My Experiences on How to NOT Let Other People Control Our Emotions
There are different situations where you feel like your emotions are not your own and out of your control. It happens to me quite frequently and I am sure that it happens to quite a lot of people out there, too.
Does it bother you, when someone is picking on you or nagging you constantly?
Do you feel that people are manipulating your feelings and you cannot do anything about it but just let them manipulate you? This is normal and it’s not because you are weak. It’s just because these people like putting blames on others and nitpicking you every chance they got. They are manipulating you purposely or not, just to cover up their faults or they’re having a bad day and you’ve become their outlet.
Do you feel very uncomfortable, knowing that someone is upset with you or someone is angry with you?
This is another group of people, by nature, who tends to let other people control their emotions. If you do feel uncomfortable knowing that somebody is upset with you, then you’re like me. You cannot live knowing someone is not okay with you.
But, this varies across people. Some people only feel that way towards their loved ones (like their parents, their partners, their siblings, their friends, etc — I’m this type, by the way) when some other people feel that way for all the people.
And this is probably because you are an empath, or a highly sensitive person, or a people pleaser.
Unfortunately, I am all of it. I’m a bit of an empath, a super highly sensitive person, and also kind of a people pleaser. But fortunately, that applies just for my loved ones. I struggle almost every day with my emotions due to this nature. For some of the days, my parents are upset with me. Some other days, my partner is not okay with me, etc and etc, and I suffered.
Today, I will be writing down the methods on what I did to lessen my natural burden and tried my best to stay emotionally stable, over the years. I’ve tried these methods and succeeded to some extent. I’m not 100% cured yet because it’s in my nature that I tend to care more about my loved ones than my own well-being. I’m still struggling but, these methods had helped me overcome my worst days.
1) Give Them Some Time
We tend to seek peace immediately. Because it’s very uncomfortable knowing that someone is upset with you. We are being impatient and this, actually, is our problem.
Every process takes time.
We need to understand that people cannot go right back to being normal in a tick. Our emotional process also takes time and it varies with people. Some people take days to recover from bad emotions while others (like me) only take just a few minutes.
It’s very important NOT to keep on wanting to go back to normal or be okay with them immediately. This takes time. I know that we tend to become very anxious. But —
If we keep reminding ourselves that the emotional process takes time, it really helps us to calm down a bit.
2) Learn to Distant Yourself From Them
To not get affected by other people’s manipulation or by their emotions, we need to distance ourselves from them. Being around them all the time will only make us miserable, anxious, and greatly uncomfortable.
Try going for a walk or a run.
It can help lessen our overthinking of the situation. If not, just go into a separate room and try watching a movie or listen to music. For me, reading a book works the best. We just need to try and shift our focus onto other things while waiting for them to cool down and be okay with us back again.
3) Most of the Times, It’s Not Your Fault
Believe it or not, most of the time it’s really not your fault. You’re just being anxious because you don’t want people to be upset with you for any reason. But —
If you really think about it, it’s totally not your fault that they’re feeling this way towards you.
If it has been your fault, you would have already apologized to them a long time ago and already have done everything you can to make up for it. So, try to remind yourself not to be concerned with their bad emotions which are not caused by you.
4) Pat Yourself on Your Shoulder
When they are in a bad mood, they might say things which they didn’t really mean to you, because you’ve always been their outlet. I know that this can totally make you feel sad, insecure, guilty, and/or useless. Remember that those words are not 100% true.
Other people’s perception doesn’t reflect who you are.
That’s the truth. You know yourself what kind of person you are. You know what you’ve done and most likely is that you’ve done your best. So, pat yourself on your shoulder.
I literally did pat myself on my shoulder whenever I feel really useless, insecure, and guilty because of other people’s words. Then, I said these words out aloud myself while I’m alone —
“I’ve done well. I’m a good person. I do not deserve to be feeling this way. I will not let them control my emotions.”
Then, I stop being so hard on myself, at least at that moment.
5) Talk to a Sympathetic Friend
If self-talk doesn’t help or you’re not comfortable talking to yourself, then talk to a friend. But, not just any friend, try to find a sympathetic friend, a friend who always sympathizes with you and always sides with you because he/she understand your situation.
Luckily, I have one or two sympathetic friends. I always go and talk to them and open up what is troubling me emotionally. Thanks to them, I am still surviving to this day.
Because they could always reassure my value and reaffairm the faith in myself.
6) Everything is Temporary
Nothing lasts forever. Emotions and anxiety also don’t last. All of them will pass after a few hours or a few days. I tend to chant this well-known phrase —
“this too, shall pass”
— whenever I cannot do anything at all to make myself feel better. Sometimes, it really helps.
It tricks my brain into thinking that this is just a temporary thing and no need to be focusing or overthinking on it. And it tells my mind not to feel any pain over these passing and fleeting moments. Then, I started to calm down by taking long deep breaths.
7) You Cannot Control How Others Feel About You
It is not something you don’t already know. Of course, you knew that. But, this is just a reminder. Try to keep reminding yourself of this as a last resort.
You have tried everything and if they’re still upset with you, there is nothing you can do. So, just ignore them.
It is hard, I know. Very hard to actually do it. But, there is no harm in trying, and keep reminding yourself of that. Think about it, you cannot even control yourself and how you feel. So, how, in the world, can you ever be able to control other people and how they feel.
We’re not cursed, we’re blessed actually.
That’s how I think. Because in my opinion, going through such emotional hardships can make us stronger each day. We just need to find ways to cope with the pain and come out wiser and tougher than our previous selves.