My Parents Have Never Been Proud of Me
How to fight for dreams, defeat disapproval and judgment
PERSONALITY is a constant set of psychological and physical characteristics and properties, as well as internal mechanisms regulating their behavior, characteristics for a given person. We are who we are, even if people often ask us for ‘being normal’. If you’re an introvert you know what I’m talking about. You have your wonderful dreams and you fight with people every day to make them alive. And that rocks.
It should be obvious for your family to support you all the time, every step of the way. However, you may also end hemmed by judgment and disappointments. Your goals may not be the goals they want for you.
This sick “social norms”
People expect children to be brilliant, have a school boyfriend/girlfriend, lots of friends, be popular, play in the school football team, or be a cheerleader, have good grades, no addictions, no problems at all. That is XXI century success child, and if even one thing doesn’t match, consider yourself a failure.
What if you’re an introvert? You may be smart and have good grades, but this whole socializing torture is actually out of your league, what then? Did teachers of parents ever hear of types of personality? About Carl Jung? Hippocrates? No? That’s what I thought.
Have any parent or teacher ever say ‘Amy is phlegmatic in Hippocrate’s point of view, and introvert according to Jung. She’s talented and unique’ instead of ‘Amy is a quiet child, with low socializing skills. She shows a lack of interest in the group activities, acting on her own.’ Looks different, huh?
When you’re older, new “norms” arrive. Pick a good major, find a real job, means 9–5 or in the military, because let’s be sure for most parents no different jobs are for you out there. Every connection between a parent and a child someday hits that chapter, when you feel grateful. Grateful for everything they did to raise you. And after that, you’re considering how to make it up for them. Make them proud, see this in their eyes. And imagine you’re constantly failing.
Understanding the concept of personality
The personality of each person is, on the one hand, unique, and on the other hand, the advantage of certain elements over others makes it possible to distinguish different types of personality. Thus, a person who hesitates constantly, avoids confrontation, is afraid and does not believe in his strength, has a shaky and indecisive personality.
The concept of personality appears when we realize that each person has his way of reacting. How do you perceiving yourself and your surroundings, what do you desire, what are you struggling with inside your head, and how you behave, all these constitute your personality.
Assuming that personality is a kind of structure of the human interior, we can talk about its elements, such as needs, motivations, talents, temperament, or character. A personality test can be done by analyzing emotional reactions, resistance to stress, or ways of receiving experiences.
Who we are and what our personality depends on two factors: the environment in which we live and hereditary predispositions. However, inheriting mental traits only concerns basic traits, such as temperament, and temperament is the natural ability to experience one’s life more or less intensively, to be more or less mentally active. But the System is cruel, if you don’t match the majority, well it’s gonna be a hard ride for you.
Close your eyes and keep fighting
My parents wanted me to become a lawyer. To open my own law office, in the city I was born, live with them in the house they built. They wanted me to meet someone, bring her with me, start a family, work 9–5, make money, pay taxes, look after the garden.
When I turned 18 I moved out from home, and soon after graduation, I left the country. Now I live 6,500 miles away with my lovely Slovakian girlfriend, live as a freelancer, do whatever I want. I learn languages and teach them, recently signed up for university after dropping it twice in the past (med school, not law), successfully applied the system of habits to live a healthy and productive life, do online courses. I make $90,000 — $100,000 a year, renting a house. I am 25. Am I a failure?
What was the reason for my decision to move out in the first place? The web of expectations, growing around me. When I became a senior it was hard for me to move. Like my life was already written for me. Oh hell no.
After I turned 16 it was very important for me to became financially independent. Or at least make some money for my spendings. Every work I tried — local TV reporter, event organizer, waiter, tourist guide — it was never enough. For my parents working below some ‘standard’ was nonacceptable.
I tried to call them a few years ago and got slapped in the face after two minutes of conversation. ‘Have you found some real job out there?’ They thought I am wasting my time every single day. What’s more, they thought that my girlfriend is working for us two. They thought I am a failure.
Make a shield for yourself, and carve on it few simple rules
1 Never regret anything. Every decision you make, every move you take, plan it. And do it only if it will make you profit.
2 Do everything however you want. There’s no guide on how to live your life. You have the power to create and craft your life from your dreams. This power no one ever will take away from you.
3 Remember that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one who was judged, disapproved, and treated without respect. Almost every succeded person did it because someone doubted them. It’s worth it. Life is worth it.
4 Don’t set goals. Create and follow your process. Read ‘Atomic Habits’ and other work from James Clear. Learn how to set tiny changes and connect them to create a productive life process, and follow it.
5 Find supporters. Online, or not. Find people like you, in similar situations. Tell them your story, hear them out. Start a friendship. Support each other.
6 Never give up! Keep fighting. Your dreams, your idea of life is worth every effort, even if everyone else is judging you, telling you how to live. This is your journey, your adventure. And it’s worth it.
