Medium Publications We’d Like to See
My Publication Pitches
Medium is looking for publication pitches.
I have many ideas.
Unfortunately, Medium has certain “criteria” or “wants” for the publications they may back. Pesky things like “good writing”, “expertise,” and “quality”. That’s so dumb.
The world is chock-a-block full of publications packed with “information quality”, “focus”, and “good writing”. If I wanted to read that dreck I could just buy a subscription to Harper’s and call it a day. The New Yorker once published a 50,000 word article on zinc. I read it*. It had all of the above. I let my subscription to the New Yorker lapse.
I’m not sure Medium even really wants what it says it wants. My guess is that they are not about to back a publication devoted to the metal finishing industry regardless of how focused and full of information quality it is. I bet they hope in their greedy little Silicon Valley hearts that someone will pitch them something “high quality” and “edgy”.
Unfortunately, the Internet has made the unmentionable mundane. What was once “edgey” is now “classic”.
While I used to think that I might be interested in a publication named “Paraphilia Today” or “Bad Tattoos”, I’ve seen so many articles in my regular news feed from Vice, Vox, and Mashable that I’m not sure that I want to know where you end up if you go past bug crushers and big babies.
So, my pitches to Medium will make no pretense of quality, professionalism, or “information accuracy”, nor will they be “of the now” or “hip” in an attempt to steal ideas from underground culture and hack the next new “thing”.
What follows are the publications we need, not the ones that Medium wants. I won’t be doing anything more than talking about them. I have no intention of launching a publication for two reasons. The first is that editors have to say “no”, which is why moms and librarians often make good editors. I don’t like to say “no”. I happen to be really bad at saying “no”, especially to myself.
The second reason I’m not really going to do the work and try to launch a publication is because I’m a blogger. Blogger, not an editor, man. Bloggers just let the dreck roll, like I’m doing now. Sorry that this is the way you had to find out that you are inside my Saturday morning fever dream, but here we are, huh? Why not just keep reading? I’m still writing, man.
Idea #1: Cat Obsession
I am a graduate of the Radcliffe Publishing Course. I think I went there in 1992 or something. I got to hobnob with titans of Boston Publishing (that’s a joke. By 1992 the Publishing in Boston was dead). The only thing I remember from my time at Radcliffe was that “Cats Sell”. Truer words were never spoke. On the GoComics site, a comic called “Breaking Cat News” gets hundreds of comments every day:
There is no end to cat mania on the part of cat maniacs. My first publication pitch to Medium is this:
Name of Publication: Cat Obsession
High Concept: General interest magazine written from the perspective of cats. All authors adopt cat personas and then do things like review Arianna Grande concerts from a “cat’s-eye-view”.
Exit Strategy: Spin off to an biannual, ad-driven, large format glossy with an “editorial board” completely composed of cat food company executives, high profile veterinarians, and cat breeders.
Idea #2: Beergut: The Magazine of Male Fragility
I recently read James Finn’s advice column on whether or not jerking off can break your dick:
I’m very thankful for such stories on Medium because most male health columns are found next to pictures of young men with healthy hair wearing clothes I can’t afford. Where is the general interest magazine for the mensch?
I have fatasized about it for a long time. I think I made the first iteration of a Beergut cover when I was about 20. When I was young, I thought the publication would be devoted to “Beer, Sex, and Death”. Understand that back then when I said “Beer” I meant … Heiniken, I think…. and when I said “Sex” I really meant “tits”… and when I said “Death” I didn’t know what I was talking about because I hadn’t buried anyone yet.
Times have changed and I have changed. Drugs aren’t funny anymore.
And a “Men’s” magazine is a dumb idea when I share more in common with post menopausal women and transgender guys worried about nose hair than I do with kids who have flawless skin and knees that don’t scream with pain when they climb up on a kitchen counter.
Name of Publication: Beergut
High Concept: Like Lear’s, but for men, and inclusive of people who identify as being a “guy” even though they may be new to being a guy or aren’t even a guy. Also inclusive of dirty old queers who don’t want to have anything to do with “guys” even though they share a lot of things in common with them.
Topics and Ideas for Articles: How to bet at the dog track, best ways to cook hamburger, glucometer hacks, why you shouldn’t take investment advice from the idiots on the Yahoo message boards, how to prepare for going to the dentist, furnace reset buttons, can jerking off break your dick, is Kevin Costner a “good guy” or the world’s most hateable person, if you have to get a sandwich from Subway this is what you should order, Frito flavors we’d like to see.
Exit Strategy: Once we get “traction” in popular media, we sell the licensing rights for the brand to Johnson & Johnson so they can make Beergut branded foot powers and nail clippers.
Idea #3: Trumplandia
I’ve tried to quit Trump. Really I have. Every couple of months I make a concerted effort to stop reading about him. But. I. Can’t. Stop. There are three self-destructive and pathological/addictive behaviors that give me a weird, out-of-body, self-hating thrill. They are:
- Eating fried chicken and Yodels naked in the dark
- Expressing acne in a high magnification mirror and “better than adequate” light
- Reading negative things about Trump
So, why can’t we just go for it, huh? You know, if you have a song that is a mild obsession the best way to get rid of it is to listen to other sound worms. It’s called a counter-irritant. You replace:
With:
It works. I promise.
What if we went “all in” on Trump negativity? It doesn’t matter that it’s what Trump wants. We could create a place on Medium where we currate the best in Trump hate every day. Call it Trump Derangment Syndrome if you like. I don’t care. I’ve got the fever and the only thing that will cure it is reading the fan fic of other trump haters. For example:
My Friend Paul: “I will not be satisfied unless I am the person that gets to put plastic handcuffs on him and lead him out of the White House. Anything short of that is a disappointment.
My Brother, “Boy”: I have updated my sentencing of Leona Helmsley. I want Trump to be assessed a large fine and the only way he can pay it off is the following: He is put in stocks in Battery or Bryant Park in NYC. Maybe the location can change to distribute the tourist dollars. He has to be IN THE STOCKS for all daylight hours. People stand in line to take selfies with him. Each person has to pay $1 to take the selfie and the dollar goes to the city. Good for New York, and good for Trump. Everybody wins.
Here is the pitch sheet:
Publication Name: Trumplandia
High Concept: Like “High Times” but devoted to hating Donald Trump.
Exit Strategy: My great-grandson gets interviewed and when someone asks “Why are you still editing this publication?” he replies, “It’s hard for us to understand. Nobody even remembers who the Trumps were, but there are people out there, like me, whose families devoted a vast amount of mental energy to thinking about the Trumps. So, when I come to a question like ‘why didn’t we buy land in Greenland during the 2010s?’, the thing I have to remember is ‘Donald Trump’. Without this publication, that link would be lost.”
- When Tina Brown took over the New Yorker she said something like “There won’t be any more 50,000 word articles about Zinc.” I was a subscriber to the the New Yorker and I think I have a recovered memory of the article, but I have looked for it and can’t find it. I’m not sure it really exists. I would love to see it if it does.
Others in This Series: