Zoe Olivia Ellrich for President
Z.O.E
Hello, my name is Zoe Olivia Ellrich and I’m here to announce my candidacy for President. That’s right — the cat’s out of the bag! I recently heard the news from Miss Catherine La Grange, spinster that Miss Piper La Grange is running for Congress.
Well, I’ll be damned if I allow a dog to bark her way to the Presidency. She can have her seat in Congress — go ahead, throw her a bone — but I intend on clawing my way right to the top!
First, Miss La Grange is already 10 years old; that’s 70 in dog years! Do you want another geriatric running the country? We need a young, fresh face in the highest office. I’m only five years old and still going strong! Plus, I’ve got nine lives, so I’m not going anywhere. I won’t belabor you with comparisons. I’ll let my stance on the issues meow for themselves.
Being “Woke”
You won’t find anyone less woke than me! My catnaps last most of the day, but don’t let that fool you: I am not lazy. I stay out all night, hunting and catching mice. That’s what I intend to do in the White House. I’ll eat those political rodents for breakfast! They hide in the sewers and swamps, but I’m here to drain the swamp!
Education
Everyone knows how smart cats are. We’re intelligent and trainable, and we only speak when we have something important to say. You won’t see me barking up the wrong tree. I know how to manipulate my humans:
As you can see, humans don’t train us — we train them!
LGBTQ and Racial Equality
Here is where Miss La Grange and I agree. I’m calico, obviously, and never knew my father. My adopted pet dad is gay and I understand the plight of marginalized groups and I will catfight anyone who chooses to exclude or put down anyone that isn’t a “pure breed.” We all deserve to eat out of the same dish!
Vaccines and Masks
A trip to the vet is not my favorite way to spend the day, but when I got my shot, I didn’t even flinch! Rabies? No, thank you. Masks are a different story. I can’t stand having anything covering my face or wearing any “costumes.” I won’t hide behind a catsuit. What you see is what you get. I wore a beautiful red cloak once, but it was only for a photo op.
Crime
I may have been a little sneaky in my past, but that’s all behind me. Cat burglars will be purrsecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I’m staunchly against the death penalty, though. No-kill and rescue shelters are the way to go. There are plenty of adoptable pets and plenty of homes that could use a cuddly companion.
Littering
I bury my poop! I don’t just leave it out to be stepped in or picked up by someone else. If it’s left up to me, litter boxes will be cleaned out as soon as possible. We need to keep this planet clean.
Bipartisan
I may not agree with dogs on a lot of issues, but I’m willing to cross the catwalk and shake paws in compromise. If they want to bark at cars and howl at the moon, that’s their business. I’m not one to squelch someone’s religious practices.
As for my running mate, well…I prefer to be quite independent, but they tell me I must choose one so here we are:
As you can see, we’ll climb the ladder of success all the way to the top. We’re not above putting in the work that needs to be done.
I hope you’ll feline up at the voting booth and scratch my name on the ballot. I mean, look who we’ve had in there so far. What do you have to lose?
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