My New Roommate

With a bizarre sexual fetish

A couple of weeks ago I was outside tending to my tiny garden-in-pots on the front porch of the apartment building. I also did some pruning of a nearby shrub. (I just can’t help myself.)

I only spent about half an hour “gardening” but the temperature was in the low one hundreds (Fahrenheit). Afterwards, I came inside, took off my shirt and stood directly in front of the air conditioner to cool off. After a while I felt a little tickling on my back. At first I thought it was my long hair. I just love it when my hair tickles my bare back. But it didn’t feel like my hair. It felt instead like a bug crawling up my back.

So I went over to the wall mirror and contorted myself in order to see what was on my back and to my surprise I saw a praying mantis crawling up to my shoulder.

How freaking cool is that?!

It wasn’t a full-grown praying mantis, though. It was a baby that was not longer than an inch. After much contortion that is not normal for an old fogey my age, I managed to get the praying mantis to climb into my hand. I then took it over to a particularly dense part of the jungle in my apartment and let it loose into the dense plant growth.

I have to admit that my apartment is a jungle. It’s a tiny apartment and I have around a hundred houseplants. Seriously, the plants are about to kick me out of my own home. I have a fear of waking up some morning dead having been strangled by all the plants.

I had a similar encounter last summer. I was in the bathroom doing my business when I spotted a baby praying mantis climbing up the shower wall. After I finished my business I caught the praying mantis in my hands and let it loose in my jungle. Sadly, I never saw it again.

I was afraid I would experience the same thing this year. I probably should have caught the praying mantis in a jar and gone outside to let it loose in its natural environment. But I did not. You see, whenever you live in a veritable jungle there will be little itty bitty bugs that mysteriously appear. I don’t know how it happens but it happens.

Well, praying mantises, like many humans, are carnivores. They eat little itty bitty bugs. I figured my near-out-of-control jungle could use a carnivore or two. So I let loose the praying mantis into my jungle, hoping that it would make itself at home.

But I didn’t see it again until today.

I came home from spending the hot afternoon with my delightful granddaughters and I took off my shirt and stood in front of the air conditioner to cool off. After a while I glanced over at my kitchen counter and, lo and behold, there was the praying mantis casually walking across the counter.

And it had grown! It was now about an inch and a half long. This was good news because it had apparently found enough food in my jungle to not only survive but to grow! I was thrilled!

But it had managed to move from the densest part of my jungle all the way to the kitchen, the least jungley part of the apartment. So I scooped it up in my hands and moved it back into the heart of the jungle.

I placed it on my prize jade tree. I’m a jade tree freak. (Don’t tell anyone.) My most darling jade tree is about three feet tall with a trunk the circumference of which is equivalent to the forearm of a nine-year-old human. The tree is about seven years old and has been meticulously sculpted to be a work of art. I simply am incapable of living in an environment without jade trees. There are currently ten of them in my home. (Jade trees, by the way, are the official house-warming gift of the Chinese. They are considered to be good mojo.)

So I sat there for about twenty minutes just watching the praying mantis move on that tree. Praying mantises are incredibly beautiful sentient beings. I watched it move out to the very edge of a jade leaf and hold onto that leaf with its two back legs. Its front four legs would then flutter about in the air as though sensing how far away the next jade leaf was. Finally, it would jump over to that next leaf and then crawl about exploring. Who the hell needs Animal Planet when you can watch a praying mantis traverse a jade tree in the air conditioned comfort of one’s own home?

Of course, praying mantises have a rather disturbing sex life. After a male and female praying mantis couple fornicate the female immediately proceeds to kill and eat the male. The scary part of the life of every male praying mantis is that they will never have sex more than once in their entire life!

How would humankind change if every male human knew that they could never have sex more than once in their life? Seriously, how drastically would humankind change? Seriously!

That is one of the things I was thinking about as I watched this beautiful praying mantis traverse my jade tree. I am no biologist and have no idea how to determine the gender of a praying mantis. Surely it was the only praying mantis in my apartment. If it was a male praying mantis that would mean that it had the possibility of living a long, healthy life. If it was a female praying mantis that meant that it would never be able to create a progeny of praying mantises; no infestation of praying mantises. (Please, please excuse me for using the word, “infestation.” I am not a Republican.)

I have known at least a couple of female humans who were very much like female praying mantises but luckily I survived. So I have always felt an affinity to male praying mantises. If this praying mantis is a male and facing the prospect of never having sex again then my apartment may be the perfect place for it to be.

Anyway, I now have a new roommate in my apartment. I don’t know if I will ever see it again as it disappears into my jungle but I feel really good knowing that it is there. I actually feel better than I ever have about a bug living in my home. I send it my love.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved.

Speaking of bugs…