My Biggest Obstacle

Summary

Lori Carlson reflects on the difficulty of asking for help due to early life self-sufficiency, exacerbated by a lack of support from her parents, which has led to a lifelong struggle with independence and reliance on others.

Abstract

Lori Carlson recounts her journey of learning to be self-reliant from a young age, stemming from both her early childhood illness and her position as a middle child, which often resulted in being denied assistance from her parents. Despite these challenges, she graduated high school early, moved out at seventeen, and supported herself through college, eventually earning multiple degrees. Her independence made seeking help, including for mental health issues, a significant challenge. It took years for her to trust therapy and therapists, but she eventually found one who made a substantial difference in her life. While her spouse has been a source of support, especially during health crises, Carlson still grapples with the internalized voice of her mother that discourages asking for help, an obstacle she anticipates facing for the rest of her life.

Opinions

Carlson views self-sufficiency as a necessity due to her parents' frequent refusal to help, which has deeply affected her ability to ask for assistance.
She believes that her parents' denial of support, such as not providing a car or allowing her to participate in sports, contributed to feelings of being unwanted and traumatized.
Despite the lack of parental support, she takes pride in her achievements, such as buying her first car with her own earnings and completing higher education independently.
Carlson acknowledges that her difficulty in seeking help extended to her mental health, delaying her from getting therapy despite knowing its importance.
She has encountered both supportive and dismissive therapists, which has influenced her trust and progress in therapy.
Her spouse has been a reliable source of support, particularly in times of severe mental illness and physical health challenges like cancer.
Carlson anticipates that reliance on others will increase as her health declines, but the ingrained resistance to asking for help, stemming from her mother's influence, remains a significant personal challenge.

Reflections on Thursday’s prompt

Thursday’s Prompt: How easy or hard do you find asking for help when you need it?

I learned to be self-sufficient fairly early in life. I don’t know if it was because of my early childhood illness and coma or because I was the middle child, but any time I asked for help from my parents, most of the time I was turned down. Dad would lend me a few bucks now and then, but he also knew I would repay him. That didn’t have to go through Mom’s approval. However, when I became sixteen and it was my turn to get my driver’s license and a car, unlike my sister who was given a car, my Mom said no for me. Five years later, a yes was given to my brother. A great way to make an already traumatized kid feel wanted. But it was other small things too. No was the standard answer for most things throughout my childhood — no, you cannot play sports, we can’t afford it. No, you cannot play the flute, we cannot afford, on and on.

I graduated from high school at the age of sixteen. A few weeks later, I turned seventeen and moved out of my parent’s home. I went to college part time, had a job part time and my own apartment. I would get help on occasion from an aunt, but for the most part, I took care of myself. The only time I would ask for help from my family was if I needed to move to a different apartment. I had a few friends and partners I could rely on for transportation, but at the age of twenty-eight, I bought my first car with my own money. It was one of my proudest moments. I also put myself through another ten years of college for an Associates, Bachelors and Masters degrees.

So yes, asking others for help has always been difficult for me. Even as mental illness ripped through my mind, it would take me years to seek help and get into therapy. And even therapy was touch and go. I had a couple of therapist who were encouraging, but I also had some who were dismissive of my problems. Although I knew last year that if I didn’t get into therapy, I would end up back in a mental hospital, it was still difficult at first for me to confide in my current therapist. Thankfully, I was able to trust her and she has helped me more in a year than all previous therapists in the past few decades.

For the most part, I’ve been able to ask and receive help from my spouse. We had a rocky start to our marriage, but we never argued over money. If I needed monetary assistance, he’s always been there for me. He helped me through my mental illness episodes at their worst, was by my side as I battled cancer, and even encouraged me to go stay with my dad in his last years of life, even though it meant we would be apart for four years.

Now, in my waning years as my health continues to decline, I know I will have to ask for help more often. And I know I have a spouse who will be here for me should I need that help. Yet, I still battle with myself when I need to ask him for anything. There is always that voice of my Mom in the back of my mind that says NO. I fear it is an obstacle I will always deal with.

For 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s Weekly Prompt: 11–15.01.2021 — Reflective January

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.