My Predictions for 2016

I know how to get the jump on you folks. Everyone is summing up 2015. Many Mediumans started a week ago. I’m going to sum up the year too, but only after I do my predictions for 2016. See, I’m going to be way ahead on anticipating what will happen next year, and then I’ll circle back and rip off your Medium accounts for the best distillations of the year that was. Pretty devious of me, don’t you think?

The problem is, where am I going to get the predictions? I decided to consult the Oracle of Delphi, who happens to reside in my basement.

Down a small flight of unpainted stairs, in the gloom of the unfinished cellar, the priestess stood shrouded in vapor (really it was the Boss doing laundry with the dryer vent kicked out of the back of the machine again).

I asked my first question; “Oh most mysterious Greek seer, tell me what kind of SLR camera I will buy this year?” “You won’t buy a camera” the oracle replied.

I was surprised that the priestess spoke such clear English… but one shouldn’t underestimate the talents of those who act as messengers for the gods.

I asked my second question. “Which movie, Oh brown eyed priestess of Apollo, will win the Oscar for ‘Best Motion Picture?’”

The oracle responded. Her answer is safely ensconced in my short-term memory. It’s as good as gold. When you win the Oscar pool at your office remember it was Gutbloom who got you there. This year’s winner will be a movie called, “Have You Finished the Dishes?”. That’s all I know. I don’t know who is in it or who directed it or when it was released. Boy do I feel dumb. I was sure The Force Awakens was going to take the prize.

Then the oracle commanded me. Through some arcane magics she compelled me to listen to her. Her voice came through the vapors loud and clear, “Why don’t you go upstairs and make a list about 2016 for your Medium friends and leave me alone.”

So here are my predictions for 2016, but, before you begin, you should know that my predictions for last year did not turn out that well:

1. Buzzfeed Will Buy Time-Life. Their “reboot” of People will be nothing compared to what happens when they put their fat fingers into Horse & Hound (“What Is Your Inner Foie Gras?”), Southern Living (“Which Confederate General/Slave Owner Are You?), and Yachting & Boating World (Top Ten Places to Pump The Bilge Without Getting Caught).
2. First Person View Drone Racing will take off as a sport when drone racers start using venues like China’s new islands, Syria’s restricted airspace, and Google’s corporate campus to hold hold races.
3. Disney Will Announce the Development of a Star Wars Retirement Community in Arizona. For $210,000 you will be able to buy a unit on the “moisture farm” and “let the droids do your laundry.”
4. Taylor Swift is Going to Form a “Supergroup” Power-Trio With Meg White and Esperanza Spalding. Taylor Swift is so successful right now that she has a 97.3% chance of flipping the “auger” switch on the “career” panel of her life by “discovering jazz” or making music, that is “meaningful, timeless, sophisticated, and expressive.”
5. The Rio Olympics Will Remind Us of What We Used to Watch Before There Was Youtube. When the kids ask us, “do you really like watching Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps?” We will lie and say, “yes” before watching another video of a woman in a squirrel suit flying between two buildings.
6. The Ghostbuster’s Remake Will Inspire Reddit Trolls to Do A Thousand Awful Things With the Phrase, “I’ve been slimed.”
7. Slashed Sleeves Will Make a Comeback. The point of slashed-sleeves was to show that you had enough money to have your clothes made from many different kinds of expensive cloth. The modern slashed sleeves will let people know what kind of expensive undergarments you are wearing. What’s the point of wearing a Jean Yu silk chiffon undershirt if nobody is going to get to see it?
8. Apple Will Develop An App for the Apple Watch that can open a jar of pickles.
9. Octopuses will overtake cats and panda bears as the spirit animals of the Internet. Did you know that if you cut off an octopus’s arm it will still move any food it finds to where its mouth should be? How does it know? It’s just an arm! The answer is distributed intelligence. Did you know if you cut off my hand and put it on a keyboard it will keep on typing garbage to post on the Internet? How would it know? The answer is: distributed dumbness. That’s my secret.
10. Kyrgyzstan will Invade Tajikistan to raise “brand awareness” for both countries. Donal Trump will fly to Bishkek to broker a peace agreement, open a casino, and sell steaks.
11. Virtual Reality will Continue to be Vapor-Ware until the summer term rolls around and I write my “3D Worlds I’d Like to See” post.
12. Amy Winehouse Will Rise From the Grave and Release a Cover Album of Carpenter Hits: I know this one seems unlikely, but if it happens I will be the blogger of the century.
13. Queen Elizabeth, Price Charles, and Prince William will each abdicate the throne in rapid succession so that GEORGE can become KING before Kindergarten. Ok, I admit that this has less chance of happening than the Amy Winehouse zombie album prediction, but it would be almost as good.