DILDO HUMOR

My Boyfriend’s “Real Sex Doll” Ran Off With My Dildo

And they have more Instagram followers than I do

I don't know how to put into words how violated I feel. Me and my bottlenose dolphin, Dolphy, have been together for longer than my boyfriend has been around.

We just celebrated ten glorious years. It was a romantic night, just the two of us. Maybe it only lasted 10 minutes, but it was, you know — just OK.

Then my boyfriend left the room and the fun began. Out came my best friend and we went to town. That was another 10 minutes, but boy was it memorable.

I know my boyfriend also spent our anniversary with Elsey, his real sex doll, but I don’t care. You do you, weirdo.

Elsey has always been in the spare bathroom for easy cleanup. It wasn’t until we had a pipe burst and she had to rest in the tub in our ensuite, that I started to suspect something was up.

Dolphy, normally kept in the drawer by my side table, kept showing up beside the tub. I thought I might have dropped it in a cum-haze, but it kept happening even when I wasn’t around.

I confronted my boyfriend. I asked if he was using Dolphy for butt play and he said no — thank God! Imagine the clean-up.

He did tell me that he and Elsey were on a break, though. With the change of scenery, she felt she needed some much-needed me-time.

I hear that.

Still, we couldn’t figure out how Dolphy got in the tub one day. With the pandemic shut-downs, neither of us had left the apartment and we only opened the door for delivery guys and the washroom repair folks.

In the middle of the night, I had to pee, which was unusual. I reached for Dolphy to get me back to sleep. He was gone.

I checked the ensuite and noticed Elsey was gone too. With the spare bathroom repaired, I checked there next. No Elsey. No Dolphy. I roused my boyfriend to help find our besties. He didn’t know either of their whereabouts but found it odd, given the winter weather, that the spare bathroom window was ajar.

We were forced to snuggle in together for some heavy petting and dry humping to get ourselves back to sleep. When we woke up we both had notifications from Instagram that one of our contacts had an account we might be interested in following.

Wouldn’t you know it! Fucking Elsey and Dolphy hanging out at a club surrounded by women with pouty lips and men with swollen packages.

They sure put on a show. Dolphy in Elsey’s mouth, between her tits, and inside her silicone twat, right there at bottle service. Had Elsey ever asked where Dolphy had been? If so, she might have avoided her mouth.

Then they posted pics of their room at the Waldorf. #finallyfree and #reallove

Give me a break!

My boyfriend and I followed their journey from New York City to North Carolina. They went skiing before hitting the beaches of Florida. So gauche to go topless on a family beach.

Now it appears they are settling in Mexico because Dolphy apparently wanted to #returntohisroots. He forgets his roots are the Sex Shop on 5th.

Yes, I broke up with my boyfriend. Turns out we weren’t as compatible as we thought.

Dolphy and Elsey are still together and they can go fuck themselves.