My Kids: RANKED!

Hello Fellow Internet Mommies!

I know you’ve been there: scrolling through your nightly Mommy Blogs and you see a gif that says, “I Love All My Children Equally!”.

C’mon, Moms … the kids are in bed … and if you have a partner, maybe they’re asleep. It’s just us. Do you *really* love all your children equally? I sure as hell don’t!

Here is the definitive list of the love I have in my heart for my children. Scored on a 0–10 scale.

I’m in a good mood, so let me start with who I love the MOST!

1. Shawn-Kyle. Due in January.

The kid I love the most actually hasn’t been born yet! I have never experienced, “unconditional love” for a child, so I’ll keep pumping them out until I feel that way!

Here’s the life I have planned for Shawn-Kyle: he’ll be the first child to complete their doctorate, cure cancer, and abolish ICE. If his life doesn’t go as planned, I’ll just pop out another one. But, for now? He’s my gorgeous little doctor who is going to take care of his Mommy!

100/10 on love for Shawn-Kyle! Mommy loves you very much!

2. Lily. 1 year old.

Lily is my cute one and an absolute treasure! She has one of the funniest Twitters I have ever seen (782K followers and multiple retweets by Jonah Hill!). Lily girl also got her degree in Massage Therapy so she can contribute to this family! (None of my other kids has offered to help me financially.)

To say I rely on her would be the understatement of the century. Lily has made her siblings’ breakfast when I oversleep and dinner when I go to sleep early. She has changed her own diaper since she was 4 months old. (After a couple nights of Taco Bell, she’s had to change mine, too!)

Lily Rose gets a 9/10. I can’t give her a 10 because she doesn’t follow my Twitter, “to keep her numbers low” and that bothers me.

3. It’s either Steven? Or Sarah? I think between 1–4 years old.

I don’t know too much about this one — they don’t speak up much!

Three times this WEEK we were in a department store, and I offered to help them find their parents! This kid says to me, “You are my mother and I am begging you to know me and care for me.” LMAO!

Listen, I’m a working mom, I can’t remember EVERYTHING! (Yes, I work! Did I not mention I run a 4AM bar out of our home?)

Wait! I just remembered something! I’m pretty sure this one is my tallest?

I give this kid a 3/10 because my heart goes out to anyone this boring.

4. Charlie. 2 years old.

Fuck Charlie! He’s not just ranked low because he is ugly. Charlie’s ranking has to do with the fact that I woke up on Monday with him finishing a stick-and-poke tattoo on my face that said “I Still Listen to Chris Brown.” I went to a professional to get it fixed, but Charlie paid the artist to “fix” it to say “Chris Brown is a Good Man”.

This piece of shit can bench 300 lbs. and has thrown my 84-year-old mother (his GRANDMOTHER) out his bedroom window to her death.

Charlie gets a 1/10 on my love scale, and that’s me really pushing myself to be kind.

5. Penny. 13 months old.

My Penny was the perfect baby … until she started talking in full sentences. Now? She is one of the most ruthless bitches alive. Her first sentence was, “Mommy…if I’m out of you…why are you still fat?” What an evil, fat-shaming bitch, right?

The only way I can get her to sleep is by breastfeeding her, because she bites down on my nipple, reopens last night’s wounds, and laughs herself to sleep. She has wrecked my Camry and makes nightly calls out of the country to who knows who! I recently changed her diaper and found 4 kilograms of DMT. She replaced my shampoo with Nair, leaving me bald, still, to this day, and probably for life.

I had to draw on hair with a sharpie for my sister’s wedding! People said it looked natural, but I know they were lying.

I give Penny a -4/10 on how much I love her. She is evil incarnate, an absolute waste of space and she can crawl her ass to hell.

So there you have it! A definitive list of the love I have for my children. I’m a Super Mom, just like you all, and it feels good to have an online community where I can share these thoughts!

Here’s to loving our kids … as much as WE CAN!!!!