My Autism Squeaked to Me. Here’s What It Said.
Autism squeaks
It happened when I was taking a walk in the woods. I heard a squeaky male voice. It said:
“Hi.”
“Who is this?” I said.
“I’m Greg. I’m your autism”, the voice whined.
I was confused why my autism was (apparently) male and called Greg.
“What do you want? I’m having a nice, quiet walk here. I don’t really feel like talking right now.”
“Of course you don’t. Because of me. See, I’m ruining your life. If it wasn’t for me, you would have two well-behaved kids and a job as a bank clerk”, Greg squeaked.
“No, thanks”, I snapped and started to walk faster.
“You can’t escape from me. I know where you live! I will ruin your marriage! I will eat all your chocolate!”
“That’s it! I’m done with you!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I started running.
At That Point, I Knew It Wasn’t My Autism Squeaking
Greg’s voice wasn’t inside my head but it came from the woods. If my autism was no longer inside me, shouldn’t I have felt like a neurotypical person (not that I know what that feels like)?
Yet here I was, running away from my autism while still feeling very much autistic. I kept running until I was out of breath.
I had run out of the woods and was back on the street I live on. I was shaking with rage and exhaustion.
When I got home I still felt a little paranoid but everything was normal. My husband hadn’t left me and my chocolate stash was safe.
“It’s just stress. You work too hard”, my husband said to me after the incident.
I believed him. I started doing more yoga and meditating to calm my nerves. It seemed to help as I didn’t hear from Greg again. Not until I saw the “documentary”.
The “Documentary” on Autism
A few weeks later, I was watching funny animal videos on YouTube. YouTube recommended me a documentary on autism. I clicked on the video.
I almost screamed when I saw my own face on the screen. I was walking in the woods wearing my jogging clothes, and “Greg” was squeaking in his squeaky voice. I felt my anger rising as I kept watching.
At the end of the “documentary”, I was screaming in despair to “my autism”:
“That’s it! I’m done with you!”
Horror film music played in the background and a blood-covered text appeared on the screen: AUTISM KILLS.
An autism-advocacy organization called “Autism Squeaks” had secretly filmed me and made me a star of their “documentary”. And for a while, they had actually made me believe my autism was a squeaky-voiced guy called Greg who threatened to end my marriage and chocolate addiction.
I reported the video to YouTube and it was removed from the platform. Unfortunately, other YouTubers had already made some remix versions of the video and it was impossible to find them all.
It’s also very likely the “Autism Squeaks” organization is still showing the video in their own events to educate people about what autism looks like.
In fact, I think the folks who work at “Autism Squeaks” sincerely believe that by secretly filming me for their video, they have given a voice to another poor autist.
If you want to support my work as an autistic advocate, you can buy me a coffee. Thank you. ☕
