My Boyfriend is Divorcing His Wife

Polyamory, breakups, and family-style co-parenting

When my boyfriend called me three months into our relationship and told me that he and his wife were getting a divorce, I admit I was happy to hear the news.

I’ve written about this before, and I’ll reiterate — I don’t celebrate broken relationships or marriages. No matter how bad your relationship was, divorce carries with it stress, grief, and a major life adjustment. Especially when there are children involved.

But I was beyond excited to hear that my now-life partner (whom I lovingly refer to as Blue) had decided to end his marriage. That’s mostly because he shared a lot with me about how he struggled in the relationship for two decades — long before I ever met him.

For the last couple of years, his soon-to-be ex had a breakdown of sorts. She took advantage of him and relied on him to take care of the kids, the bills, and the house.

She had long ago told him that she wasn’t physically attracted to him, and they had incompatible sexual interests. She became co-dependent and wouldn’t let him go out with friends on his own. At one point she pushed for him to drop out of college — before they had kids — so that he could work more and see her more. Forget about your degree, I guess.

Blue loves his soon-to-be ex as the mother of his children and his friend, but their romantic relationship was a hot mess. And it was fizzling long before I entered the picture in our polyamory journey.

New partners and worsening co-dependency

Months prior to their split, Blue’s wife brought home her own poly partner. They had talked about opening up their marriage previously as a concept, but she had never agreed to go for it. Not until she found her own partner first. Then, she was suddenly on board.

She’d fallen in love with a non-binary person who was born female (she/they). That partner moved into the basement about a month into their new relationship.

At that point, Blue started covering house and food bills for yet another adult who wasn’t working, contributing to household finances in any way, or helping with chores. It was slowly driving him to the point of exhaustion. And insanity.

I came over and helped with cleaning when I could. And I still do. But no one keeps up with it once I go back to my house.

A year or so before I met them, Blue’s wife had stopped working for mental health reasons. With an added household remember who also wasn’t working, their financial situation became more dire. On top of that, the kids weren’t getting the time and attention they needed.

Blue’s soon-to-be-ex is currently job searching and still trying to heal her mental health, and we’re all doing what we can to help her.

But Blue’s salary and mental bandwidth just isn’t enough to take care of everyone — financially and emotionally — all the time. He’s too good of a person to just stop, but adjustments are slowly being made.

Like living separately and filing for divorce.

Blue and his wife’s decision to split was amicable enough. She at one point had hopes of a happy throuple with him and her new partner, but that is something that would have to come organically. It didn’t.

So, they agreed that marriage wasn’t a fit for their relationship. A good family co-parenting situation and a healthier environment for the kids, however, is important to all of us.

The chicken-egg question

Is polyamory a huge risk and a major cause of divorce? Or, do couples on the brink of divorce turn to polyamory as a final effort to have unmet needs tended to and even invigorate their stale relationship?

It’s a chicken-or-egg struggle I know all too well. And the limited research available on divorce stats in the poly community doesn’t help in solving the mystery.

The news of my polyamorous partner divorcing his wife came before I made the tough decision to leave my own husband.

Before I told my now-ex that I wanted a divorce, he and I had made that last-ditch effort to save our marriage by opening up and exploring polyamory.

To be clear, I didn’t see it as “last-ditch” going in. I didn’t think our relationship was in serious trouble. I knew we had opposing sexual needs. I knew I loved him and was committed to staying with him. I knew I wanted us both to be happy.

Additionally, I knew I wanted to find as much joy in life as possible and live my sexual revolution after years of society and religion making me feel ashamed of being a woman with physical desires.

Ask anyone in polyamory or do the slightest bit of reading on the topic, and it becomes quickly obvious that opening your relationship in order to save it doesn’t usually work.

A relationship has to stand strong on its own and have phenomenal communication in order for opening up to be a success. After many conversations, research, and some couples counseling, my husband at the time agreed to give it a go.

And I felt so incredibly free.

I hit the ground running and soon discovered a local polyamory group in my community via Facebook. I struck up a conversation with a man who invited me to a weekly karaoke meet-up of non-monogamous locals. I found several good friends whom I’ve become close to — friends I’ve dated and friends I’m platonic with. Including several strong, intelligent women. Some of the strongest, most passionate, and most professionally successful women I’ve ever met.

Then, I met Blue on OkCupid — and that was it.

We fell in love hard and fast and connected from the get-go with our common quirks, interests, senses of humor, and beliefs. Blue later became my Dominant, which is a whole other story.

Because he’s honest, open, and always communicative — I trust that he’s doing what’s best for his family. For himself. For me. For his soon-to-be ex.

All of them are in individual therapy, getting the mental health support they need to make better choices.

And, despite its challenges, I love our non-traditional family. I love co-parenting together — even if the legal marriage contracts are changing.

I don’t care what society says a family should look like. Society can shove it. What’s important is that we’re happy in our relationships, we’re healthy, and we’re raising our children to the very best of our abilities.

I love teaching our kids that romantic love doesn’t have to have to look a certain way.

And let me be real with you (as I always strive to be) — I love that Blue and I are free to be romantic with just each other now.

Finding love — and keeping it

You might think you have a strong foundation before opening up, but other, healthier relationships you experience in polyamory will almost certainly highlight the troubled spots in your marriage or domestic partnership.

There’s also the jealousy. Some couples have bad experiences with poly dating. There are more poeple involved, more feelings on the line, and more complex emotions flying.

That in itself can be enough to make couples return to monogamy. Some come out stronger for it.

Then, there’s the possibility of the opposite outcome. You may just find someone who is so good for you, so good to you — so emotionally, intellectually, and physically perfect for you that you know you can’t spend the rest of your time on this earth in a marriage that is fundamentally flawed.

I experienced both worlds. I got to enjoy fun poly relationships that let me have the outlet I needed to come back to my husband happier, healthier, and more loving toward him.

Then, I met someone who blew up the world as I knew it — in the very best way. That’s Blue for you. He’s now my lover, my Dom, and my best friend in the world.

Love can look different — love can evolve

Blue currently lives with his soon-to-be ex-wife. He stays in the basement bedroom, while his wife and her partner sleep in the upstairs bedroom. I come over multiple times a week and spend the night with him in the basement. They have two kids I love and help care for. I have an older teenage son who gets along well with everyone.

All the while, we’re sorting through plans for finances, separate living spaces, and divorce.

As odd-looking and non-traditional as we are (not to mention, as neurodivergent as we all are), we’re a family. And I love it.

If you decide to open your marriage, be careful. And, most importantly — be honest. With yourself and with your partners.

Feel free to be curious and questioning — because ethical non-monogamy is still relatively strange and uncharted territory in our society. The Wild West of dating, sex, and love.

Even if you judge non-traditional relationship folks like me in a harsh light, I’ll be happy that you at least took a moment to look at me and learn something from another human’s perspective.

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