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Abstract

matter as an individual. Her love withheld till I apologize for my actions.</p><p id="0408">The difficult road of allowing myself to matter is a practice I have yet to master. There are moments. When I hold a line against my many imagined worries, placing my desires first.</p><p id="8ccb">Times of allowing myself to matter has become a marathon. Every choice of creating self-worth finds guilt. I feel an overwhelming need to abandon this choice to avoid punishment. But I run on.</p><p id="4b41">The goal is to matter without guilt. Then a real relationship with others will be possible. A healthy exchange between our desires will flourish. As an adult, I will finally receive my love.</p><p id="26d5">Self work is not easy. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing we are all broken children. As adults putting together the hidden pieces hoping to heal.</p><p id="eda3">Additional work published on Medium by <a href="https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B08M35QPSN">Christopher Madsen</a></p><div id="fea3" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/goodbye-my-love-5c222c778a8e"> <div> <div> <h2>Goodbye, My Love</h2> <div><h3>A poem on grieving the loss of a partner</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div>

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My Struggle to Matter

A self reflection on my co-dependent personality

I gather my self-worth through action with the approval of others. Their acceptance out of service from me fuels this interaction no matter the cost to myself. Conflicting moments often take shape as my desires get set aside to create resentment in my relationship. A feeling I’ve become capable of oppressing only to re-encounter again as anger. An emotion of blame that I quickly strike with onto an unsuspecting victim.

The anxiety I feel when answering “no” to a request or situation is a battle. A struggle with putting my desires before someone else channels a feeling of rejection. It is this feeling of banishment that I find to be my core belief.

I imagine putting myself first and feel a childhood shame. A mother labels me selfish. She points out her desire for me to consider others. Then punishes every choice to enforce that I don’t matter as an individual. Her love withheld till I apologize for my actions.

The difficult road of allowing myself to matter is a practice I have yet to master. There are moments. When I hold a line against my many imagined worries, placing my desires first.

Times of allowing myself to matter has become a marathon. Every choice of creating self-worth finds guilt. I feel an overwhelming need to abandon this choice to avoid punishment. But I run on.

The goal is to matter without guilt. Then a real relationship with others will be possible. A healthy exchange between our desires will flourish. As an adult, I will finally receive my love.

Self work is not easy. I hope that you can find comfort in knowing we are all broken children. As adults putting together the hidden pieces hoping to heal.