My Anti-Bucket List

20 Things I Will Never Do

If you are unfamiliar with this prompt, you shouldn’t be, because it’s kind of self-explanatory. These are 20 things that I will NEVER do. “Never say never.” Oh, shut up.

1. Skydive — I may be an angel, but I ain’t got wings! “What if someone offered you a million dollars?” Oh, stop it. Who’s going to offer me a million dollars to jump out of a plane? I’ll tell you who: The person that’s going to sabotage my parachute!
2. Go Bungee Jumping — The same idiots who skydive (no offense to the idiots who have done it) are the same ones who would go bungee jumping. Jump off a bridge with a rubber band tied to my ankle? Nah, I’m good. “It’s stronger than a rubber band.” Oh! Well, in that case…
3. Buy a Motorcycle — They’re dangerously scary. Notice I didn’t say ride a motorcycle, because if there’s a hot guy driving, you bet I’ll ride it! (umm… the bike–yeah, that’s what I meant)
4. Have Sex with a Woman — I’m sure this will be a disappointment to a few (probably VERY few) women and completely unfathomable to some of you hetero men, but that’s the way it is. Oh, I suppose if I was completely hammered, I’d say, “No, fanks” and then grin widely with my eyes closed.
5. Go Bald — Now, of course, if I start losing my hair naturally, I will do everything in my power to unnaturally grow it back or keep it there. If my hair follicles decide to betray me and abandon ship, I will be forced to buy a decent wig or always wear a hat. Some guys look okay with shaved heads, but those are the hot guys who look good no matter what they do. I do not have the shape of a head that looks good naked. Have you ever noticed that you can tell if a guy is cute or not, even from the back of his head? I am usually pretty good at this little game. Come with me to the mall sometime and we’ll play “Hot or Not” by looking at the backs of guys’ heads.
6. Go Hunting — Can’t do it. I have family members who go deer hunting, and I understand that they’re overpopulated and cause accidents all the time in this area. The people I know who hunt, eat the meat and everything, but it’s not for me. I watched Bambi when I was very young and I can still remember the one thing that really struck me in that movie was when Bambi’s mother was killed. Oops! I forgot to say “Spoiler Alert!” but if you have never seen Bambi, then you should just shave your head and jump out of a plane with a rubber band tied to your ankle.
7. Live in Alaska — I can’t stand the cold weather. Plus, with everyone wearing parkas and stocking hats, how am I supposed to be able to look at the back of a guy’s head and know if he’s hot or not? “Excuse me, could you please turn around? Oh…Thank you, move along.”
8. Not Have a Cat — I love cats; they’re the best. I can’t imagine not being able to sit and relax in a chair with a purring cat on my lap.
9. Run for Political Office — In conjunction with this, you will likely never see a post written by me with politics as the subject. My cat Zoe is the only one in my family with any political aspirations (see Zoe Olivia Ellrich for President) and I fully support her but it is not my forte. Everyone has their strengths and I hope those currently in office will find theirs.
10. Make Someone Do Something They Don’t Want to Do — I’m halfway through the list so I thought I should be serious for a moment. No one should be forced to do anything they don’t want to do unless you’re forcing your kid to eat their vegetables, but you know what I mean.
11. Commit Suicide — I understand the thoughts and emotions. I have felt that pain. I have stood there with that knife. I know depression very well. She’s a cold-hearted bitch and I wish I’d never met her. But this act of finality causes so much pain for those who are left behind to deal with it, I can’t impose that horror on anyone I love. Wow! That took a dark turn, eh? Are you enjoying this emotional roller coaster? I’ll see if I can turn it around.
12. Become an Avocado — I just don’t see it happening. I’ve eaten them, and I know you are what you eat, so I suppose it’s possible. I just can’t picture it.
13. Win the Championship at Wimbledon — I would love to; I just don’t have the drive, I’m too old, etc. Those pros start as soon as they can walk! I love Rafael Nadal, by the way. Rawr! Muy Caliente!
14. Go to Space — Have you ever seen Gravity? Enough said.
15. Go Deep Sea SCUBA Diving — It’s similar to outer space, in my view. The vastness of the ocean, the mysteries that lay hidden beneath the murky depths–It’s not for me. If a huge humpback whale came up beside me, I would FREAK OUT!
16. Have Children — Well, I know I’ll never bear children, but I’m really not looking to adopt or purchase any either. I guess if I meet a guy who has one, he or she could probably stay in the attic or basement. I’ve got my nieces and nephews and I’ve got my cats. They’re much easier to deal with.
17. Bring My Boyfriend Home to Meet My Parents — Bad as it is, this is my reality. My dad has already spoken about this possible scenario and it wasn’t a pleasant outcome. I will not repeat the harsh words he said, but I’ll just say that this one is as likely to happen as #12. Again, sorry about that. Just when we were heading *click*click*click* up the track…whoosh! Down we go! Let’s try to get the fun back, shall we?
18. Be Cremated — I have this (I refuse to say “irrational”) fear that the coroner might make a mistake. “Wait! I’m not dead, I’m in a coma!” Then they put me in that box and set it ablaze. “It’s just as bad as being buried alive.” Is it? I don’t think so. If I’m buried, at least I have a small chance of digging my way out, but there’s no chance in Hell I’m surviving that fire!
19. Marry the Man of My Dreams — Why? Because he died almost four years ago. You may think that’s morbid and disrespectful. He would find it funny and I knew him better than you, so I’m not worried about it. He would’ve actually said, “That’s f***ed up,” as he laughed. I loved him very much and still do. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me. I would have spent the rest of my life with him.
20. End This List on a Sad Note — As I said, it’s been a roller coaster. Every climb to the top must be followed by a descending ride back to earth. I don’t think of myself as a pessimist but as a realist. I always say that my goal in anything that I write is to evoke emotion. If I have brought you to tears of laughter and tears of sadness from reading the same page, I will be quite proud of myself. Remember the motorcycle? And the avocado? Those were pretty funny.

I don’t want to tag anyone because I know I’ll leave someone out; plus, I know that several people have already done this and I’m too emotionally drained to remember who they are. So, if you’re reading this, I invite you to participate. “I hereby dub you Sir Anti of Bucketdom! Go henceforth and write!”

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