My Daughter’s Reaction To My Big News: A Master Class In Emotional Intelligence?

Probably not, unless healthy responses to major life events like moving have become extraordinary

I’ll never forget this story.

When I was a kid, my Mom had a friend from up the block.

This lady had a son, who is a few years older than me.

In high school, the son applied for college. He sent out a bunch of applications and got accepted into a pretty solid school a few hours from our working class hometown in Upstate New York.

The acceptance letter came in the mail. His mom saw and opened the letter first.

He got in!

She threw the letter in the trash.

This kid’s mom never told her son that he accomplished something a relatively small number of people from our neighborhood accomplished.

The mom died a few years ago. The son’s alive. He still lives in our hometown. Just as his mom wanted it. Which is why she didn’t relay what was really pretty awesome news to her kid.

This story — and what we’ll talk about today — has everything to do with money. With personal finance. Because money and personal finance have everything to do with where you live.

Not gonna lie. My girlfriend and I watch our fair share of reality TV.

Extremely emotional parents, with pathetic influence over their children, are a recurring theme on many of these shows, particularly the ones that deal with people moving across the world for love. The attachments these people have with their kids aren’t merely unhealthy. They’re borderline, if not a flat out toxic mix of narcissistic and sociopathic.

I’d chalk it up to overly dramatic, scripted and sensationalized reality television if it weren’t for the story about the mom not telling her son he got into college. I didn’t make that up. It happened.

Even my Mother — who spent two weeks depressed in bed when I moved away from home in 1995 at the ripe age of 19 — can’t believe her friend did this. Every time this lady’s name comes up, my Mom tells that story and gasps. Sometimes my Mom brings her name up — I think — just so she can tell the story.

My Mom. A woman, who until they each passed away a few years ago, lived less than a five-minute drive from her father and brother.

My Mom. Yeah, she, unintentionally, made me feel a little guilty when I left home, but she never would have considered trying or, worse, conspiring to stop me. In fact, as hard as it probably was for her to accept that I decided not to settle down the street, my Mother supported me in my initial move and every other move since then.

Including the move my partner and I plan to make — within a year or two — to Spain. The move I was super nervous to tell my nearly 20-year old daughter about.

But I told her. My voice was even shaking a bit when I delivered the news.

I’m not sure exactly why. Probably a mix of —

• I know I’m gonna miss her.
• I don’t want her to feel sad.
• And I hope she doesn’t think less of me as a parent.

All normal emotions to feel.

When I told my daughter that we hope to apply for a visa by the end of next year, her face changed. I have seen that before. I’ll leave the discussion we had between us, but, in the shell of a nut, she understands why we’re moving and — I’d go so far as to say — supports it.

She knows I love the lifestyle in Spain.

She knows I prefer the pedestrian-focused built environment. The public space. She watched me spend a good seven years studying urban planning.

She knows that, in the second act of my life, it makes more financial and quality of life sense to live in a country such as Spain rather than stay in America.

She’ll miss me. We talked about the logistics around visits. And we put things in perspective. This is still a little ways off. She’ll be graduating college around the time we finally move. Who knows what she’ll be doing then? Plus, this move gives her the opportunity to easily explore another part of the world. I feel like it will actually strengthen our relationship.

All of that said, yeah, I was so nervous I put off telling her probably a bit too long.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching so much reality TV and, subsequently, thinking about that childhood memory, that made me worry my kid would freak out over the prospect of her dad moving to another country.

But she didn’t.

She reacted like a normal, sane and sensible, grounded human being.

I could say her response was a masterclass in emotional intelligence. Because we have come to a point in our society where doing something run of the mill in the face of adversity makes headlines.

Do the right thing or don’t act like an asshole when you’re in an emotional space and, you too, can give “master classes” in all sort of things.

So, no, as much as I love her, I can’t say my daughter gave a master class.

I’m relieved by her response. I’m happy with it. And I look forward to entering this new chapter of my life and experiencing a new dynamic in my relationship with my daughter.

But, man, these reality TV shows.

This one guy lives outside of Manhattan. He’s a mama’s boy. He met a girl, apparently fell in love and sees (or saw) a better life for himself in Amsterdam. He was all set to move. Until his family got a hold of him. He didn’t tell his mom until the girl came to visit America. What a mess.

His mother’s reaction —

I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!

This other couple lives in a small Mexican town. Close to one of the moms. One half of the couple wants to move to Mexico City for more vibrancy and opportunity for their young child.

The mom’s reaction —

I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!

I could keep going. In story after story, parents freak out — hysterically or passive aggressively — because their kids want to move. Whether it’s just because they want to or for a better or less expensive life.

Then these parents often manipulate the living hell out of their kids. They guilt trip them. They ask why the person from Europe can’t move to America. They act like the world’s ending. And so on. They have probably tossed a few college acceptance letters in the garbage during their time.

I don’t get it.

I can’t imagine doing this to my kid. I want what’s best for her. I want her to have the life she wants to have. End of story. And I think this ought to be a two-way street.

Bottom line — if you stay put for family, you might be missing out on experiences you could only have by moving. Worst case scenario, you could pass up opportunities that could put you in a better financial situation than if you had stayed put.

Beyond practical money-related stuff, family should support your pursuit of your dreams, even if it’s a dream they don’t have or could never imagine having for themselves. They should never piss on or, worse yet, sabotage those dreams.

Apparently, this type of familial dynamic is more common than I thought.

In an America where millions of us are or will be up against major life decisions regarding housing and overall quality of life, the last thing we need is out-of-line and overbearing parents putting their insecurities, unhealthy attachments and unfounded provincial fears on their kids.

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This article is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered Financial or Legal Advice. Not all information will be accurate. Consult a financial professional before making any major financial decisions.