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Abstract

is enormously helpful in understanding what kinds of behaviors you’re seeing both in yourself and in others.</p><p id="9032">The way you process stress and grief is sacred to you. As it is to me. And to anyone else. There is no best way- there is only how you can best manage what you’re feeling. What becomes problematic is when we judge others for being weak or incompetent if our style is to stride into a burning house. Or for a more cautious person who is currently in high avoidance to judge the striding one for endangering others by being foolish.</p><h1 id="0aa2">Neither is right. Neither is wrong.</h1><p id="15e6">How you process grief is part of who you are. The time you take, the way you show up, whether or not you can just “get over it already” are all completely individual. That’s why Kristi’s comments <i>above </i>are so important. <b>There is no better way</b>. Period. Being angry at a partner or friend for not handling their circumstances the way you do is not only grossly unfair, it disregards the immense diversity of how we show up as unique individuals.</p><p id="4475">I’ve got some deep training in this topic. A good friend, who is a true expert in this material, helped me craft the article below for this purpose. If you can grasp a few of the basics of what the Jungian styles are, and get an understanding of what your primary motivation is, you’ll understand <i>why </i>you respond the way you do. That is the beginning of feeling far more comfortable and in control, or a semblance of it.</p><p id="c430">This might help:</p><div id="9a32" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/understanding-people-under-stress-374f0d7434d4"> <div> <div> <h2>Understanding People Under Stress</h2> <div><h3>How you can better manage your own, and others’ stress responses</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*j6GLvY3XNA8NaqvW)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h2 id="1aed">Here’s a swift recap of what the article says:</h2><ol><li>If you’re the kind of person who dots the i’s and crosses t’s and is far more at ease alone doing quiet, detail work, then your first stress response is to<b> Avoid</b>.</li><li>If you’re the type who prefers to be in charge, telling people what to do and to meet their goals on time, your first stress response is to be <b>Autocratic.<

Options

/b></li><li>If you love people, live for parties and attention, but feel rejected by people whose opinion you care about, your first stress response is to <b>Attack</b>.</li><li>If your first concern is for the team, their welfare and their needs, and feel responsible for them (at work and your family ), your first stress response is to <b>Appease.</b></li></ol><h2 id="a32d">We are seeing every single bit of this online right now. In our stores, our homes, our own hearts.</h2><p id="55a4">The article explains what happens when the heat is turned up under us and we end up in seriously anxious behavior. There are strategies in the article for how to deal with yourself and those you care about.</p><p id="74c1">Many of you may have received this kind of training at work. DISC, Social Styles, Myers Briggs. If so, you already are familiar with this material. It’s very easy to find online. This is when you start using it. Not only does it work, it can really help you cope. More so, you are far more able to be thoughtful about others because you see that their style is fundamentally different, and you also recognize their right to that style, just as you have your right to your way of being. When we’re under stress, it’s much harder to offer that kind of compassion. Yet even more important.</p><p id="4bc1"><b>Someone else’s process has nothing to do with yours.</b> In that same way, none of us has the right to judge, demean or get angry with how anyone else is moving through these times. The transition process is exceedingly challenging. This is the heart and soul of diversity. This is part of what it looks like in practice.</p><p id="3299">In the spirit of deep understanding, it begins with us. Understanding what you and I are seeing in ourselves is the beginning of great wisdom. Being aware of and empathetic towards what we’re seeing in others is another order of magnitude entirely. If you’ve had this training there’s an opportunity for you to offer greater understanding to others. This is how we can be of service.</p><p id="3895">I’m not going to tell you that the article is going to make it all better. What it might do is give you insight. And sometimes, that really is all it takes.</p><figure id="7644"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*Kz4bqW7RoptKQ5VF"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@bonniekdesign?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Bonnie Kittle</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure></article></body>

My Heartbreak is Different From Your Heartbreak. Please Don’t Judge Me.

My stress is different from your stress.

First, this may get worse before it gets better.

Second, if you think you’re seeing bad behavior now, wait until cabin fever takes over and spring explodes, and folks still have to stay inside. At least for a while. Some can cope, some can’t. Those who can’t, get mad at those who appear to be able to cope, and those who can, get irritated at those who are having a hard time.

This is what we do.

If I may, there are some strategies.

A few minutes ago I read this story from Kristi Keller about what it’s like dealing with our Conditions right now:

People Are Still Smiling, You Just Can’t See It

The moments behind the masks

medium.com

These are the lines that stuck with me:

Stress affects us all differently. Some of us hole up and some of us reach out. I’ve been on the receiving end of subtle hostility because I haven’t reached out.

Those people can’t know my situation because they don’t live in my shoes, so they just see it as me not caring. I see it as, I’m doing the best I can. We’re all doing the best we can.

Don’t assume someone doesn’t care just because they’re not handling it the way you would.(author bolded)

Each one of us falls into a particular kind of Jungian personality style, and each one of those styles has a very particular response to stress. While there are far more factors than just the personality, this is enormously helpful in understanding what kinds of behaviors you’re seeing both in yourself and in others.

The way you process stress and grief is sacred to you. As it is to me. And to anyone else. There is no best way- there is only how you can best manage what you’re feeling. What becomes problematic is when we judge others for being weak or incompetent if our style is to stride into a burning house. Or for a more cautious person who is currently in high avoidance to judge the striding one for endangering others by being foolish.

Neither is right. Neither is wrong.

How you process grief is part of who you are. The time you take, the way you show up, whether or not you can just “get over it already” are all completely individual. That’s why Kristi’s comments above are so important. There is no better way. Period. Being angry at a partner or friend for not handling their circumstances the way you do is not only grossly unfair, it disregards the immense diversity of how we show up as unique individuals.

I’ve got some deep training in this topic. A good friend, who is a true expert in this material, helped me craft the article below for this purpose. If you can grasp a few of the basics of what the Jungian styles are, and get an understanding of what your primary motivation is, you’ll understand why you respond the way you do. That is the beginning of feeling far more comfortable and in control, or a semblance of it.

This might help:

Understanding People Under Stress

How you can better manage your own, and others’ stress responses

medium.com

Here’s a swift recap of what the article says:

If you’re the kind of person who dots the i’s and crosses t’s and is far more at ease alone doing quiet, detail work, then your first stress response is to Avoid.
If you’re the type who prefers to be in charge, telling people what to do and to meet their goals on time, your first stress response is to be Autocratic.
If you love people, live for parties and attention, but feel rejected by people whose opinion you care about, your first stress response is to Attack.
If your first concern is for the team, their welfare and their needs, and feel responsible for them (at work and your family ), your first stress response is to Appease.

We are seeing every single bit of this online right now. In our stores, our homes, our own hearts.

The article explains what happens when the heat is turned up under us and we end up in seriously anxious behavior. There are strategies in the article for how to deal with yourself and those you care about.

Many of you may have received this kind of training at work. DISC, Social Styles, Myers Briggs. If so, you already are familiar with this material. It’s very easy to find online. This is when you start using it. Not only does it work, it can really help you cope. More so, you are far more able to be thoughtful about others because you see that their style is fundamentally different, and you also recognize their right to that style, just as you have your right to your way of being. When we’re under stress, it’s much harder to offer that kind of compassion. Yet even more important.

Someone else’s process has nothing to do with yours. In that same way, none of us has the right to judge, demean or get angry with how anyone else is moving through these times. The transition process is exceedingly challenging. This is the heart and soul of diversity. This is part of what it looks like in practice.

In the spirit of deep understanding, it begins with us. Understanding what you and I are seeing in ourselves is the beginning of great wisdom. Being aware of and empathetic towards what we’re seeing in others is another order of magnitude entirely. If you’ve had this training there’s an opportunity for you to offer greater understanding to others. This is how we can be of service.

I’m not going to tell you that the article is going to make it all better. What it might do is give you insight. And sometimes, that really is all it takes.