My Heart Throbs. It Is Not Always Good To Be First.

Dancing Elephants prompt 5 of 52 Heartthrobs with challenges

My heart throbbed before my interview

My heart greets me with constant throbs.

Is it good to be first?

Not always!

I was the first woman who did my Ph.D. from the Commerce Department at Delhi University in India.

Believe me, it was not as easy as it seems. People envy me but my heart jerks. Do I fit in this place?

I went for my interview for registration.

I was the only woman waiting in line. The seats were limited. The guys were ogling at me! Going on ribbing me!

One of them said “Oh, a beautiful face. She will be selected but one seat is gone. She will not complete it. She will get married and have kids and this will be the end of her career”

Another said, “such people should never come and face interviews and waste seats that can go to others.”

My heart throbbed. I had come for equal competition. The board would be testing my academic capability and not looking at my face.

I thought it is not always good to be first. There is ribbing and people criticizing you for something that is not your fault.

What could I do if other women had not applied? Anyway, the university had appointed only 7 women as Assistant Professors and it was at that time a male-dominated department. They were probably not interested in doing a Ph.D. at the moment when I applied.

Then I thought

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

I was already teaching at Jesus and Mary College (JMC) since 1972 and two years had passed. I had been taken to Jesus and Mary College to start the department over there.

The Commerce Department in the University was relatively new. It had been separated from the Economics Department to begin Business Studies.

As was my nature, I smiled and let go of criticism from other people waiting for their interview.

My PhD registration interview

One young man came forward, smiled, and was courteous. He said, “Mam it is your turn for the interview.”

My interview was smooth and I answered all the questions they asked me without any hesitation. I was well prepared. They were impressed and my heart felt sure that I would be selected.

The young man shook hands with me and introduced himself as KD (Name changed) he said that he had just been taken in as a Ph.D. scholar and he was teaching in an elite college the Sri Ram College of Commerce or SRCC as it was called.

I received my confirmation for being accepted as a Ph.D. student.

KD became a great friend of mine. Those days we were permitted to teach and do our Ph. D.s at the same time.

We would meet at the university library every day. 7 other students had been selected and now there were a total of 10 Ph.D. students.

We became like a group of friends but KD and I became very close friends. He would protect me from people who passed a line or would whistle when I passed from there.

My Ph.D. guide was not at all helpful. He was possessive and wanted me near him all the time. He found me very sophisticated. He would ask me to take him to a five-star for lunch or coffee and would invite people of his choice. Anyone who became a close friend of mine would be disqualified from the group.

I had put my heart and soul into my work but he was not interested. I was keen to get success.

I had read Swami Sivananda who said

“Put your heart, mind, and soul into even your smallest acts. This is the secret of success”.

One day my guide called me. He was very angry. He was livid. He asked me to go and find another guide as he refused to work with me. I had disobeyed and gone with other Ph.D. scholars and not with him.

He told me that such important discussions were taking place and important people had come from various parts of the world and I went away with my friends.

With my heart fluttering away I told him. “I am no longer your arm candy. This is how you are treating me. You decide what you want to do. I bring my work and sit the whole day and you do not even see or check my work. while others are going ahead my PhD will never get done like this. From today,I will choose who I want to talk to and not you”.

KD and I freely moved together. My guide somehow felt that I had a romantic inclination toward KD and some others like SM and CH.

SM and CH left their Ph.D. because they could not take the rigors of work but I struggled to keep a balance between pleasing my guide and going around with my friends.

Being the only woman, I was admired by the M. Com students who I was teaching and the professors. My friends loved me. Being India they wanted to remain at a little distance as people may say something. I was not fitting in society.

My heart throbbed. Was it my fault that I was the first and only woman at that time?

My husband and others would be very upset because I would get late coming home.

Completion of Ph.D. degree and the joy in my heart

My heart was always wandering. What shall it do? Sometimes it throbbed with happiness and sometimes with fear that I am getting late to reach home.

Finally, I completed my Ph.D. and my heart was happy to be receiving a piece of paper that said that I had achieved my doctorate. At the convocation, I was given a lot of accolades for my work, and despite all the challenges of being the first woman I completed my work with flying colors. The same guide congratulated me and was delighted that his student finally did make it.

KD never bothered about society. He continued to be my friend. I met his wife and children. From a modest beginning, he became quite a big shot. I was always invited to their functions. He died three days ago. My heart was sad. I had lost a dear friend.

The heart can oscillate between happiness and sorrow. We do not have control over it.

Let your heart decide what to do smile even with challenges in your life and scatter the smiles to those whose hearts are sad.

I love the quote and always remember the following :

“Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts “. Paramahansa Yogananda

©Dr. Preeti Singh, 2022.

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