My Life Is So Much Better Now That I Am Legally A Corporation
It’s the only way to live.
Dear friends and family,
You may have noticed something different about me recently. An upbeat attitude, a pep in my step. It’s all thanks to the fact that I’m finally embracing corporate personhood.
After evaluating the rights enjoyed by corporations versus those afforded the average woman, it just made sense to convert Samantha, i.e., me, into SAMANTHA INDUSTRIES. And I am loving it.
That’s right, I’m living my best Corporation Life — I’m talking tax rebates, perpetual existence, hell, even a little offshore drilling if I feel like it. As SAMANTHA INDUSTRIES, I have far more access to financial resources with less accountability, and I have way more influence. It used to be that I’d call my senators and maybe get a voice recording. After I told them I was a corporation, I’ve been meeting with my representatives once a week. Republicans always say that they’re pro-business, and now that I’m a business, they are pro-me.
Plus, as a corporation, everybody respects that the best decisions for SAMANTHA INDUSTRIES, i.e., me, will be made by the board of directors and corporate shareholders, i.e., also me. And since SAMANTHA INDUSTRIES is privately held, there’s no requirement to disclose any information that could potentially harm the current or future health of the corporation. Nobody else needs to be in the business’s business!
I’m telling you, being a corporation is the only way to live. Let’s say a transaction occurs that leads to the preliminary formation of a new, uncertain, pre-revenue corporate entity within the larger company, then SAMANTHA INDUSTRIES is under no obligation to bring it to term — cause, look, it may not be in the shareholders’ interests. And we gotta do right by the shareholders, regardless of the amount of time the new corporate entity has spent in development.
Seriously, what kind of corporation is going to allow loss of revenue, loss of future opportunity or other severe financial setbacks to impact its balance sheet? Not most corporations, and not SAMANTHA INDUSTRIES. Luckily it’s well within a corporation’s rights to dissolve it immediately. The bottom line is the bottom line, baby.
If I’d have known how great it was to be a corporation, I’d have done it years ago — just as soon as Citizens United hit the books. Like I told my best friends JENNY INC. and AMY ENTERPRISES over brunch, the corporate advantages are too numerous to ignore.
Of course, during the next fiscal quarter we are all relocating abroad, to take advantage of international tax breaks and because being associated with a country that’s cool with undermining democracy, personal freedoms, and the general safety of its citizens is making our businesses look bad. If you need me, I’ll be in the Caymans.
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