YOGA CLASS

My Inner Peace Can Kick Your Ass

Advanced yoga concepts for the superior practitioner

Open your Me First Eye

Call the studio and tell them to turn down the thermostat because you’re bringing the heat! Age is just a number, and Sandy’s a bitch anyway. Recite the mantra:

I am centered, I am grounded And fuck yeah, I’m still hot! With this new outfit Every Third Eye is gonna be on my Root Chakra.

Because what’s the point of yoga if you don’t look good doing it? Namastasty!

Cat Cleanse

Locate the visual focal point of the room. Assume a traditional Cat Pose, then roll to one hip and extend the opposite leg straight toward the ceiling. Balancing on one arm, curl your head and shoulders inward and lick your asshole.

Maintain the pose for as long as others in the room appear uncomfortable. Pause periodically to glare at them as if they are intruding on your privacy.

Downward Doggy Style

For partner work, this is straightforward. For a male practitioner alone it is the most challenging form in the yogic repertoire.

From a Downward Dog Pose, chant verses from the Rig-Viagra to extend your penis, then curl it back and up toward the space between your sitting bones. You’ll know immediately when the exercise is complete, the sensation is unmistakable.

Bound Wrists and Ankles Pose

Of course Fifty Shades of Grey was a shitty book, you just skimmed it to find out what the fuss was about. It’s only still on your bedside table because you use it as a coaster. But this variation on the Bound Angle is definitely for at-home practice only. Om…Om!…OMG!!!

Flight of the Eagles

Clear your mind, and visualize the excitement of a professional football game in Philadelphia. Then show up for the session drunk. Boo the other students. Vomit on a classmate. Throw batteries at those whose flow is inadequate. Punch the policeman who tries to remove you from the building.

Mantra: “Fill the Void”

We worship the shabda that is present In the Earth, the heavens, and that which is beyond. And for fuck’s sake, is it too much to ask For a straight single guy to sign up for this class? Since the divorce, I’ve been in the dry spell from hell. My high beams come on when the instructor says “pubic bone.”

Lessons from nature

• Camel’s Toe — not a single pose, but an ongoing habit of mindfulness. When in doubt, surreptitiously check the mirror.
• Dolphin Voice — the instructor has lowered the lights for Savasana when you remember you are late for an appointment. You try to sneak out, but your keys have fallen out of your bag. Emit high-pitched frequencies to echolocate them.
• Patience of the Cicada — remain centered as your phone rings in the middle of class. Maintain your focus so no one suspects.
• Pigeon Flow — strut around cooing loudly and crapping on others’ mats.
• Protruding Tree — a set of movement and position modifications for a male practitioner who fails to keep his mindfulness out of the gutter.

Social Justice Warrior

Beginning in Mountain Pose, bring your hands together in front of you as if holding a protest sign. Contemplate the inner mysteries of personifying the virtues of equality and respect for humanity yet somehow coming across as a douchbag.

Structurally Failing Bridge Pose

Begin from a supine position. Bend your knees and set your feet on the floor, heels as close to the sitting bones as possible. Push your tailbone upward toward the pubis and lift your buttocks. Suddenly collapse to the ground as a metaphor for our nation’s crumbling infrastructure.

Tantra

It is a common misconception that Tantra is all about sex. In the Vajrayana tradition, it means “to weave light and sound with form,” uniting the masculine and feminine forces, the human body with the transcendent — OK, fine, it’s about sex. Practice this to ensure you are better in bed than your future ex-partners’ current ex-partners.

Upward Finger Salutation

Begin in Lotus Position. Center your mind and body. Raise both hands, shoulder-width apart, with the palms facing you. Curl the index, ring, and pinkie fingers toward your palm, followed by the thumb.

Glare at the classmate who cut you off for the last parking spot. Namaste these, shitstain! I’m parked in the loading zone. If I get towed, you better keep your Third Eye looking over your shoulder!

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Humor and Satire. He’s slightly less limber than a telephone pole, so he compensates by not doing yoga. In rare instances, he refers to himself in the third person.

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