DENTAL DAMN

My Dental Hygienist and I Married the Same Man

Is it easier for ventriloquists?

My dental hygienist thinks we‘re the same person. She’s not a very good listener. She tells me our husbands are like twins. She says, “You know what it’s like to be a cop's wife.” She says, “Remember when we used to hate our lips.” She says, “Our mother-in-laws are such drunks.”

My mother-in-law is a sober Mennonite but my dental hygenist will never know that. I think it’s these mirrored glasses I wear when she cleans my teeth. She’s talking to herself. We have so much in common.

I wonder what it’s like when my hygenist goes home to dinner. When her family can actually talk back? It must be shocking. She must be thinking why are they not like me? Why are their words not like my words?

She says to me, as I’m paying my bill, “We have so much in common” and then flutters away in her colorful little smock, always with the last word.

I want to yell in her face, “You don’t know me!” But that seems futile and she carries a drill she moves around my mouth. How well do I need to be known?

I want to tell her my real feelings, dreams, and hobbies through my muddled garble, but all she cares about are the stains on the back of my teeth. I want to track down her house, eat her food and tell her everything — my first kiss, my first job, my family, my favorite books, my greatest fears, my political affiliations, my greatest regrets, my favorite hat, my pets name which is not the same as hers. She doesn’t know that. She thinks it’s hilarious we both have dogs named Penelope of Recul.

As soon as she removes the drill, fluoride, cotton balls, and spitsucker out of my mouth, I’m dead to her. Do you think ventriloquists have an easier time at the dentist's office? Do they have delightful conversations with their hygienists the entire hour of the drilling the foaming and the watering? Does my hygenist know a ventriloquist more deeply than she will ever know me?

My dental hygenist thinks my husband is a cop because when she was telling me about her cop husband, almost a decade before, I apparently said my husband is a cop too. I don’t know how she got that information from blurble, knaa, gahh, anghn.

Now, she’s always saying “You know how it is with cops!” I don’t. Mine’s a coder.

She also doesn’t think my lips are real because when she told me hers weren’t, I apparently agreed. What concerns me is maybe she thinks I can’t feel my fake mouth and she’s drilling a little harder than if my lips were real and sensitive. Is she more tender with the ventriloquist?

The weirdest part is now I have to have sex with her because I’m pretty sure when she asked me out and I said yes. Our husbands are shitbag cheaters and she wants to get back at them. I’m worried she’s not going to like the real me!

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