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Abstract

ref="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Painting">painting</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drama">drama</a>, any of the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arts">arts</a>, or on any other occasion where skills are being developed.</p></blockquote><p id="71d5">My dear Wikipedia, you are very much behind the times. There’s a master class for everything now. Christina Aguilera teaches singing and Bobbi Brown teaches makeup application.</p><p id="5dfb">Well if Judd Apatow can teach comedy, I can teach some classes too.</p><h2 id="ae72">Collecting Promotional Water Bottles</h2><p id="c8a9">In this class, you will learn how to acquire and hoard dozens of water bottles given away for free at health fairs and conventions. You’ll learn how to inconvenience yourself with a clean lid while the dirty bottle is in the dishwasher. By the end of these lessons, students can successfully lose the custom straws as well as create frustrating clutter in their cupboards.</p><h2 id="f358">Inserting USB Connectors</h2><p id="bc37">This beginner’s class is for anyone who struggles with the correct direction when inserting a USB device. All USB types are covered, including iPhone chargers and flash drives. In this class, you’ll learn how to plug in a USB cable in less than 3 moves as well as understand the appropriate curse words when turning it upside down for the tenth time.</p><h2 id="cdfd">Acquiring Shitty Musical Taste</h2><p id="f6ba">Are you an expert at identifying great musical talents but lack the skills to find shitty bands and singers? This class will teach you how to find annoyingly repetitive beats and pitchy singers. Students will create a list of overly-used expressions, such as “lose control”, “so far away”, and rhyming “fire” with “desire”. Musical groups covered include Nickelback, Limp Bizkit, and Dave Matthews Band.</p><h2 id="545c">

Options

Making Shampoo Bottles Last</h2><p id="c043">NEW Are you unable to stretch every dollar of shampoo out of the bottle? This class teaches students successful methods of getting shampoo out of all plastic bottle types. Students can transfer their skills to dishwashing detergent and facial cleanser. Lesson 1: Determining correct shampoo to water ratio. Lesson 2: Best practices when swirling liquid stuck at the bottom. Lesson 3: You added too much water, now what?</p><h2 id="f024">Tolerating Chick Flicks</h2><p id="f714">This class is for any guy too pussy-whipped to pick his preferred movie choice as well as women whose friends repeat, “nobody puts Baby in the corner”. Students will learn how to fake cry during predictable breakups, laugh when the adorably-ugly best friend gets her shirt stuck in a car door, and demonstrate rage when the male love interest fails to see the beauty of his quirky coworker. Movies covered include <i>Runaway</i> <i>Bride</i>, <i>I Love Trouble</i>, <i>Eat Pray Love</i>, <i>My Best Friend’s Wedding</i>, and every other Julia Roberts movie (at the instructor’s discretion, movie list excludes <i>Erin Brockovich</i> and <i>Mystic Pizz</i>a).</p><h2 id="27ab">Salvaging Spoiled Perishables</h2><p id="5f64">Students will learn how to buy fresh vegetables and leave them in the fridge until they become questionable for consumption. At the end of this masterclass, you’ll be able to calculate your eggs’ actual expiration date and sniff milk gone sour. Class also includes how to cut around fuzzy mold on strawberries and how to successfully leave to-go food on the counter when arriving home from dinner.</p><h2 id="5eab">Fine Print</h2><p id="4a9b">All masterclasses are non-refundable and there is no guarantee of any useful life skill acquired. Teachers are not responsible for students’ boredom or death.</p></article></body>

My List of Masterclasses, If I Had Any Actual Skills.

Pay me a few hundred dollars and I’ll teach you almost nothing.

In my attempts to stay young and hip, I force myself to join social media sites like Instagram and TikTok (as documented in I’m Too Old For TikTok) to see what all the cool kids are up to. It seems Millennials and teenagers have figured out the art of making a shit ton of passive income using “only a cell phone from my living room”.

I’m skeptical that income from a cell phone on your couch is anything other than webcam porn. However, I’m also a big fan of something called “money”. After much research (like ten minutes), the passive income in question comes from shilling online videos. Sorry, let me rephrase: the passive income in question comes from “marketing digital content to an online audience”.

In other words, film a master class.

From Wikipedia:

A master class is a class given to students of a particular discipline by an expert of that discipline — usually music, but also painting, drama, any of the arts, or on any other occasion where skills are being developed.

My dear Wikipedia, you are very much behind the times. There’s a master class for everything now. Christina Aguilera teaches singing and Bobbi Brown teaches makeup application.

Well if Judd Apatow can teach comedy, I can teach some classes too.

Collecting Promotional Water Bottles

In this class, you will learn how to acquire and hoard dozens of water bottles given away for free at health fairs and conventions. You’ll learn how to inconvenience yourself with a clean lid while the dirty bottle is in the dishwasher. By the end of these lessons, students can successfully lose the custom straws as well as create frustrating clutter in their cupboards.

Inserting USB Connectors

This beginner’s class is for anyone who struggles with the correct direction when inserting a USB device. All USB types are covered, including iPhone chargers and flash drives. In this class, you’ll learn how to plug in a USB cable in less than 3 moves as well as understand the appropriate curse words when turning it upside down for the tenth time.

Acquiring Shitty Musical Taste

Are you an expert at identifying great musical talents but lack the skills to find shitty bands and singers? This class will teach you how to find annoyingly repetitive beats and pitchy singers. Students will create a list of overly-used expressions, such as “lose control”, “so far away”, and rhyming “fire” with “desire”. Musical groups covered include Nickelback, Limp Bizkit, and Dave Matthews Band.

Making Shampoo Bottles Last

*NEW* Are you unable to stretch every dollar of shampoo out of the bottle? This class teaches students successful methods of getting shampoo out of all plastic bottle types. Students can transfer their skills to dishwashing detergent and facial cleanser. Lesson 1: Determining correct shampoo to water ratio. Lesson 2: Best practices when swirling liquid stuck at the bottom. Lesson 3: You added too much water, now what?

Tolerating Chick Flicks

This class is for any guy too pussy-whipped to pick his preferred movie choice as well as women whose friends repeat, “nobody puts Baby in the corner”. Students will learn how to fake cry during predictable breakups, laugh when the adorably-ugly best friend gets her shirt stuck in a car door, and demonstrate rage when the male love interest fails to see the beauty of his quirky coworker. Movies covered include Runaway Bride, I Love Trouble, Eat Pray Love, My Best Friend’s Wedding, and every other Julia Roberts movie (at the instructor’s discretion, movie list excludes Erin Brockovich and Mystic Pizza).

Salvaging Spoiled Perishables

Students will learn how to buy fresh vegetables and leave them in the fridge until they become questionable for consumption. At the end of this masterclass, you’ll be able to calculate your eggs’ actual expiration date and sniff milk gone sour. Class also includes how to cut around fuzzy mold on strawberries and how to successfully leave to-go food on the counter when arriving home from dinner.

Fine Print

All masterclasses are non-refundable and there is no guarantee of any useful life skill acquired. Teachers are not responsible for students’ boredom or death.