Why Are we Introverts so Quiet?
Questions we usually don’t bother to answer
I agree with The Socialist Therapist and the graph on top of one of his stories. During the conversation, an introvert listens for 70% time, thinks for 20%, and talks for 10%.
I observed that for some people being near an introvert is hard. We’re not shy. We just don’t want to talk all the time for some reason. We are perfectly comfortable with quietness. Maybe we don’t want to talk. Maybe we don’t know what to talk about. Thing is, we hate small talk.
Why don’t you mind your own business?
And all the questions. ‘Why are you so quiet?’ ‘You should talk more’ and even — ‘Sir, I’m sorry to ask you this, but as a teacher, it is my duty. There is something wrong with your daughter, she’s so quiet at school. Are you having problems at home that I can help?’. Yes. And after you get home, the parent asks you ‘Why are you embarrassing me? Why are you so quiet? Can’t you be normal?’. Yeah, f**k you too.
School colleagues may be even worse. ‘Don’t talk to him, he doesn’t speak’ ‘Speak up’ ‘Are you mad?’ ‘Are you okay?’ ‘OMG shall I call the Police?’ Well, we don’t care to answer. Probably we’ll just walk away from the noise.
We may not have a lot of friends. We prefer spending time alone. Nobody is complaining, we can dream without some realists bringing us down. We feel relaxed, free from expectations. We have our space, respect. We don’t have to spend money to have fun, find joy in simple pleasures like making a dessert or two desserts so one will stay for later or tomorrow. We are not depressed. Life is the greatest value for us. We love to create, dream, and consume every detail of existence.
Around the people, we may feel exhausted. Usually, at the party, we are coming last and leaving first. Not because we are disrespectful, or we don’t like the effort you put into organizing it. We need to recharge. We need to be with ourselves, to do what we love.
We don’t need attention of dozens of people on us. We don’t like being embarrassed in public. Probably we won’t be speaking again with you if you did something like that to us. We don’t like being interrupted, because if we decide to say something it must be important for us, and we want you to hear it.
Alone, not lonely
Loneliness comes by itself, uninvited, and it is usually a result of a strong urge to belong somewhere or to someone. We belong where we feel at the moment. Being alone and lonely are two different things.
“There is a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I‘ve got to see my friends because I‘m too content by myself.” — Drew Barrymore
A lot of people feel more lonely in the crowd than when they are by themself at home, or not. In the crowd, we just want to talk about something useful, that matters, solve some problem, or find a solution to help somebody. If all we can hear is small talk, well, we will just sit and think about something useful.
It is hard to find even one person in our neighborhood who understands us. People often judge us as depressed, mentally, boring. Society often rejects us the moment after meets us. Shame, because this quiet, creative, sensible humans feel bad for lack of acceptance from the world.
“The walls of books around him, dense with the past, formed a kind of insulation against the present world and its disasters.” — Ross McDonald
Introversion is not a social disorder.
And by social disorder, I mean social anxiety, because — after my research for this article — therapists say, that this is often asked question during their sessions. ‘Is this social anxiety, or am I an introvert’.
Well, there are some differences. First, social anxiety is made, and introversion is born. Being an introvert is part of you, of your personality. Social anxiety is something you gain after some event that triggered your emotions, pushed you to that. It’s a reaction to an action.
When you’re worried about what the family and neighbors will think, if you’re afraid not to meet their expectations, maybe when you feel social pressure for doing things you’re not good at, emotions grows in you, and the only idea you have is to sit and wait for them to stop. The other symptom of social anxiety is avoidance. If you don’t want to go to the party, pick a phone, or simply go out just because it is comfortable to hide in the bathroom, then I suggest you should talk to someone.
But if you just feel YOU, if spending time alone brings you joy, rest, and smile — there’s nothing wrong with you. Time for the second difference— fear of being exposed.
If you feel different when looking at yourself if you think that there’s something wrong with your head, that you should be different, more normal if you feel fear, that people will notice and expose your secret — this is anxiety. If you accept yourself, believe in your values, there should be no fear in your feelings — because there is nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not perfect, but nobody is. Introvert or not.
And the third difference. Introverts follow their paths. People with social anxiety are lost. This is because they are afraid, nervous, and alone. Nervous about what people are thinking about. Afraid because they assume that they are boring and ruining the atmosphere. So they prefer to stay in the bathroom just to make the world a better place.
Final thoughts
No one should be ashamed of being an introvert. Self-acceptance is rare nowadays, and if you feel comfortable looking in the mirror then it is your strength, not weakness.
Introversion is a gift. Most introverts don’t often realize that. I like to think, that we have Sight. We can see a beautiful world every day, not only in breathtaking places, like most people. There is a place in this world for everyone.
Yes, we are introverts. No, we’re not depressed, or anti-social. We just need to not talk to anyone for a while. And that’s okay.
