avatarDeborah Weir

Summary

The article presents a satirical take on self-help success strategies, offering tongue-in-cheek advice on achieving success in a humorous and irreverent manner.

Abstract

In the satirical piece titled "My 5 Steps to Success Are Better Than Yours," the author humorously claims to have superior steps to success compared to other self-help programs. The article mocks the vagueness and often unrealistic promises of success literature by suggesting absurd and lethargic practices, such as waking up late, eating ice cream for breakfast, and engaging in excessive social media use. The author, Deb, guarantees success in relationships, finances, and health through these facetious steps, which include getting an early start by waking up as late as 3pm, eating a "healthy" breakfast of peanut butter or icing, managing the day by doom scrolling and playing mobile games, exercising by wandering aimlessly, and getting a good night's sleep after watching bad movies. The article concludes by sarcastically reassuring readers that following these steps will lead to marginal success, akin to the author's own.

Opinions

  • The author satirizes the overpromising nature of typical self-help success programs, implying they are often generic and ineffective.
  • There is a clear skepticism towards the conventional wisdom that early rising, healthy eating, and structured time management are key to success.
  • The article pokes fun at the idea that success can be easily achieved through simple, one-size-fits-all steps, suggesting that such claims are dubious.
  • The author uses humor to critique the culture of productivity, suggesting that the pursuit of success can be exhausting and absurd.
  • By recommending indulgent behaviors like eating icing for breakfast and prioritizing leisure activities, the author playfully undermines the seriousness with which people approach success.
  • The piece reflects on the impact of the pandemic on daily routines, highlighting the difficulty of maintaining productivity in unusual circumstances.
  • The author's tone implies that the true measure of success may not align with traditional markers, and that personal well-being and humor are undervalued components of a successful life.

SATIRE

My 5 Steps to Success Are Better Than Yours

Learn from me, for I am brilliant

Photo by Engin Akyurt from Pexels

Tired of headline after headline boasting wild claims of incredible outcomes, just by following their program?

Me too!

It’s time to ignore all those phonies pedaling their “5 easy steps to success” and start following my 5 easy steps to guaranteed success because they will absolutely give you the results you are looking for. And it must be true because I said guaranteed. And absolutely. I mean, how could you go wrong?

Success in what? you ask. Well, I’ll tell you, I am not really sure.

Most of these articles specify in which arena they promise success. They usually fall into one of three categories: relationship, financial, and health.

Guess what? I can personally guarantee your success in all three, and using the same 5 steps, because they’re all just vague enough to apply universally, or nowhere at all. Actually, it’s usually the latter.

So look no further, the solution to literally everything that is bad in your life lies below.

1. Get an early start to your day

Almost every successful person will tell you that they get up at 5am to make more time for all their success. They need those extra hours in the day in which to bask in all of their accomplishments.

Since that doesn't apply to me, I usually wake up around 9:30, sometimes 11. If I’m feeling extra-successful that day, I may sleep until well after noon. But all of those times are earlier than 3pm, so I’d say I’m pretty successful.

On those days when I wake up at 9, boy, do I feel accomplished by 10! In that first hour of the day, I’ve usually gotten out of bed to pee, put on a robe, gotten back into bed, and probably closed my eyes again for another 20 min. You can never be too well rested for success!

When I wake up for the second time, I get a cup of coffee and get back into bed. Success is exhausting.

2. Eat a healthy breakfast

The importance of nutrition cannot be overlooked. I’ve heard it said that what we put into our body is what we will get out of it.

I have yet to self-produce mint chocolate chip ice cream, but that doesn't mean I’m not going to keep trying!

I try to ensure that I eat a variety of foods, rich in vitamins and nutrients that are proven to make you successful. Have you ever heard of a successful person with a riboflavin deficiency? I didn't think so

Protein kicks my brain into high gear. So I start my day with a giant spoon of peanut butter. No bread, no crackers. Don't waste your time on the vehicle when spoons hold far more and can be refilled easily.

Also, peanut butter on bread generally requires a plate and then washing of said plate. Spoons can be licked clean! Getting in my nutrients and saving time like a boss!

However, there are days when I’m not feeling that Peanut butter will give me the kick that I need to get going. That’s where my good friends Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines come in.

We all need a little support sometimes, and nothing gets the day going like a heaping spoonful of icing. It is not a sign of weakness to eat icing for breakfast. It is a sign of weakness to deny yourself the truth: that icing is amazing any time of day!

3. Manage your daytime hours effectively

All of the other 5-step programs will tell you that you need to allocate time to all of your big priorities for the day and stick to that schedule, making sure to leave extra time for incidentals, self-care, and leisure.

Being stuck at home during a pandemic shut-down is no reason to not tackle all of your daily responsibilities. How can you be successful that way? You can’t! Here’s how I get it all done in a day:

After my breakfast of coffee and icing, I usually get back into bed. A rested mind is a productive mind!

Maybe I’ll just close my eyes for a few more minutezzzzzz — Wait! I can't do that, there is so much successing I need to do!

So, I begin my promising workday with a few hours of doom scrolling on Facebook. You can’t focus on all that personal growth and development until you know who made sourdough bread last night and who took their dog for a walk in a snowy little wooded area this morning, right?

When you have other people waiting on you, you should ensure that you complete those tasks early in the day. It will clear your mind and help give you the focus you need for your own work later.

So, generally, when I tire of doom scrolling, I turn my focus to Word Cookies and Yahtzee with Friends. I spend the next hour or so catching myself up and ensuring I've left no turn untaken.

This is essential, as you will return to this task shortly, and you’ll want to ensure maximum progress each day, as reaching new levels in stupid phone games is directly correlated to success in life!

4. Make time to exercise

Keeping your body moving helps deliver essential oxygen-rich blood to your brain. And a brain with oxygen knows no bounds! Except when it’s an air embolism, that’s not good at all. You generally end up dead and it’s very hard to be successful that way.

Lots of the successy-type people belong to gyms, funded by their even more successy bosses. If that’s not an option for you, why don't you try my way of doing things? Don't forget I guaranteed success!

I like to wander from room to room, fairly aimlessly, looking around for a minute or two, then wandering off to the next room.

When I want to work my arms, I go to the kitchen and check the fridge.

No, I’m not hungry — close the fridge. Wait, I’m a little peckish — open the fridge. nah, I’m just bored — close the fridge. But there’s icing — open the fridge. Silly girl, you had that for breakfast — close the fridge.

I generally do this for about 15 minutes. Or until I realize that it’s time to play word cookies again, or I’ve eaten all the icing.

5. Get a good night’s sleep

Admit it, all this success has made you tired. It’s important for the body to rest and recover for a new day of successing tomorrow. However, sleep is also for the weak, and we are fucking champions!

So, crawl into bed (yeah, the one you got out of less than 12 hours ago), and turn on a truly terrible movie that will suck you in and keep you up for another two hours

Once the movie ends, you don't have to go to sleep right away. You can pick up your Facebook doom scrolling right where you left off this morning.

How can you sleep when you haven't seen a picture of Joan's dinner? Or heard about the lineup at the grocery store from Steven.

I mean, I suppose you could, but would you want to?

Scroll away to your heart's content. Before you know it it’s almost 3:00 AM and your eyelids are getting droopy from such a successful day. Better get some shut-eye so you can be just as successful tomorrow.

Final Thoughts

And there you have it. Wake up at 9, or 11, or 3. Consider getting out of bed. Or don’t. Follow it up with a spoonful of icing for delicious, sugary energy. Doom scroll for hours, maybe play a game, mix it up a little. Get in that important exercise by reaching into the cupboard for cookies. Then climb back into the bed you practically just left and watch movies and doom scroll until you pass out

All you have to do is follow these steps to and you too can be marginally successful like me!

I guarantee it!

More helpful life advice from Deb

(just kidding, don't ever take advice from Deb. But definitely read these stories!)

Humor
Satire
Life Lessons
Success
Self Improvement
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