My Mood Disorder is a Red Flag I Can’t Change

How I’m learning to handle this dating deal breaker

I have a mood disorder. I try the words out to see how they feel. I haven’t really had to tell anyone who wasn’t a friend about this condition. At least, not in person. I can write about my problems all day long, but it’s not quite the same as looking someone in the eyes and dropping the news on them that I have a red flag that I can’t even change.

It’s infuriating, in a way. It’s not like I’m a cheater who could stop if I wanted. I’m not a selfish person who could learn to be more considerate. I have a neuro-endocrine disorder that includes mood fluctuations.

If I wanted to explain it more easily, I could say that PMDD is like bipolar disorder, only it’s tied to my menstrual cycle and will end when that does. But all I can think of is every single person who’s ever made a comment about a “bipolar” ex. It’s become synonymous for “crazy”, which isn’t just unkind but also completely stigmatizes mental illness. I don’t know how to date like this. Frankly, I’m doing the best I can to live like this.

It’s hard when you have something about yourself that’s a deal breaker for other people — especially when it’s not a consequence of your own behavior. Sometimes, I’m not a good listener. I get excitable and interrupt. I’m working on that. I really am. But I can’t work on a chronic illness that I would gladly stop if I could. I can’t change the ups and downs of my disorder. I can only manage them.

I did try to tell a partner once. At the time, I didn’t know all the ways to manage what was happening to me. I explained, inadequately I might add, what I knew about my disorder. But I didn’t know how to ask for support. At least, I didn’t know how to ask for it specifically enough that I got it.

I didn’t know how to say that I needed more support and reassurance during the challenging times. I didn’t know how to describe the anxiety and paranoia that would come over me — not that my partner would cheat but that he didn’t love me anymore and would leave. My self-esteem took a hormonal dive off the deep end every single month, and I needed to know that how I was feeling wasn’t the truth of my relationship. The more I tried to source that reassurance indirectly, the more he pulled away.

Going through a breakup with a mood disorder is not an experience I can recommend. But when the dust settled, I took myself to therapy. I did a lot of other treatments, too. I educated myself about what was happening. I didn’t learn how to fix it, but I learned how to live with it. I’ve even learned to ask for what I need when I’m struggling.

I feel competent to manage my disorder now. I don’t like it, but I can deal with it. I just don’t feel competent communicating about it to someone I might actually want to date.

I know that we all have our issues. No one is going to be exempt. Even practically perfect people will have life smack them sideways at some point. I just know that when the words leave my mouth, as they must at some point, I could be delivering a red flag served up on a platter. It’s going to scare people away.

But I remind myself that it will only ever be the wrong people who run. They’ll clear the field for someone who understands that it’s not the end of the world to have a partner who experiences mood fluctuations but manages them.

I begin to proactively tell people. I make it clear at the start because I don’t want to be the person who hides a red flag in the hopes someone will catch feelings before they catch on to the truth. I surrender it and trust that honesty is still the best policy even when it hurts.

I don’t know what dating is going to look like for me now. I do know that I have a red flag to get out of the way and that sometimes it will hurt my feelings when someone doesn’t want to join me on this rollercoaster. I get it though. Sometimes, I’d very much like to get off this ride myself.

Since I can’t, I buckle up and learn to roll with it. But sometimes, I’d really like someone beside me holding my hand and telling me everything is going to be okay.