Life Is About Change

Life is like a Chess game; the decisions we make shape our lives

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” — C. S. Lewis

The years 2020 and 2021 have been so overwhelming for me. I have had difficulty handling the continual barrage of events and ensuing emotions. I am sure there are so many of you that feel the same way.

I have a 2022 calendar on my refrigerator and I often look at it with hope and expectation that it will be a better year.

Will it be? I cannot expect everything to be better just because there is a new number attached to a new space of time. If there is to be a better year it is up to me to make that happen. I cannot anticipate waking up on January 1, 2022, and knowing that the world, my world, is a better place.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if that were true for everyone?

To be truthful in the last year and a half there have been times when I have been desperate and wallowing in emotional distress.

First, there was Covid. Like everyone I did not realize the impact, it would have on the world. Now, I have felt its effect and know it has changed so much for all of us.

For me, Covid has made me realize just how much people are changing. It is not so much our attitudes but how we act upon them. It is a time of struggle and turmoil and I am anxious to see what the results will be; positive or negative.

I miss seeing and interacting with people especially my family. I miss my sons desperately at times and could easily sink into depression if I let myself; I try not to do that.

All of this has been complicated by what comes next…

Second, on July 11, 2020, my husband had two strokes, the second stroke coming mere minutes after the first. He spent a month and a half in the hospital with three weeks in the rehabilitation center.

While he was there he developed anxiety. A life-changing, overwhelming, debilitating emotion that would change our world.

You could see it happen and watch as it took over him. His demeanor would change and you could see the panic slip over his body. He would vomit and his heart rate would rise to dangerous levels; a condition called tachycardia.

We were both hopeful that when he came home it would be better, that he would feel safe. Nice thought, but it did not happen.

He was crippled emotionally and if anything it became worse. He continued to vomit and a bucket was his constant companion. It even went to bed with us each night.

There has been no help allowed by my husband. His anxiety consumed him. Anyone else entering our home or even the ringing of the phone was too much for him to handle.

The health services and rehabilitation he should have received at home could not be done. There was an attempt made but my husband’s heart rate went so high it was a danger to his life. He could have had a heart attack or another stroke; he could die. The nurse left and said they could not help him until the anxiety could be controlled.

I asked both the health service and our doctor about medicating him to control his anxiety and was told that it was not recommended at that time because it would likely interfere with any positive rehabilitation.

He has not been seen by a doctor and he wants no visits with friends or family. It took weeks before he would talk to his children on the phone.

We are locked in what he considers a “safe” place.

There has been some slow progress and I am hopeful, but it has been a sad life for us.

Third, as a result of his health, I took over everything from the simplest tasks to making all decisions.

My husband had always controlled the finances. Our main source of income was his retirement.

Over the years we had talked about his retirement income and what would happen when he died. He always told me by the rules of his fund I would receive half of that amount each month.

For some reason, this had always niggled away at me. I wanted to know for certain. From time to time, I would ask him to verify and he never did.

After his strokes, with his resulting incapacity, I used my Power of Attorney and made what turned out to be a very important phone call. The answer would shatter my world.

When he dies I will not receive any portion of his retirement. Zilch, zero, nada.

That devastated me, bought me to my knees, and to a state of panic. What will I do? How will I survive?

I wanted to scream at him but how could I? Not now, not with his health and his abilities. It would just make everything worse.

If we had known, if he had only asked that one very simple question, we could have lived our lives so differently.

I was filled with rage and had a very difficult time controlling my feelings.

Was I resentful toward him? Yes, I was. Did I think less of him? Yes, unfortunately, that is true. I was angry, disappointed, hurt, and frightened.

Here is the interesting part, I am also angry at myself for not being more assertive. There was a reason for that niggling feeling and I should have pushed for the answer. I feel he is to blame, but I am as well.

When he dies, what will I do? I honestly do not know. There are many variables that will influence what I can or will do. Like this one…

Fourth, in July of this year, I was diagnosed with cancer. On September 1st, I had surgery, and on Nov. 2nd, I started radiation treatment.

When I was diagnosed I was not surprised. I had not felt well for a long time with changing symptoms and a slow progression into exhaustion.

So many symptoms that were related to many potential illnesses and easy to ignore. Even doctors did not put them together into a diagnosis instead focusing on something else. Partly my fault and partly the doctors. We all depend on them and sometimes we cannot.

When I zeroed in on what I felt was wrong I called a doctor’s office I had gone to for years. They refused to give me the test I was requesting. A test that would later potentially save my life.

The cancer was found literally in the nick of time. It was a time bomb ready to explode, a FIGO grade III. I feel very lucky because the cancer was contained and testing determined it had not spread to the lymph nodes.

I will have radiation treatment as a preventative measure, just in case any cancer cells linger.

Recently I talked to someone who has lived with cancer lingering in their body for years. I told them I have a good prognosis but keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. They agreed; it is a feeling that does not go away. How could it?

Once you have cancer it is hard not to worry about what might happen next. Did they really get it all? Will it come back?

I am sure I will spend the rest of my life wondering about any odd feeling or potential symptom I might have. Is it back?

What is next?

I wish I had a plan. A solid plan that gives me confidence in my ability to turn this around. How do I go forward from all of these events that have filled me with negativity?

This has been a difficult time filled with ups and downs, mostly downs. I am trying to stay positive, but I keep waiting for the next bad news. Part of being human, but I firmly believe that it is also part of being human to always strive to be better.

I did not have much control over the last year and a half but going forward I am hopeful.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” ~ Socrates

This is my plan.

The first thing I have to do is build strength and resistance and rebuild my health.

Exercise

I started using the treadmill a week and a half after my surgery following the guidelines of walking and with no incline. I listen to Michael Jackson’s DVD Number Ones. I walk at 2.5 miles per hour and use my arms to increase my heart rate.

Once my three-month restrictions from surgery end on December 1st I will increase speed and incline and mix it up.

I plan on doing the following:

Yoga & Pilates

Kettle Bell, weighted ball, and handheld weights.

Deep Breathing — after surgery I read about this and have already added it to my life plan. There are many benefits and I recommend it for everyone.

Continue to improve my diet and eat healthily.

There are two books I recommend. Diet For The Mind by Dr. Martha Clare Morris and Keep Your Mind Sharp by Sanjay Gupta. Both books talk about improving your diet and exercise to improve your health, mental capacity, and longevity.

Nurture my husband. It has been a difficult, emotional time for both of us. He is slowly progressing and becoming less anxious, but it is always there around the edges of his being. We have settled into a more comfortable time for each of us. We have made progress.

Income

I will be in a very bad place when my husband dies. It will be a life-altering event emotionally and financially it will be a disaster. My source of income disappears.

This is what I am having so much trouble with. What do I do? My mind goes blank, I freeze like I am struck by lightning. My thoughts scatter and go round and round in circles.

Truth be told, I am terrified.

Slowly I am trying to build a realistic plan of survival. The problem is how do I define realistic.

I am starting now to take baby steps to build an income through writing. I know it will take a very long time, but it is what I want to do. Hopefully, I can slowly build a future.

Also, I know I have to consider as many sources of income as possible.

I want to stay in my house but I have a mortgage to pay. My only personal income now is Social Security which is not enough, far from enough. It will not pay the mortgage nor is it enough to pay rent.

I am 75 so it may be difficult to find employment.

This is overwhelming.

Life is indeed about change. The decisions we make shape our lives.

My life has changed and the decisions I make now will determine how I live.

I wish we had known.

If you are reading this, I hope it makes you more aware of the uncertainty that can loom ahead in anyone’s life.

We never want to think about negative happenings and we also are naive believing that nothing bad will happen. If only that were true.

Take charge, make smart decisions, and always know the details. They may become very important and leave you vulnerable and wishing you had made better decisions…if only you had known. Make sure you do know.

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” — C. S. Lewis

I wish I could go back and change what happened and now I am fighting to change the ending, my ending.