NARROW-MINDED HUMOR

My Dad’s Ten Rules for Life

Thou shalt follow them until you die

When I was old enough, my father sat me on his knee, spit out a cheek full of chewing tobacco, and said, “I’m going to tell you how the world works.”

“Okay, Dad. I’m all ears.”

I was six then and thought my father was a deity, mainly because he talked like the Wizard of Oz and had a huge bulbous head.

“Here’s the way life works, son. First, you need to have a set of rules. Then, you must follow them religiously. These rules will keep you on the right track; if you change or modify any of them, you’ll crash and burn.

He scared the hell out of me, so I listened to God — er, I mean, my Dad.

#1: Buy the cheaper jeans. Jeans are made from denim. All jeans are denim, so all jeans are the same. Therefore, buy a pair of loose-fitting Wranglers because they’re cheaper than Levis. Cowboys wear Wranglers, and dirty hippies wear Levi’s.

#2: God and Country. There are two things you must worship — God of the cross and the military of the gun. All the great people love them, including the Masons and Shriners. First, salute the flag and then bow down and pray. Your priest is like your Army sergeant — whatever he says goes. And if you have to kill somebody while serving your country, God will understand. It’s not a sin if you kill the enemy.

#3: Stay away from strange-looking people. These people can be hippies or guys who wear Birkenstocks. They usually are unpatriotic and do drugs. Instead, hang around with people who work regular jobs and live a wholesome life, that is, drink non-IPA beer and prove their masculinity by smoking Marlboro and getting into bar fights.

#4: If you are ever depressed — ignore it. If your sadness gets too bad, come to me or your mom. Depression is from listening to a deranged liberal and not your father. And whatever you do, stay away from a therapist or anyone with a Ph.D. after their name. They’ll fill your head with the wrong ideas and sabotage your Dad’s rules for life. Worst than that, they’ll make you write screwy affirmations in a cute journal.

#5: If you get married, don’t marry a whore, a Democrat, a witch, or a woman against gun control or the death penalty. Marry someone like your mother — demure, knows how to cook, and has a steady hand to pluck your ear and nose hair.

#6: Vote Republican. Don’t ever pull a Democrat lever — or you’ll surely go to hell. It doesn’t matter who is running against a Republican; Republicans are always the best choice — no matter what they preach. Many Republicans are God-fearing and flag-worshipping. Most Democrats are atheists who believe pesticides and car emissions screw up the environment.

#7: Food. Don’t eat strange foods like veggie patties, sushi, or anything ethnic because they’ll mess up your stomach. Instead, stick to meat, potatoes, and a small serving of canned vegetables — no salads. Salads are commie foods. For breakfast, have plenty of eggs, sausage, or bacon. Do not eat kosher, gluten-free, or blessed by a non-priest. Remember, being overweight is good for your health. Pizza is okay, as long as it is not a specialty pizza with truffles or other crap.

#8: Put your parents on a pedestal. When we get old, senile, and can’t hold our urine, please don’t put us into a nursing home, but bring us into your house; have your wife change our diapers and give us eye drops and salt baths. No visiting nurses or health care aides — take care of us yourself. And when we’re dead, give us an expensive funeral with a top-of-the-line casket. You’ll go to hell if you cremate us.

#9: Worship your children. Once you have kids, you worship them like the people in India worship cows. Make sure you do everything for your kids, even if you can’t afford it. Spoil them so much that they feel indebted to you and guilty when they hurt your feelings. That’s how you control your children and keep them loyal.

#10: The most important rule is to keep following Dad’s rules. Place my picture on the mantel shelf as a reminder of who’s the boss, and bow down before me at least three times a day. Keep my photo in your wallet. Tell everyone how great your Dad is when you’re at a bar. And when I’m dead, visit me weekly at the cemetery. I will haunt you in your sleep if you fail to keep the flowers fresh on my grave.

Of course, I never followed any of my father’s rules for life. Instead, I became a tree-worshipping hippy atheist and allowed my Satanic kids to smoke pot and freebase cocaine.

© 2022 Mark Tulin

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