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Abstract

alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.</blockquote><blockquote id="b97c">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>I mumbled something about doing more therapy sessions to stay in touch with my baseline feelings, but my new sponsor was having none of it.‘This isn’t an emotional issue!’ he said, cutting in. ‘This is a memory issue that no amount of therapy you chose to throw money at will solve.’He even suggested that the mental blank spot could be similar to a form of amnesia or dementia that science hasn’t picked up on yet.‘But why hasn’t science picked up on it?’ I asked, holding the phone tightly.‘Probably because this blank spot only happens at certain times. Most of the time, it lays dormant.’ he replied before warning,‘And unfortunately, this dormancy feature gives us an illusion of power. We think we’ve got sobriety now because our memory and willpower function normally again. Until, the condition randomly comes back online, and we relapse, leaving us totally baffled as to why it happened.’My new sponsor sighed deeply.‘It’s heartbreaking,’ he said softly. ‘Especially if you’ve relapsed after being multiple years clean. But it is sadly needed to show you that you are genuinely powerless, regardless of how much you desire and want to be sober.’My head was spinning. Every sentence felt like the jolt of an electric cattle prod.Later that day, I looked back at my recent relapses. I found no real conscious memory of consequences before any of them.It appeared relapse was happening to me, not by me.<blockquote id="8aba">As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come — I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots. I had never been able to understand people who said that a problem had them hopelessly defeated. I knew then. It was a crushing blow.</blockquote><blockquote id="93f7">~ The Big Book, page 41.</blockquote><figure id="7922"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*n4r4HuNFWSnCD_WU"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@alicealinari?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Alice Alinari</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h2 id="287c">A Belief That It Will All Be Alright.</h2>Sadly, the ‘blank spot’ wasn’t all that was happening.My new sponsor later explained that something else was happening in my mind, a kind of twisting of my thinking that I couldn’t see either.This is the other main feature of the relapse condition.The Big Book explains it as follows:<blockquote id="f067">But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning, there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out.</blockquote><blockquote id="4ad8">~ The Big Book, page 37.</blockquote>Anytime the ‘good idea’ of relapsing suddenly popped into my head, part of me would start to minimise the lunacy of this thought.I would begin to rationalise this catastrophic idea with excuses and reasons why it would be, in fact, okay to relapse despite being in recovery.No matter how insignificant and non-sensical those reasons were, they quickly became plausible and seemingly rational.At the same time, the urge to want to relapse would start to surge.A fear of missing out would relentlessly come crashing in like waves rolling in and out of my consciousness.Thoughts and narratives of why it would be okay this time would dominate my thinking.Finally, a tidal wave of justification would smother me into deep unconsciousness.Convinced of my rationale, I would carry out my plan, only to revert back to type and do everything I said I wouldn’t do, and again, find myself powerless to stop once I started.This twisted thinking was nothing more than a lie, but I believed the lie and didn’t see the flaw in the logic in light of my track record with partying.To any average person, this kind of thinking and decision-making would be termed irrational, unsound, or even insa

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ne.The Big Book calls this thinking an ‘obsession to beat the game’.Whether it’s a vague idea that this time it would be different, that I would do it differently and party like a gentleman.Or the well-loved excuse that this will be my last relapse. After this final time, I’ll be done for good. I’ll get on with my life.But, it never was different and that last time never did happen.My new sponsor would remind me often,‘You aren’t changing your mind when you’ve decided to give in and party; your mind has been changed for you.’<h2 id="4c19">It Centers In Our Minds</h2>Of course, there is a body element for the addict.Naturally, as a consequence of the constant extreme usage of powerfully addictive substances and processes that are designed by their very nature to make you want more and more, addicts have developed a sky-high tolerance.But there’s this annihilation approach to our acting out and using once we start, which the Big Book describes as the ‘phenomenon of craving’.In the Doctor’s opinion in the Big Book, Dr. Silkworth calls the phenomenon of craving an ‘allergy’, but my new sponsor wasn’t too keen on that idea.‘If it’s an allergy, then why doesn’t the phenomenon of craving happen every time?’Regardless of whether it is an allergy, the body part becomes irrelevant, as most people with a severe peanut allergy don’t tend to keep repeating the total lost cause of trying to have another peanut to see if they will react differently.They don’t touch or go anywhere near peanuts because they remember how terrible it was last time.Once or twice is enough.Not so with the real addict because of the first two features of the disease; they will not only be back gorging on peanuts, but they will eventually take up residence in a peanut factory.<blockquote id="e3f6">There is a complete failure of the kind of defence that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove. The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, “It won’t burn me this time, so here’s how!” Or perhaps he doesn’t think at all.</blockquote><blockquote id="d5e6">~ The Big Book, page 24.</blockquote>That’s why the Big Book says the real problem ‘centers in our mind’, not our bodies.‘What will happen now,’ my new sponsor forewarned, ‘as the relapses get worse, the time between them will get shorter and shorter.’This condition is progressive.Therefore, the blanking and twisting will naturally grow in scope and reach until you can no longer differentiate the true from the false.<h2 id="869b">Turning To Something Else</h2>If you believe in the disease concept of addiction, that this is a disease, a fatal illness precisely like any other life-threatening condition, then you have it for life.There is nothing you can do to change that.If you constantly can’t remember why or how you relapsed despite your honest desire not to.Or if you continually relapse, believing some trivial reason or silly excuse to relapse while dismissing the genuine consequences, then you are a real addict.You have this relapse condition.You crossed a threshold where, at certain times, your inability to use reasoning and rational thinking won’t even register for you.The tragic truth is that once that threshold has been crossed, you have no choice but to relapse.A compromised part of your brain will always fire the thought of using or acting out. That will never change. It’s wired like that for life.There is no cure.Even this information won’t save you, as at certain times, you won’t be able to recall any of it when it matters.So, let go of trying to change that.Let go of any old ideas around fighting it and instead get out of the way and trust in something else.After all, that’s all you’ve got.There’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop this relapse condition.But there’s everything you can do about everything else.There’s everything you can do about building a spiritual dimension to your life, by giving back, helping others, living in genuine faith and trusting in something greater than you.There’s everything you can do to improve your awareness and intuition, raise your consciousness and develop another part of your brain.And let this part of your brain grow bigger and stronger than that addictive part so that it can embrace and look after that compromised part.Just like a bigger and wiser older sibling can care for and comfort a much younger upset sibling by giving that stressed child a big hug.There’s everything you can do about deciding to take on a new attitude, direction, and way of life that will keep this condition dormant one day at a time.If this article speaks to you, please follow, share and subscribe to me for more.Click <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">here</a> to follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/TheDarrenJames">X</a>.</article></body>

ADDICTION & MENTAL HEALTH.

My Journey Through Addiction.

The best is yet to come.

In January 2018, I was in a dark place. My promising and award-winning career was finished as a kitchen manager, and I had just avoided serious injury when my pride and joy BMW blew up on the expressway. (The lesson here is, don’t ever go to a car auction without doing your research).

As I have mentioned in many posts, I was still extremely reliant on high dosages of prescribed medication. I was also in the deepest valleys of my addiction to cocaine, amphetamine, and gambling.

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I became homeless. I was blaming anything and anyone for my problems.

I was blindly convincing myself that I did the right thing spending my last lump of cash on drugs and gambling.

I’ve learned that nothing others can do will stop an addict from getting their selfish and shameful desires at the top of a very long list of priorities, which has a detrimental effect on themselves and their families.

The main point here is that at no moment was I enjoying my lonely existence. I was just trying to keep the addiction going. I essentially micromanaged everyone thinking it was acceptable and justifiable.

In August 2018, I turned 40 years old. I had found a cooking job on the coast and the landlady was letting me stay upstairs above the restaurant. I did not have to travel far to obtain substances or gamble.

I was held together by cigarettes, Pepsi Max, and Monster energy drinks with a cling film fashion belt to keep my oversized pants and underweight body entwined.

I was severely anxious and irritated resulting in daily panic attacks. I could feel my body and mind self-combusting. I became overwhelmed with the notion that I was a loner, that I was not deserving of oxygen to inhale and exhale. I thought I was better off dead.

On The Road To A Better Place 2.0.

The Long & Winding Road To A Better Life.

medium.com

Alone with everyone

In the last week of August 2018, I was given a sign. Toxic consequences of violence and elevated mental health problems with extra helpings of an industrial amount of narcotics was my 3-course all-you-can-consume buffet.

This period lasted approximately 4 months. I had gambled myself into a £28k winning position on the last Wednesday of August from a £10 stake.

I gave up my job. It was then that I witnessed the defining moments of the crumbling empire I was just floating on — a slurry of gambling, drink, and drugs with no place to build a solid foundation.

One major thing I have skated round was the fact my son had given up on me because I was just not fit to be his father at the time.

I have never felt pain like it. The raw emotion of me finally realizing that my focal point had gone.

It hurts right now writing this and it’s breathtakingly brutal. I could not even supply a Christmas gift for my son.

Ashamed and distraught, I was broken financially, mentally, and physically. I navigated the festive period again just crying myself to sleep wishing I could right all my wrongs before leaving earth.

In February, I reconnected with an old friend online — someone who actually knows the real Brian and what he is really like.

He was the only one who visited me in prison and sent me money so I could buy the phone cards to contact my son. Paul Fairhurst is a loving friend who played a major part in my long road to near-complete recovery.

Still, in March 2019, my mental health deteriorated beyond anything in years past and I tried to take my own life. I wanted to share this to help people without a voice to be heard and to continue to promote suicide prevention.

After a good week of reflection after the attempt on my own life, I suddenly became overwhelmed with jubilation. The missing piece of the puzzle was locked away in an area of my subconscious.

I started making gradual adjustments, such as writing as often as I could, teaching myself to use a laptop, and reducing my prescribed medication.

In February 2019, I started writing on blogger.com. I had zero followers and zero clues on how to create the content that was overflowing like a freshly opened bottle of champagne in my somewhat academic but highly frustrated brain.

I was stoic in my resolve to get well. I worked hard on my content and my mental health.

I also started to engage in social media. I knew it was imperative to keep on track and reduce my prescribed medication.

The pathways in my neurological system became the size of expressways. My mind was wide open and crystal clear decision-making was shimmering in the sun.

The journey I am now taking is along the road to recovery. The foundations are in place for my quest to find eternal happiness and make everlasting memories in the amazing and enthralling chapter of my new life.

Three important factors to recovery:

You must be brutally honest with yourself.

In 2007, I was sent to prison for firearms possession. I was also charged with possession of a Class B drug. I received a 5.5-year sentence of which I served 3 years in four different prisons.

Now, I can write excuses and be dismissive, or I can be open and factual. I knew the guns were real. I just saw this as a commodity to make money to buy more drugs to feed my disgusting habit.

At no point did I think about the people who loved me, or my family, or my 3-year-old son at the time. By definition, you and only you have to take responsibility for your actions.

The ramifications of what I did haunt me. I did not see my son for 3 years. I caused pain and suffering for the people I loved.

I was a selfish addict who is now on the right path to recovery. I have learned to be thoughtful and selfless, but I would not have come so far had I not been honest about where I was and where I needed to go.

You must embrace the adventure and hard work ahead.

Withdrawal from prescription medication is the most painful process on your body and mind. You must remember that substance withdrawal is on top of your already-overflowing basket of dirty washing.

Take my advice and don’t gamble anything — ever. I wasted £28k like it was monopoly money and had no respect for myself.

You can get through all of this with a clear head and good heart. You must relish each day, each week. You are achieving great things. Your short-term pain will equal long-term gains for the rest of your life.

You must be clear in body and mind of substances.

You have come this far. You are doing this for your future.

In my case, I know that my son loves me, and I need to vastly improve my decision-making concerning his feelings. I must not ever touch any substances or try a small amount. I know I will have to earn respect.

Set goals, but be warned they will not be easy to attain. However, you’re a human being and you can keep your dreams alive.

Remember: The best is yet to come.

Created in positive and honest mind space.

Brian Cumberlidge 13/04/2020.