My Husband’s Lover is Away

Chronicle of an Open Marriage #14

My husband and I aren’t your typical non-monogamists. But then I have to ask myself, is there such a thing? From the stories I read on Medium, it seems there is. Many ethical non-monogamists are almost spiritual in their pursuit of sex outside the marriage, believing that giving love to more than one person is good for themselves and other people, both in body and soul. It’s like the children’s song Magic Penny by Malvina Reynolds.

Love is something if you give it away, Give it away, give it away. Love is something if you give it away, You end up having more.

It’s just like a magic penny, Hold it tight and you won’t have any. Lend it, spend it, and you’ll have so many They’ll roll all over the floor.

And sure, I see the wisdom in that. But my husband and I aren’t looking for love. In fact, I’d be pretty freaked out if he loved someone else in addition to me, and vice versa. I recognize that I probably could talk myself into seeing it differently. But do I want to? No. It already takes enough of my energy to love one man. I don’t want to try to take care of two. I have other things to do.

For Hubs, it’s more complex. Having homosexual sex (which has to happen outside the marriage, since I’m a woman) represents the satisfaction of an old curiosity he first had as a teen. And I do mean satisfaction. Yet despite the pleasure it brings him, he doesn’t consider himself gay. While walking around in the world, he notices that he’s attracted to women, not men. And he still has plenty of sexual appetite for me. So what’s going on?

Hubs says the homosexual sex he’s having outside our hetero marriage feels more like physical therapy than an expression of love. And he’s not the only man on Grindr or Silver Daddies — apps that connect men with other men for sex — who has that “I’m not really gay” point of view.

Are they fooling themselves? Maybe. But it seems more likely to me that categories like gay and hetero and even bi are more fluid than we used to think. Just as gender is opening up in the 21st Century, with people finding there are a lot more genders than two, so might sexual orientation be more nuanced and variable than previously understood.

Another thing to consider is the male vs. female role in hetero sex. The male gives and the female receives. I can see how it might be exhausting to always be assigned the role of provider. After a lifetime of being the more active aggressor in bed, it might feel good and pleasant to just lay back and receive.

I know Hubs feels that way. Because over the years of our marriage, he’s expressed the desire to receive more than once, but I wasn't much willing to explore it. I had hetero hangups. I don’t even do oral. That was unfortunate and fueled our troubles. Because as a result, Hubs felt some kind of lack. He was always pursuing. I was always running away.

I read recently that’s a common dynamic in heterosexual relationships. The man pursues. The woman withholds. It’s not surprising, considering the way we socialize girls, asking them in some circles to protect their virginity until marriage — to be sexually inviting in dress and manner, but not to actually engage in sex.

So here we are, a unique couple, pursuing ethical non-monogamy for very particular reasons. As I chronicled in other stories, we began this experiment in December of 2021 and agreed to try it for six months. I was the one who suggested it. I wanted Hubs to satisfy his longstanding curiosity about homosexual sex, and I wanted him to stop trying to hump me day and night. (Hahahah! Sorry.)

But here’s why I’m writing this update. From the first, Hubs wanted to find a single sexual partner he could focus on — not to love him, but as a form of safe sex, and because he doesn’t really like meeting new people. Psychologically, it’s hard for him. So it was lucky that after a few forays into the dating scene, he met the one guy he wanted. And then the guy left the country.

Now Hubs is without an outside sex partner for a month.

What will happen next? Part of me hoped he’d just get over the whole idea and decide he wanted to go back to our boring old vanilla marriage. But at this point, that’s not in the cards. Already, he’s asked for a one-month extension on the experiment, and I think that’s fair.

Meanwhile, I’m changing my sexual practices, because I don’t want him to miss his man.

Those hetero hangups? It’s funny how they come and go, depending on your perspective and mood. And my mood right now is I want Hubs to be happy. My life is better and more rewarding when he is.

He hasn’t pressured me. He hasn’t asked me. He hasn’t gaslit me. And that’s important. I do not want to be maneuvered or pushed.

But right now? I want to give and let him receive. And that’s a blessing for us both.

What happened next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #15. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. And have a delightful day.