My Husband Accused Me of Killing Our Pet During Couple’s Therapy

Relationship counseling is painful yet necessary — like a root canal.

My husband and I are in a very strange place right now. After being separated for over a month, he’s moved back in, and we’re currently deep into couple’s therapy.

I’ve written about his emotional affair, and how what he said about me to the woman he loved wounded me to the point where I’m not sure we can completely heal and move on from it.

At least, not romantically.

He wants to try to work things out, and there is enough good between us that I don’t want to throw away our marriage without first finding some sort of clarity.

For me, the conflict in our relationship runs so deep, the inner chaos of my emotional pain so prominent, that I don’t even know what to think anymore.

That’s where therapy comes in. We found a wonderful, qualified professional who is warm and caring, not to mention good at what she does. She makes it known right up front that there isn’t any magic or secret she has to offer, that she isn’t there to tell us whether we should break up or stay together.

Her goal is to help us find clarity — to help each of us learn and decide whether it’s best for us to stay together or part ways.

And let me tell you — since I still don’t know what the hell I’m going to do, clarity to make the best decision is something I desperately need.

Your first assignment, if you choose to accept it…

My husband and I started with individual sessions, then we came together for our first couple’s session. That hour was spent telling our therapist more of our story, and we learned a little more about what she could help us achieve (that whole clarity thing).

She then gave us a homework assignment to do before meeting the following week.

We were each tasked to come up with two different pain points within our relationship that we felt we needed to talk about. “Come up with one thing your spouse has done to hurt you, and one thing you think you’ve done that hurt your spouse,” she instructed.

I guess the pleasantries were over. It was time to start getting into the tough shit. The deep down and dirty nitty-gritty of our conflict.

I knew it would be painful, but it was also something I needed. Whether we stay together or not, I’ve been put through some real emotional trauma, and I need to talk to an unbiased professional about what I’ve been going through.

I knew we’d likely be in for a wild emotional ride that next week. And, my husband and I didn’t mention what pain points we planned on bringing to the table. This was something we felt we needed to save for the session — or else things might get pretty rocky without that unbiased professional there to referee.

When the next week came, I shared my two-item list first.

1. What he’d done that hurt me:

Getting involved with another woman behind my back and texting so many cruel things to her about me over a six-month period (that he hated me, wanted to leave me, thought I was a selfish bitch with mental issues, etc.). He also lied to her about me pushing him on to her sexually.

2. What I’d done that hurt him:

I had a lot of trouble coming up with something. I brought up the time I broke up with him because I wanted to date other people. It was over six years ago, but I think he probably still carries some resentment about it that affects our relationship to this day.

We spent the first half-hour talking about my shortlist. Then, it was my husband’s turn.

He first brought up the emotional affair as the thing he had done that hurt me the most.

Then, for the thing I had done that hurt him the most, he talked about our pet rabbit — the one that had died because I said I didn’t think we needed to take him to the vet.

I felt miserable about it, and it took me a long time to get over the guilt. And here he was, blaming me for our pet’s death — something he had never communicated to me before.

His big pain point in our relationship? That I’m basically a pet murderer.

Learning how to move forward

We are bunny people because everyone in our family is allergic to either cats or dogs. It’s something I’ve written about before. Buns aren’t quite as affectionate or trusting, but they are just as loving in their own way, and the bond is just as strong as what other pet owners experience with cats and dogs.

Everyone in my family loves and adores animals, and we learned how to free roam and litter train our house rabbit. Though they make adorable pets that you can quickly fall in love with, rabbits are incredibly fragile. It’s hard to find a specialty vet with the skill to provide rabbit care if something goes wrong.

The day before we lost our bun, we had just been at the vet for three hours, getting him the care he desperately needed (or so I thought).

I was the one who noticed something was off in the first place, and I alerted my partner. The x-rays showed a calcium build-up in our bun’s bladder. We were told to take him home, to keep giving him his prescribed medicine, tons of water, make sure he eats. All that stuff.

That evening, our bunny was still having trouble eating, and my husband wanted to take him back to the animal hospital.

I didn’t force a gun to Hubby’s head and tell him he better not go back to that vet or else, but I did tell him I thought we should give it some time. We had just spent so much money we didn’t have on the x-rays and meds, and the vet had just cleared us to take him home. I thought we could wait to see how he was doing in the morning and take him back then if necessary.

I gave my husband my opinion, and he listened. It was the wrong opinion, but I had no idea at the time.

This was his big pain point?

I scoffed at him, literally scoffed at him in disbelief when he brought it up in session. The great harm I had caused him in our relationship was this horrible mistake I had made about whether or not our pet was in critical condition after the vet had told us he wasn’t?

I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do. I didn’t kill our pet on purpose, and it took me a long time to get over my guilt. If we had taken him back that night, maybe we could have saved him. And it still haunts me.

But here we were, two years later, in therapy due to my husband’s painful affair, and he wants to put our animal’s blood on my hands.

I was absolutely shocked. I was insulted and hurt. How could he put that blame on me?

I can be completely honest here and say that this session really did bring me some clarity. I had made an honest mistake, but my husband was using it against me and treating the incident as something I had done to hurt him.

To me, this was bullshit on top of bullshit. A way to get at me after he had been caught doing something wrong.

I was getting clarity alright. The clarity that we very well may not be able to make this relationship work. And if that’s the case, then it’s something we both need to see.

Growth and healing can be painful

Even though it brings up a lot of pain, therapy is often needed to maintain good mental health. Like a medical procedure that you have to go through and heal from, we sometimes need the same kind of invasive treatment for our minds as well.

After the dreaded rabbit-murderer session, my husband and I talked at length about what he’d said. I would say we “argued,” but the argument was civil, with no raised voices, and we took turns listening to each other.

This, I think, is one of the reasons we’re still together. We’ve always been able to have difficult discussions without going below the belt and abusing each other verbally.

He backpedaled, as usual, and tried to explain that what he wanted to say in therapy came out wrong.

What he meant was that, when we have a disagreement, he feels like I don’t listen to his side of things.

Like if he says our pet should go back to the vet, I completely disregard his opinion and do what I want to do.

But that is the farthest thing from the truth, and I pointed that out to him. Yes, I often do what I want. I’m a strong woman who comes from a terrible previous relationship where a man abused me and controlled my every move for years, and I’ll never go back to that.

But where my husband gets it wrong is that I do listen. I hear his side of things. I absorb what he has to say.

I just don’t always agree with what he has to say.

We had talked circles that night about whether or not to go back to the vet. The discussion was in-depth and lasted nearly two hours. I listened to everything my husband had to say, and I was on the fence about it myself.

But in the end, after weighing everything (including my husband’s opinion, which I did indeed listen to), I felt that we didn’t need to go to the animal hospital twice on the same day. I thought it was safe to wait and see how our little guy was doing in the morning.

And I ended up being wrong. And I learned from that experience.

But I hate — I hate — that my husband used it against me as an example of me hurting him. I had been floundering and trying to make the best decision for our family at the time.

And here’s what I also pointed out to my husband. He could have held strong in his belief and taken our rabbit back to the vet himself, couldn’t he? If he really thought our animal was in that much danger after having just been to the hospital, he could have taken a cue from me and stood firm in his decision.

He could have mustered up some follow-through and went against what I thought for one damn time in his life.

That’s what I’d like to see more of.

Why is he so easily persuaded? If he disagrees with me, he needs to just do what he thinks he should do when it’s something this important. He should stand up for himself and what he believes in.

That’s what I do.

Don’t be so damn passive, my guy. Step up. Show me some strength instead of giving in if you disagree with me.

Strength is something I need from him, and it’s not something I’m getting.

I highly recommend couple’s therapy

Currently, we’re still going to therapy. And we’re still in a strange, platonic, sexless marriage.

We get along quite well despite all we’ve been through, and we make a great team as far as living together and parenting goes.

Parenting is a big draw for me because he’s such a great step-dad. My husband gives my teenage son all the time, attention, and support he needs when my son’s biological father doesn’t.

But as far as sex or romance or any trace of affection? That’s non-existent. The mere thought of it repulses me (a result of my emotional trauma from the affair, according to my therapist).

I like my husband, but I don’t want him to touch me one bit.

Yeah, I’m just as confused as you.

I’m not sure where this will go. But I am sure of one thing — when you find a wonderful therapist who is a good fit, you will have the support you need to do the mental work and eventually find the clarity you’re seeking.

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