PRISM & PEN — AMPLIFYING LGBTQ VOICES THROUGH THE ART OF STORYTELLING
My LGBTQ Pride Is Non-Existent
I am no longer ashamed, however
Hello, Kitty here I’m new to this group, so if I misspeak, please gently correct me in the comments section. I am a transgender woman, and I identify as a member of the queer community. I am newly out and learning every day.
I am a very literal speaker. I think word choice is very important when trying to convey meaning.
Level Setting My Peeps
pride
/prīd/
noun
- a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
- “The team was bursting with pride after recording a sensational victory”
verb
- be especially proud of (a particular quality or skill).
- “she’d always prided herself on her ability to deal with a crisis”
When I think about my queerness, I don’t feel any of those things. I am proud of some of my accomplishments, but I am not proud of the parts of me that I had no hand in. I have blue eyes, I am not proud of that either. I am free from disability and I am not proud of that either. For me to be proud of being queer is just not possible.
I have seen selective portions of many pride celebrations televised on the news. Those blurbs usually show scantily clad gay men. I am not disgusted by the Pride parade participants. I just don’t think that is the best look for our community. I would prefer judges’ robes or a pocket protector. None of the gay guys I know would want to be immortalized looking like that. I didn’t ask all of the gay guys that I play tennis with, but I did ask a few. The few that I asked said that they had never been to a Pride parade. I have not either.
I Am No Longer Ashamed
I spent a very long time in the closet, in denial, and racked with guilt and shame. Coming out has forced me to face my internalized transphobia. I have accepted that I am trans and I am dealing with it the best way I can. The closet for me held immense amounts of shame. Coming out, I discovered that I should not be ashamed of something beyond my control.
I hope to understand Pride fully one day, but for now, I am not proud of being queer. I am however proud of all of the people who have worked tirelessly for decades to assure that the Pride parades can be held in public and in relative safety. My editor @jamesfinnwrites is one of these wonderful people. He would be able to explain what pride means. I am learning about pride, but for now, I am just not ashamed anymore.
Love, Kitty
This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, My PRIDE Feels Like THIS.