The Cow and the Mosquito
And their diabolical plan!
Frieda the cow was leisurely chewing grass near the barbed-wire fence on the west side of the pasture. From the corner of her right eye she spotted a mosquito sitting leisurely on the middle wire of the fence.
Frieda stopped chewing and walked over to the fence where the mosquito was perched. “Excuse me, Mr. Mosquito, may I ask you for some advice?”
“Rosko’s the name. Call me Rosko.”
“Oh, uh, okay. Hello Rosko the mosquito. My name is Frieda.”
“What a lovely name.”
Frieda batted her eyelashes.
“So what can I do ya for? I’m not very bright so I don’t know how good I’d be at advice but I’m always willing to try. If we mosquitoes are famous for anything, it’s for being helpful.”
“What? I’ve never heard that before.”
“Oh sure. For instance, we are friends with several kinds of viruses. As you know, viruses don’t have legs so they can’t walk and they don’t have wings so they can’t fly. We’re always giving them rides everywhere.” Rosko laughed, “I guess you could call us their Uber.”
“Uber. What a funny sounding word,” Frieda flapped her lips in laughter. “Yes, well…. uh…. that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m sure you’re aware of the plight of the cow….”
“The plight of the cow? You mean the fact that you are enslaved to those two-legged apes who wear clothes? How they keep you fenced in and then cram you onto trucks and then whack you and eat you?”
“Yeah, that. All we want to do is peacefully live out our lives wandering the grasslands.”
“Isn’t that what we all want?”
“Exactly. We cows want our freedom. We don’t want to be eaten.”
“You know, I heard that there is one place on the planet where the apes who wear clothes leave the cows alone and treat them with respect and the apes don’t eat them.”
“Yes, I’ve heard of that place, too. Every cow dreams of visiting there. But here in this part of the world we are prisoners and food for the apes who wear clothes. So…. uh…. since you mosquitoes are always biting those apes and since you’re good friends with the viruses….”
“Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Back up the bovine bus, Frieda. I think I see where this is going. If you want us mosquitoes to infect the apes who wear clothes with a virus that whacks them all then let me just say that ain’t gonna happen. We just bite those apes, we don’t kill them. We’re not into genocide. We don’t whack. Besides, why would we whack animals we find delicious?”
“No, no, I didn’t mean that. We cows are not only vegetarians but we’re also pacifists — well, except for that small rogue group of cows in Spain.”
“So what do you want us mosquitoes to do?”
“Well, we don’t have to whack the apes who wear clothes in order to gain our freedom. We just have to find a way to make them stop eating us and leave us alone. So I was wondering if maybe there was a magic virus that could turn the apes who wear clothes into vegetarians. That way they will stop whacking us and eating us.”
“Hmm.” Rozko thought for a moment, “You know, most all of the apes who do not wear clothes are vegetarians. Seems to me that vegetarianism is a natural diet for apes. But I’ve never heard of a virus like this before. I’m not sure there is one. And now that I think about it, I’m not sure those apes who wear clothes will taste as good if they’re all vegetarians. But hey, I’m nothing but helpful. I’ll be happy to ask around to see what I can find out.”
“Oh, would you? Would you?”
“Sure. I’ll find out everything I can and get back to you in a day or two. And don’t worry, I’ll keep this discussion confidential. We wouldn’t want the apes who wear clothes to be warned should our plan get out on the internet.”
“Oh, Rosko, you’re an angel!”
“Yeah, I get that all the time.”
Just then, Frieda the cow let loose a colossal fart.
“Gotta run!” Rosko the mosquito abruptly took flight and flew away.
There were some viruses he wanted to talk to.
Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction. Disclaimer: This old humor story is not intended as medical advice.
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