My Psyche Is Cracked

Can you see it?

I have been thinking about my inner feelings — maybe over-thinking.

Sometimes it will bring me to tears at any unsuspected moment. I try not to talk about it with anyone. If a conversation leads in that direction, I will avoid it. I try to shroud my emotions and keep them to myself.

Why? Because I feel a crack in my psyche. I am breaking apart, so I try to control it.

There is a shifting in my spirit — the person I am inside.

I question who I may become in the future. What will happen to me, and what I might do to protect myself — to survive.

Now I have a greater comprehension of what so many people experience every day. What does it feel like to be helpless, to have no money, and nowhere to live?

My mind swirls with scenarios that cycle through in a jumble everyday. It wears on me and tears me apart. I can feel it — the cracking of my protective shell.

I want it to stop.

I have written about what has led me to this point here. Reading it will explain how I have come to this crossroads in my life.

So much of this centers around money and the safety it can provide, but it is so much more.

This is about sanity. It involves digging around inside me to find the strength to move forward. It is fear of the unknown.

What am I capable of becoming?

Feeling this way shatters me and impedes my ability to think. I will feel in control one minute and disorganized the next. I start to do something and then walk away, leaving it unfinished.

I get angry quickly — not at someone else but rather at myself. Irritation has become my constant companion. I do not enjoy my life.

Every morning when I wake up, I attempt to start on a positive note. I look outside for the sunshine — it is so much easier when the sun is shining. I focus on those things that comfort me. At night, before I sleep and I have a quiet moment by myself, I seek out any positive events that may have happened.

There are days when I find it difficult to find positivity in anything and feel despair.

There are many opinions written about coping; I read them all the time. I have even written about them myself. I know what they are, and they do help.

Right now, nothing seems to be enough. The problem is I know what is coming. I know what to expect. How will I cope then?

Now I know what it is like to feel hopeless.

“One should . . . be able to see things as hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald

I am trying.