THONG SONG
My Epic Quest to Make My Buttcheeks Brazilian-beach Worthy Again
Marshmallow Woman Ponders Revealing Swimwear For a Family Vacay
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s more outlandish than Blippi’s laugh!
It’s my gigantic ass, courtesy of Body By Grinch.
I’ve gained a good 30 lbs since my Z-list modeling days. The pandemic, having had “large portions” of babies, and having lived rurally — thus needing to drive everywhere for three years — are limp excuses. I now look like a “How Hard Did Property Brothers plus Red Vines Hit You?” meme.
I don’t live in the middle of East Bumf*ck anymore. But the kids are ages where the demands of their curricular and extracurricular activities seem to be at an all-time high. This has not helped me to round out my schedule with regular exercise.
Nevertheless, the time for reentry into the Phatmosphere is nigh.
We’re going on a beach vacation after Christmas. Now, Mexico isn’t exactly Rio De Janiero, Brazil. But it might end up being a when-in-Rio kind of trip — even if it irritates the hell out of my teenagers.
My goal is to be singing the Thong Song like it’s 1999.
Let me slide something out of the way. My husband is not disappointed by my newfound chonk. But he is supportive of things involving my butt.
He’s so wildly supportive that he often approaches me from behind when I’m in the kitchen (where I belong). He lifts the cheeks and gropes and bongo-bongs them. Joe’s anaconda do! It’s so nice to be appreciated for my firm intellect and free domestic labor that slaps.
Back to figuring out how to floss the mega marshmallows without losing a bathing suit in the process.
Anyone who’s had to whup their own behind into thongable submission will tell you this — getting back into shape can be the 8th circle of Hell. But I won’t overdo it. I don’t need to look like a heroin-addicted ultramarathoner to be my girl; I don’t hafta be cruel to my body to rule my world, as Prince would say.
Still, it would be nice to have an aesthetically-pleasing ass again. Perhaps I should illustrate with a before-and-after. A testimonial to “Body By Netflix and Candy,” if you will.
My ass before:
My ass now:
Just kidding. That’s the referee at my oldest two sons’ high school water polo game last week. Spectating your kids’ aquatic sports is a mixed saddlebag for former athletes. Can you tell I’ve been sitting on the bench a lot?
It’s time to bring back Booty Galore.¹
And more importantly, I’d like to have more strength and cardiovascular fitness. I can barely get out of the damned pool! Swimming at a masters practice a few times a week, running, and doing Leandro Carvalho workouts are some activities on the menu.
“I promise you — I guarantee you — your body gonna change!” -Leandro Carvalho, in: Brazil Butt Lift
I may also do a bit less cookie-doughing and a bit of that “intermittent fasting” thing my husband is into these days.
I’ll save a fortune on sugary bullsh*t! Otherwise, it won’t be pretty.
Because as the MSU alumna and late Pilates maven Mari Winsor would say, I’ll have to “tweeze the buttocks.”
¹ RIP Honor Blackman, AKA “Pussy Galore” from Goldfinger (1959)
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