaterial kind. When I look back at who I was then, I’m eternally grateful for all that I’ve gained. Here are my most significant lessons—most of which took several tries:
1. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time
Had I been familiar with Maya Angelou’s words entering my twenties, I could have spared myself a ton of grief—and not to mention a decade partnered up with an abusive narcissist. Had I known my boundaries and worth, I might have walked away that very first time one of our benign arguments turned violent. He showed me who he was in the first year of our relationship, yet I gave him the benefit of the doubt—for another ten—until it finally dawned on me that; damn, I guess this is just who he is. (Duh!)
I always look for the best in everyone, and while an inherently noble pursuit, this has come back to bite me more times than I can count. I admit I’ve been naive, not just in love, but in friendships and business too. I recently learned this lesson yet again, and this time, while I surely could have seen it even sooner, I reacted early enough to step away mostly unharmed.
2. Without my struggle, I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength
Like the inspirational Alex Elle I, too, am thankful for my own struggle for this exact reason. Sure, there are times I wish things would have been easier, but I keep reminding myself that I am who I am because of what I’ve been through.
Perhaps I would have been better off had I seen my ex-husband for who he was a year into our relationship, but who and where would I have been now? Today, I’m blessed with a beautiful daughter, meaningful friendships, deep and hard-earned wisdom, strength, and newfound confidence in myself. Would I have been called to write without the need to heal and process that trauma? Would I have been able to share and help other people going through similar things? A big part of me thinks not, and I feel grateful to be exactly where I am—even when it’s not easy.
I meet many who are bitter and blame others when they go through hardship; why does this keep happening to me? It’s not necessarily the struggle that defines us, but what we choose to do with it and how we make it out on the other side. Regrets are not constructive and neither is blaming others.
3. Trust the process: What isn’t right for you will point you closer in the direction of what is
Sometimes, for whatever reason, we’re being called to learn similar lessons multiple times; that’s exactly what this article is about. Often, they’ll show up dressed in a brand new costume each time, only to reveal themselves down the line (see point one).
I’ve stopped fretting the time I wasted with the wrong person or activity, in pursuit of something I believed in. If only for your own peace of mind, I recommend not to think of something as a diversion from your path, but rather a small exploratory detour. They might set us back slightly, but these necessary parts of the journey are likely to help us discover something profound and unexpected along the way.
I no longer beat myself up for my deflections because, in the end, they tend to shine an even brighter light in the direction I need to go, making my path ever clearer. There’s meaning to all of it!
4. Your body always knows the truth. Listen to yourself!
The longer I spend in this body, the better I get at listening to it. My intuition is becoming my superpower, and while still up against my people-pleaser tendencies and the wish to see the best in everyone, my body always knows—if I try to fight it, it fights right back.
Our negative emotions are beacons; telling us when it’s time to act, or not. When something is wrong for me, I feel it in my gut, in the tenseness of my shoulders, and the heaviness of my heart. Eventually, my sense of taste, smell and even my skin will avert against the very person or issue I’m facing. When something is right, on the other hand, I feel an unmistakable sense of lightness. Tune in and listen and you will know what to do.
5. Setting boundaries is never selfish!
I was recently told by someone that my boundaries were hurting their feelings. A younger version of me may have felt bad and bent in their direction. Now I know that people who say such things are the ones who struggle with their own boundary setting and are trying to manipulate others as a result; these are the exact cases when having strong boundaries is especially critical.
My past relationship with a narcissist bulldozed my boundaries to the ground, and for a long time, I was scared of stating them, both personally and professionally. My fear of retaliation, abandonment, or manipulation invited a lack of respect in return.
As my sense of self grows stronger, I’ve come to know that I’m never responsible for how someone reacts to my boundaries, instead, it’s my job to set, communicate and honor them. My boundaries are there to protect me and my energy and communicating them to others is never mean or done to cause harm. Rather, it’s a sign that I value this person enough to want to keep them in my life. If someone doesn’t see that, they’re not someone I want around; good riddance!
6. Walking away takes more strength than retaliation
When we feel misunderstood or mistreated, it’s natural to have an urge to fight back and get even, or, at the very least, explain ourselves to feel understood and justified. We seek some kind of resolve in order to move on.
When my relationship with the narcissist ended, I spent months trying to get him to understand me. But, no matter what I said or did, it didn’t get through and only made it worse. Parallel, I felt a need to reach out to the common friends he had turned against me to share my side of the story. All of this took immense energy and only left me more frustrated, and sometimes infuriated.
Eventually, I realized that my attempts were futile and proceeded to focus on myself, my writing, and my self-expression. It didn’t happen overnight, but one day I noticed that I had managed to let it all go. I was no longer angry or resentful and I was able to forgive, not just him, but myself as well.
Now, as soon as I see that I’ve reached a stalemate—when someone is not open to resolving an issue without going to war—I simply wipe my hands and walk away. My peace and energy are too precious to waste on battles that can’t be won. I’ve come to see forgiveness as a gift I give myself and that moving on doesn’t hinge on anyone else. I used to think this meant I’m giving up and that I had accepted defeat. Now, I know the opposite to be true.
7. We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are
The ever-wise Anais Nin said the words above and embracing this notion has been essential in my learning to replace my resentments with compassion. We are all, to various degrees, made up our past experiences, many of which are lined with pain. When we lack the tools or help to process negative events, we carry open wounds that are easily triggered.
When people treat me in ways that I experience as hurtful, I remember that this is likely them acting from their wounds, while simultaneously taking a stab at mine. This perspective allows me to look at a situation from the outside and respond with kindness, both towards others and myself.
Seeing this, on the contrary, doesn’t mean that I will accept hurtful behavior. Instead, I will remove myself from the situation without carrying grudges.
8. New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings
Lao Tsu is my mindfulness guru and his words continue to guide me through whatever’s thrown at me. Life is a continuous cycle of ends and beginnings; a closing door opens another and letting go allows us to reach for the new.
Pain, I have learned, is an incredibly useful feeling and I believe it to be a prudent teacher. What has it come to reveal this time? The more I pay attention to the signs, I see synchronicities all around; the path becomes clear as I walk it and meaning arises from what was previously obscure.
9. Leaning on others doesn’t make me weak
I’ve always been independent and was lucky to grow up with the belief that I can do anything I put my mind to. This is, on one hand, a healthy outlook, but not when we believe that this means we have to do it all by ourselves.
I used to be so scared that asking for help made me appear weak that the time I had a broken foot and stumbled around on crutches for six weeks, I turned down every friendly offer to help me with chores. Instead, I mopped my floors and bought groceries on one leg and, as a result, took longer to heal than I should have. Becoming a single parent forced me to bury my pride once and for all—not by choice but by necessity. I learned that people genuinely like to help, the same way that I like to help others. Go figure! I also discovered that support and favors are not handed out tit-for-tat—it’s not expected that we exchange the same gesture back and forth—instead we let it flow smoothly and effortlessly among us.
10. I am whole, in and of myself
As a previous serial monogamist, I would use the person I was partnered up with as an indicator of milestones or phases in my life: Back when I was with x, or, during my time with y, or, in between x and y. The times in between didn’t count equally because I was just me; something was lacking. Now I know that I am complete as opposed to a half in search of completion.
I have no home but me, said American sculpture and author Anne Truitt, and these words have become dear to me over the last years of living by myself. I’ve had partners, but instead of filling a void, they’ve been the cherries and sprinkles on top — delicious, but not necessary. As much as I’ve (finally) learned to lean on and accept help from my friends and dear ones, I know that no one has my own back as I do. This has also taught me to value the people in my life much higher and, at the same time, not needing anyone.
© Ena Dahl 2021
