My Sexual Identity Is a Verb, Not a Noun

And it mostly has to do with gender

There are parts of my sexuality that I consider deep parts of myself. They’re indelible. No matter how I try, I feel like I couldn’t shake them. I don’t even think flooding myself with the right kind of porn would work.

I think of myself as submissive. I get really turned on when my partner takes a more dominant role during sex. And I don’t find it arousing to flip that dynamic.

I also consider myself a chasee. I like to be pursued and seduced. I like playing little cat and mouse games — and I’m always the mouse. Being in that position makes me feel wanted and desired.

I’m also a sexual little spoon. I tend to be on the receiving end of the massages. I get cuddled, I don’t really do the cuddling. And even though I know how to be active from the bottom, I’m still the bottom.

All that still holds true, but I’ve come to realize that it’s more situational than I thought. I’m not necessarily that way all the time. I might only be that way with men.

That came as a surprise because I’m pansexual. My sexual and romantic attraction isn’t restricted by gender. Men or women, cis or trans, non-binary — none of it limits me.

But I don’t identify with those definitions of pansexuality that say it’s about looking past someone’s gender and being attracted to the deeper qualities that make up a person. I don’t look past gender qualities — I’m turned on by them.

People of different genders excite me for different reasons. And the more I explore my fantasies and poke at my desires, the more I see that it’s not just because I’m attracted to different kinds of people — it’s also because I feel like a different person in relation to them.

Always the Spankee, Never the Spanker

All of this really came to light for me when I was interviewed for a spanking blog called Someone’s Gonna Get It.

I felt a little out of place because I might be the most tame person featured on that site, but it was fun answering the questions.

I got to talk about why I enjoy being spanked, about my past experiences being on the receiving end of an open palm, and why paddles can be more fun than bare hands.

And I was asked whether I’d like to be spanked by a woman.

The answer is yes. I would absolutely love to try that.

But after my initial “yes,” I elaborated on my answer.

As I thought through it, I realized that it’s not as simple as being into women so I’d like to be spanked by a woman. It’s more complicated than that because the idea of being spanked by a woman feels different than having it done by a man.

Obviously, it would be the same physically. Anyone can slap a butt or wield a flogger.

Psychologically and emotionally, though, that’s a different story.

It’s hard for me to explain the difference, but there’s just something about a man taking that role that feels more dominant to me. When a man takes on the right attitude, it puts me in a very submissive place.

Women don’t have the same effect on me. I can swoon for them and drool over them. I can get nervous around them and wish they would ask me out (or just kiss me, damnit). But I don’t get that same deferential feeling.

So my spanking fantasies are different when they involve women. And the things that arouse me about it are different.

I’m sure it has a lot to do with the emotional baggage I carry.

I’m saddled with daddy issues from growing up with a narcissistic father. It was difficult to win his love and approval, but I still craved it.

Because of that, I seek the attention of men in a way that I don’t with women. The validation of men I’m attracted to is like a drug to me.

When I’m into a man, I want to please him. I want to do whatever it takes to be his good girl.

With women, the attraction is still there but the dynamic is different. I can see myself being a little more dominant. I can see myself taking charge once in a while. I can see myself wanting to take care of a woman’s physical needs — not because it makes me feel subservient but because I wouldn’t mind spoiling a princess.

That same attitude came out when I played around with Slutbot. Slutbot is a chatbot you can talk dirty to, and I tried out both the male and female versions of it. With the male Slutbot, it was the usual stuff. I showed my enthusiasm for what it would do to me and I asked it to tie me up.

But when I talked to the female version of Slubtot, I found myself being dominant with her. This time, I wanted her to be tied down. Yes, it’s just a silly piece of software, but I was still surprised by how natural it felt to take on that role and how hot it was to put her in a submissive place.

When it comes to men, I don’t have a dominant bone in my body and I can only see myself as the bottom. I can’t get off to the fantasy about tying a guy down, spanking him, or pegging him. I don’t have anything against submissive men at all, I’m just personally not into it.

But my fantasies about women aren’t so clear cut. I can get aroused by the idea of a woman dominating me. But I’m also really turned on by women taking on the submissive role. I find it hot when they’re blindfolded and tied down, getting fucked, and when they get a good spanking.

It’s even reflected on the superficial level. The surface-level qualities I’m drawn to reflect those dynamics.

I’m attracted to the men who come across like they’re able to take charge. I’m drawn to guys who are good caregivers and protectors. I love the ones who can give me the urge to please them by just saying a few dirty words to me. And I get a little turned on by guys who do useful and manly stuff.

Those aren’t the qualities I find myself drawn to in women. I’m into women who project a more passive image. I love sweet little cutesy girls. I like when they act shy and coy, and when they dress up and put themselves on display.

A girl could just lie in bed all day looking pretty and still win by heart.

Different Versions of Me

I used to think these things were just descriptions of what I found appealing in a partner. But I’m starting to realize they’re also things that might change me and my attitude.

With a woman, I might not be the bottom. I might be able to get into dominating her. And I find it easier to fantasize about taking care of her.

That’s a thrilling realization because it means the roles I take on can be fluid. Exploring the different facets of my sexuality doesn’t just mean that I could try out different kinds of partners. It can also be a way to try out different versions of me.

I thought my submissiveness was a noun — that I was a submissive, and that’s just a fact and part of who I am. But now I’m starting to see it as a verb — as something I do with certain types of people (and might not do with others).

Getting flirty, romantic, or sexy with a woman would mean getting to express sides of myself that don’t have any outlet in my relationships with men. So, if I ever find myself with a woman, I might do more than just admire her cute butt — I might also tie her down and spank it.

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