Summary

The article humorously proposes innovative dog breeds tailored for modern needs, such as a Squirrel Terrier, Silicon Valley Malware Pointer, Provincetown Incontinent, and Vagina Mastiff, reflecting a desire for animals that are more aligned with contemporary urban and suburban lifestyles.

Abstract

The author of the article laments the lack of recent innovation in animal breeding, particularly in the realm of domesticated animals, and suggests that Agriculture Schools should focus on creating new breeds of dogs that serve practical purposes in the 21st century. These proposed breeds include the Squirrel Terrier, designed to outsmart and catch squirrels; the Silicon Valley Malware Pointer, capable of detecting digital security threats; the Provincetown Incontinent, a dog with controlled bowel movements to accommodate pet-friendly environments; and the Vagina Mastiff, a guard dog specifically bred to protect its owner's vagina. The article emphasizes the need for domesticated animals to evolve alongside human technological and societal advancements.

Opinions

The author believes that animal breeders have not kept pace with modern innovation and that there is a market for new, practical dog breeds.
There is a perceived need for a dog that can deal with the overconfident squirrel population in suburban areas, suggesting a mismatch between current dog breeds and the need for a more specialized hunter.
The article satirically suggests that in a high-tech world, dogs should be bred to assist with high-tech problems, such as detecting malware.
The author expresses a desire for a dog breed that would make living with pets in urban, pet-friendly areas more hygienic and convenient by controlling when and where it defecates.
The concept of the Vagina Mastiff is introduced as a form of canine protection against sexual assault, highlighting the author's view on the need for more assertive measures to ensure consent and personal safety.
The author implies that current dog breeds are not adequately meeting the needs of modern society and that selective breeding could address these shortcomings.

Dog Breeds We’d Like to See

We hear a lot of talk about innovation. Medium is filled with stories about technological, biomedical, and financial innovation, but what about old school innovation? Do the people who used to develop things just stop progressing when other people start making cooler things than them?

Do the mechanical engineers look at the all the press that electrical engineers get and just want to give up?

What about animal breeding? Breeding animals has been a hot spot of innovation ever since the Neolithic Revolution, but what have animal breeders done for us lately? The last domesticated animal was the hamster, circa 1960, and we still don’t have a domesticated cat the size of a labrador retriever. Why not? I’m no marketing genius but I would bet that a 45 pound domesticated cat would be a bigger hit than the iPhone. I, for example, don’t care if I have an iPhone or not, but I would really like to have a 45 pound cat.

I’ll be blunt. I’d like the Agriculture Schools (You know who you are, and last time I looked my taxes were paying for your tenured teaching gigs) to get back to work in the animal husbandry shed and start breeding some animals we could use. [the wet sound you just heard was a vegan’s head exploding].

I wish we didn’t use animals, but since we do, let’s move beyond hypoallergenic labradoodles and lap dogs that look like babies and start breeding some working dogs for the twenty-first century. Here are my suggestions.

Squirrel Terrier

There are fox terriers and rat terriers, but as far as I know, there are no squirrel terriers. Do you have a problem with foxes or rats? Maybe in the city you need a rat terrier. In the suburbs you need a squirrel terrier, but there is NO SUCH THING AS A SQUIRREL TERRIER.

There should be. I’ll tell you why. The squirrels in my yard are the haughtiest rodents on the planet. They mock my chocolate lab. My lab is a wonderful, lovely creature. She is, in every way, spiritually superior to me, but she is dumb. She is relatively slow. She can’t climb. The squirrels on my property are wild, breathtakingly athletic, and ever vigilant. It is a horrible mismatch. They run away from the feeders slowly when the dog comes out. They no longer shift into fourth gear because they know she will never catch them. Even if she did manage to catch one of those scatter-hoarding motherfuckers, the lab would not know what to do. She doesn’t have the drive to kill them. They know this.

When she stares at them through the glass of a window they don’t even stop eating.

Now, imagine I had a squirrel terrier, a dog fast enough, mean enough, and cagey enough to catch one of the overfed kings of the ex-urbs. Maybe then the gray bastards would have a little more respect for dog-kind. Maybe they would say, “The lab is a joke, but the lab has a friend that kills” and then wait until the door is closed before heading back to the bird feeder.

Silicon Valley Malware Pointer

If we are hunting for animals outside we have lots of dogs that can help us. Sight hounds, scent hounds, pointers and retrievers can provide meaningful assistance, but who hunts animals anymore? Wouldn’t it be better to have a dog that can tell you if the milk has gone bad? Where are the sockhounds and phone retrievers? I know you can train a dog to identify mold, but I don’t want to train the dog, I want the dog to find mold as “part of the breed.”

What about a dog that could sniff digital packets? Is it possible to breed a dog that can detect malware and then point to the server, phone, or tablet that is infected? That would be helpful, right? We need high tech dogs for our high tech age.

Imagine you are standing in the kitchen when your partner calls out, “Honey, Otto is pointing at your iPad. Where have you been browsing?”

Provincetown Incontinent

The worst part of owning a dog is the same problem with owning a goat. Goats shit. So do dogs. Increasingly, nobody wants to deal with dog shit.

Provincetown, MA is one of the dog friendliest places in the United States. Dogs are welcome everywhere in P-town, even on the beach. In such a pro-dog atmosphere it goes without saying that everyone is very careful to pick up after their pet. Which creeps me out. I can’t shake the suspicion that anyone wearing a fanny pack or carrying a small bag might be transporting a load. Kind of kills the fun of afternoon tea, doesn’t it?

Why don’t we develop a breed of dog that shits within a half hour of eating or only when it is dark outside? How about a dog that will hold its shit for up to three days if it is not at home. That can’t be a hard selection. My mother used to do that involuntarily. Just breed a dog that will only shit at home. It’s crazy that we haven’t already made more progress on this trait. Dogs still try to bury their stools. Why hasn’t that been bred out of them?

I’ve often said to my dog:

“Look Aggie, not only are the four backward thrusts of your hind legs meaningless on the surface of this parking lot, but even if you could lightly cover your deposit with a sprinkling of dirt, I would still be obligated to dig it back up and put it in a plastic bag for you. Spare me your theatrics and try to hold off until we’re behind the Chipolte over there.”

Vagina Mastiff

Men pretend that they’re all about protecting the vagina, but that’s bullshit. If men really wanted to protect vaginas they would have developed this dog by now.

The vagina mastiff would be bred to protect its master’s vagina. No ifs, ands, or buts. To approach the vagina, the master would have to call the dog off. For example, a woman is watching Netflix… something, something, something… she pulls down her sweatpants… looks longingly at her partner, holds up a finger to to show the wait signal, then says “[insert dog name], unguard.” Only after the command can things proceed. Otherwise someone is losing a limb. I bet you know which limb a vagina mastiff targets first.

Here is another scenario for our new favorite working dog: A young lady goes to a party. She drinks too much and passes out spread eagle on the front lawn with her panties exposed. Guess what is standing directly over her groin? You got it. 150 pounds of snatch guarding fury. No consent? Someone is losing a limb.

Dogs aren’t foolproof or invincible. You see a vagina mastiff eating a steak next to a passed out woman, you call the cops. You see a dead vagina mastiff on the street, you call the cops.

A guy in a bar says that he will walk the inebriated girl home to “keep her safe.” Everyone says to our suddenly altruistic good citizen: “No need for you to go, her bitch has got her front.”

Now, please leave the dog breeds you’d like to see in the comments.

Thank you for reading this far into the mire.

Others in the series of “Things We’d Like to See”