My Husband Wanted To Fuck And I Said No
What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?
Unlike many other cheaters, I don’t have a dead bedroom. At the risk of repeating myself, I will say that I do have sex with my husband. Not a lot. Not often. But still. Once a week or so, we bone. It is meaningless. It’s just body parts entering other body parts to relieve stress. There is no “desire” for me; I’m just there, so fucking me is like fucking his hand, only a notch better.
I’ve tried so hard in the past to get his attention. But now, I’m completely done. To the point that I make myself really small NOT to get any focus on me. I must have completely erased myself from the equation that is our marriage because over the weekend, my husband told me that he missed me.
“I really miss you. Spend some time with me?” he asked.
Say what? Woah there buddy! Back off. This is no longer part of the game. You’re breaking the rules, I thought to myself. I have been alone in this marriage for so long now, that the mere thought of intimacy scares the shit out of me. I don’t know how to be emotional with him anymore. Even worst, I’m terrified that if I open up again, I will be hurt again. I wouldn’t survive that. I told him I had to work and went on about my day.
Later that night, he made a move, but not his boring signature move. This was different. It was tender, gentle, reminiscent of the man I once knew. It was promising a deeper level of lovemaking. It was showing a want that I have not seen in him in probably a decade. Was that lust in his eyes? For me? We were in bed, facing one another. He gazed deep into my eyes as he was stroking my hair with one hand and my thigh with the other. He was looking into my soul.
I froze.
I’m not sure if it was fear or vengeance, it probably was a bit of both, but I immediately tensed up and shut down like a clam. Before I could stop myself, I snapped, “Not tonight, I’m tired,” and turned to my other side.
I wish I hadn’t. This could have been the beginning of the mending of our relationship. I got to thinking.
What changed that I suddenly refused the attention I craved for years? Did cheating transformed me this much? Did I not want to repair my relationship anymore? Was I purposely keeping my husband in the friends zone so I can seek passion elsewhere? Or was guilt in the way?
I didn’t find my answer.
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