My Chinese boyfriend broke up with me overthinking getting married

That was the first time we connected on WeChat and hang out together. However, there are more than just the two of us.

There were his friends from the soccer team, their wives and kids, lots of kids. And his parents. And it was Chinese New Year’s Eve.

In Chinese culture, the importance of Chinese New Year’s Eve equals Christmas Eve in the west. You don’t bring your first date to dinner on Christmas Eve and meet your parents and your best friends with their families.

But that’s how it happened.

Fortunately, the whole scene was quite merry. After countless beers and baijiu, everyone started to call out the only two single people at this dinner, me and him, a couple.

He’s 35, I am 36, both long late at the age of getting married in Chinese culture.

After a long night and the fireworks, we end up sharing a bed at a friend’s house. Nothing sexual happened, and we just end up cuddling.

The next morning I asked him if he remembers anything from last night, that he was drunk, kissed me, and said all the things about how we should be together.

He seems to have a hard time remembering everything, but he said:

“Let’s give it a try.”

I can’t say I didn’t notice him before that night. He’s tall and slim. He’s got cute eyes that look a bit like Korean guys, and not sure why but he speaks a little bit of Korean sometimes probably because he was in the Taikuendo National Team and won third place in the world championship.

Like all girls, I love drama and the unexpected, so it was natural for me to say yes to him when he said let’s go for a day trip to a nearby town.

With his friends.

So the day after the Chinese new year, the day after that, and the day after that. I was with him, his friends, and his family. He would do sweet things like helping me with shoelaces (I got an injured hand), helping me to wear my hat, and other stuff. He’s a sweet guy.

Everything seems kind of nice but something just doesn't feel right.

• He kept a distance from me physically
• He kept saying things about wanting to settle down and get married soon but doesn’t have the asset to do that now.
• He kept asking questions that implying not wanting to be changed in the future if we were together (ex: You are not gonna ask me to quit smoking in the future, are you?)
• He’s worried about the things that haven’t happened yet and not able to enjoy the moment when we are together
• We are always together with other people around. His friends, his families.

I started to feel a bit weird when he only invites me to join his friends or families.

In Chinese culture, you will need to have a house and a car before you are able to find a wife.

In China, marriage is not just between two people but also like a commercial relationship between two families. I have read so many stories about how couples broke up right before the wedding because their parents are not on the same page about how much “gift money” the family from the groom should give to the bride. It is customary that the family of the groom gives a certain amount of cash, real estate, or other assets to the family of the bride as goodwill and appreciation for the brides’ upbringing.

So I can imagine how stressful a Chinese guy is when it comes to preparing all those things he doesn’t have. Before he found the person he wanted to spend his life with.

Not to mention the divorce rate in China is over 50%. So it could be quite stressful to think about when you took a long time and effort to get ready to become a high-quality candidate in the marriage market, and things don’t work out and you get a divorce just like the rest of the 50% of the married couples in China.

So frustrated.

There’s no sense in dating and having fun when we are going out. I could sense his stress when we are alone. His mind is somewhere in the air may be weighing if we will be a good match in the future but not how much of a good time we are having at that moment.

Finally, he couldn’t do it anymore. He can’t handle the stress that’s coming from his mind.

He said we should just be friends.

I obliged.

I replied to him with thank you note, but deep down I felt left out and abandoned in this relationship.

So in the end, I texted him and mentioned that I am not sure if I can be just friends with him.

In order to pick me up from this experience, I flew the Shanghai to freshen up and have some fun.

Getting away from the place we met and spent time together helped a little bit but I find myself still wondering why our could-be relationship didn’t work out.

I found a book at the bookstore and started reading it under the sun one morning. The book is called: You can heal your heart by Louise Hay & David Kessler

In this book, I learned every relationship is a journey and an opportunity to learn how to love ourselves. Sometimes we ask questions to other people but in fact, we are asking those questions to ourselves when we already know the answers.

This book helped me understand if I love myself, more love from another person will be complimentary but not necessary.

I wish him the best and I regret nothing from having this experience with him.

I know, I am much closer to someone who loves me as much as I love myself.

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Hello, 👋 It’s Vicky. I’m a YouTuber & writer based in Yunnan, China, and looking forward to sharing my story with you.