HOLIDAY HUMOR

Why Can’t I Stop Watching Elf?

And wearing tights

I know Elf is just a Christmas movie, but it has become much more. Even when it is not the holiday season, I am compelled to watch it every other hour. Sometimes more if I’ve had too much eggnog.

Maybe it’s because I relate to Buddy. My father left at birth, and I’m still looking for him. My mother said he joined the Merchant Marines, but I know he’s out there somewhere — possibly closer than I realize. Maybe he’s in New York City publishing children’s books?

When I wore my elf outfit to work and redecorated my office to look like the North Pole, my boss fired me on the spot. I realized then that I needed to see a psychiatrist.

His name was Dr. Narwhal, and he said I had what’s known as Holiday Movie Disease, and it’s due to watching Christmas movies like Elf, Scrooge, and It’s a Wonderful Life in excess.

Dr. Narwhal said that people watch these films to forget how miserable their lives are, especially in these uncertain times. And that these holiday movies are usually a source of comfort.

“However, in your case,” said Dr. Narwhal, “you’re watching Elf way too much— five times a day. That’s why you’ve become psychotic — split from reality.”

“Doctor,” I said. “How do you know I’m psychotic?”

“You keep wearing those orange elf tights,” and he pointed to them.

“Is that enough to make me psychotic?”

“No,” he said. “But you also make your wife sing “Baby it’s Cold Outside” in the shower. You’ve changed your name from Larry to Buddy, and you eat spaghetti with maple syrup.”

“Oh,” I said, not revealing that I also memorized “The Father Song,” which forced my children to believe in Santa Claus despite being teenagers and assaulted several mall Santas because they wore fake beards.

When my time was up, Dr. Narwhal removed his prescription pad, wrote me a high dose of Haldol, and told me to double the amount if my symptoms worsened.

“If watching Elf isn’t reduced by fifty percent within thirty days, call me to change the medication — possibly to Thorazine.”

Then something bizarre happened when I started to leave Dr. Narwhal’s office.

In a goofy voice, the doctor said, “Bye, Buddy. Hope you find your dad.”

I turned. “What did you say?”

“Just to have a good day.”

“Oh, and you, too, Dr. Narwhal.” And then I floated out of his office on an iceberg.

© 2021 Mark Tulin

Here’s another funny one by Mark Tulin: