Summary

The author defends the decision to allow her children to eat sugary cereals for breakfast despite a teacher's ban, using it as a learning experience for her kids.

Abstract

The article "CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS: Why I Let My Kids Eat Sugary Bullsh*t For Breakfast" presents the author's perspective on parenting choices, specifically the decision to permit her children to consume sugary cereals. Despite an edict from her son's teacher, Mr. Jones, against such breakfast options, the author, who admits to culinary limitations, chose not to enforce a ban at home. Instead, she used the situation to teach her son about self-regulation and the effects of sugar on his well-being. The child, Wes, eventually began to make his own healthier breakfast choices, leading to positive outcomes both nutritionally and behaviorally. The author believes in allowing her children to experience the natural consequences of their dietary decisions, a stance she has maintained throughout her 18-year parenting journey.

Opinions

The author acknowledges the potential negative impact of sugary cereals on children's behavior but questions the effectiveness of strict bans.
She expresses a preference for teaching children through their own experiences rather than imposing authoritarian rules.
The author humorously criticizes her own cooking abilities, except for a few select dishes.
She cites scientific research to support her claim that children can learn to moderate their sugar intake without strict parental control.
The author values the development of personal responsibility and self-awareness in her children, as evidenced by Wes's transition to healthier breakfast options.
She adopts a laissez-faire approach to parenting, emphasizing kindness and firmness while allowing her children to make their own choices and face the consequences.
The author suggests that her parenting philosophy has been successful, as indicated by her children's growth and the fact that her younger children also enjoy a degree of dietary autonomy.

CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS

Why I Let My Kids Eat Sugary Bullsh*t For Breakfast

And no grown-up will ever stop me

To the younger siblings go the spoils of jaded parenting. (Author’s Photo)

When my second-born child was in second grade, he’d had a teacher I’d been excited about. Call him Mr. Jones.¹ ¹This happened 10 years ago and I can’t remember that teacher’s real name.

Like Creon in Antigone, Mr. Jones had issued an edict at the beginning of the school year —

No sugary cereals before school, to be punishable by death.

Let me be clear. I fully understand and sympathize with Mr. Jones’ (only) rule. I would rather get a sternum tattoo of Shrek playing the bongos with my bosoms than routinely deal with 28 second-graders who are hopped up on Apple Smacks. But, unlike Zora Neale Hurston’s Janie Mae, I can’t cook for sh*t.

The only foods I don’t suck at making are spaghetti, Aunt Kay’s favorite Barefoot Contessa lentil soup recipe [external link], and the Miller family’s traditional “lard” cookies.

“Gal, it’s too good! You switches a mean fanny ‘round in a kitchen.” -everybody, after I make my yearly batch of lard cookies¹

Great-Grandma Platte’s Christmas Cookies (Author’s Photo)

Call it Peter Pan Syndrome. Call it Oppositional Defiant Disorder, in the parlance of educators. Call it whatever you want. But even as an idealistic young mom whose family hadn’t owned a TV for years, I couldn’t bring myself to throw down the ban hammer on these rusty nails of malnourishment.

Even spoiled-ass housemoms need something to rail against.

I made a conscious choice that my kids were gonna get cracked out on sugar that school year, and that Wes was gonna crash — hard — in Jones’ class. Every single day, if we saw fit.

Guess what happened? Abso-f*cking-lutely nothing.

This is backed by science, too.² ³

With a little bit of prompting from me, Wes noticed he was grumpy when he got hangry after school. He was tired and felt crappy when he’d been snap-crackle-popping Red Bull Flakes for breakfast. He didn’t have as much energy to tear the ever-loving soles off of his shoes while dragging them on the handball court.

Maternal apathy FTW?

Ultimately, Wes started taking baby steps toward preparing his own bagel with cream cheese in the morning. Protein? Check. Yummy, yet less of an insulin bomb than candy cereal? Check, check. He’s learned to check his own (cereal) boxes. He’s a senior in high school now and empties the dishwasher, too.

Next year my son may learn a new lesson: how quickly does a person get mono when he’s in college and eating nothing but pizza and beer?

And at this point in my 18-year parenting career, I’m not willing to take a hardline stance on much. It’s all about giving information with kindness but firmness and letting my kids experience the natural consequences of behaviors. Fly, little birdies! I’m all out of Cocoa Flying F*cks to serve.

And our fifth and sixth children eat Nutella toast for breakfast.

¹ Actually, this what Phoeby Watson says to her bestie, Janie, in Their Eyes Were Watching God.

² Wolraich M, Wilson D, and White J. 1995. The Effect of Sugar on Behavior or Cognition of Children: A Meta-analysis. JAMA 274(20): 1617–1621.

³ I might be cherry-picking my science a bit, here. Sugar does have plenty of negative effects on health, but I’m not getting into cellular aging, diabeetus, stress-induced senescence, mental health, etc, etc, etc in this piece.

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