My Ex-Husband Just Got Engaged

Sadly, here’s how our children found out

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and we’re celebrating with our extended family. My boys’ phones begin to ping with texts. They’re confused by the picture of a woman’s finger with a diamond ring on it.

Below the image, the sender writes these words.

“It’s official. I said yes!”

My guys start to grasp the reality of what they’re receiving.

Their father’s girlfriend is announcing her engagement in a group chat with other members of his family. My children are outraged. Hurt has a way of eliciting that type of feeling.

How could their father plan to marry without telling them?

They don’t even know her.

They’ve dated for a year and a half but each has met her only once or twice in passing. They’ve never even spent a few hours with her. This makes it even more shocking.

If you’re going to marry someone wouldn’t you care if your children knew her?

Or how your kids would take the news?!

Or maybe that you’re the one delivering it?

I’m in the other room, unaware of what’s taking place. My boys are pacing and walking in and out of the house to make phone calls to their dad’s relatives. They decide it’s best to wait until after the holiday to tell me.

The next day my son asks me to go to lunch.

“I’ve got news to tell you,” he says. “Dad got engaged yesterday.”

A few minutes later, my youngest shows up. And then my phone pings with a red heart emoji from my middle son. Here’s when I can’t hold back the emotion.

These are the only tears I will shed. My three sweet beautiful boys seem to be more worried about me than themselves. They think I will be sad. But I’m not because I’ve exercised the feelings I once had for their father. It was a slow death but I’ve had closure longer than they realize.

The only time my ex-husband upsets me is when he hurts our children.

I’m amazed at their compassion during their own distress.

The amount of love they show me is overwhelming.

How is it possible my heartless ex-husband doesn’t understand how incredibly loving and empathetic our children are? How in the world does he think it’s appropriate to blindside three caring beings who despite all the bad he has done, still allow a part of themselves to not give up on him?

And what type of insensitive woman thinks it’s a good idea to group text a man’s children she doesn’t even know? And what woman would want to get engaged to a man before she has at least gone to dinner with his kids? Let alone attempt to forge any type of relationship with them.

It’s documented my ex-husband lacks empathy.

It seems he’s attracted himself to a similar, not opposite personality this time around. One who shares the commonality of thinking of themselves before anyone else.

I get the excitement of being engaged.

But didn’t she get that out of her system the first two marriages?

The third time around you would think she could usher some ring restraint. Not text children who have zero notion this is coming like you’re texting your BFFs. But the writing is on the wall. You can tell this woman didn’t consider my boys. Because it’s not uncommon for kids to resist their parents dating someone, it’s uncomfortable to see their dad with someone new.

But it is highly uncommon for children to never see their father. Or for him to choose to spend Father’s Day and Christmas Eve with her while canceling on them. Personally, I would understand if a child didn’t want to meet me but the red flag would be why doesn’t he ever see his kids? With the exception of one of our sons and only because he works with his dad.

Neither of them seems to have any regard for our children.

They are living in their own world. And in my kids' defense, their father told them a few stories about her which made them apprehensive, to begin with. So they haven’t been enthusiastic.

I look at my sons.

“I’m not upset,” I say. “I’m worried about you all being upset.”

They convey their bewilderment.

It’s not normal for a dad to not care enough about his children to talk to them and prepare them. Or even wait to come home from his Thanksgiving travel and see them in person to deliver the news.

The only way to describe my ex-husband is how someone close to me once did…

“He is predictably unpredictable.”

It took me years of tears to grasp this. Instead, I reacted and was hurt and shocked over and over again. Never believing his new level of escalation. My boys have simply stepped into my shoes these past eight years.

In divorce, it became evident their father would hurt and shock them.

Over and over again. Even more, than he had while we lived as a family. Those with diagnosed Narcissistic personality disorder will do that. And those that love them will be in denial.

At least until they can’t withstand the pain any longer.

On that group text, my one son said, ‘You better tell mom.” Again, I get choked up thinking he thought of me, not himself. They didn’t want to be the bearer of what they believed would be bad news to me.

Of course, it wasn’t my ex’s job to tell me.

I am no longer a part of his life.

But it absolutely was his responsibility to tell our children.

In his signature style, my ex-husband responded by blaming me. Seriously? Has he not tired of turning his bad behavior around on someone else?

Essentially, sorry boys couldn’t tell you, your mom would’ve written about it.

Thanks for the invite, I accept.

And in the future, you might want to dial back your deception less you get caught. Or let your fiance know it’s not a good idea to text a pic of a big ring to children who suffered years of horrific financial abuse at the hands of their father. Maybe she isn’t reading my writing but it sounds like she is since you are.

She must know you’ve withheld food, health insurance, electricity, and so much more. Not to mention the threat of foreclosure in the safety of their home.

She must not care.

Yup, that sparkling rock upset our boys too.

Our kids knew it was deliberate. They knew their father was lying. That he was never broke. That he always had money and savings and retirement. Even when he refused to send them back to college or give them what they needed at home. They understood he was never the poor man he claimed to be. It was an abusive divorce game.

Their father was willing to hurt them to leave their mother with nothing.

They knew it was a lie.

It just now overtly lives on a stranger’s finger.