My 2020 Was Not Good Nor Bad…But Confusing

I don’t know with you but 2020…was confusing.

I lost the job I had for the last six years. Take note, it was announced on my birthday week last September. The team I’ve worked with for half a decade was dissolved; we never even got to see each other and hold a formal farewell party.

I lost a friend during the pandemic; it was suspected to be COVID-19-related. He was unresponsive to my chat messages a few months ago. I didn’t know he passed away already at that time. I found out through someone else.

I was ideally supposed to graduate in August in my master's program, but I had to delay that for a bit. The pandemic drained my mental energy. I tried to fulfill my academic requirements, but I just couldn’t.

2020…

It is intuitive for me to say it was the worst year, a time of losses, a never-ending period of one bad thing after another.

But I just genuinely felt it’s unfair and dishonest for me to brand the year with just that. Because a lot of blessings also came into my life. And that’s why I feel so torn. Despite the bad things that have happened last year, how I responded to them, what happened after each terrible experience, is worth celebrating. Will I be cancelled for that? Will I be crucified for uttering the words, “Thank you, 2020”?

I tried to learn a new skill and got a certificate for it a short period after my unemployment. And I got hired right away for a job that aligns with my career trajectory. Good job, self!

I started to write more and explore where my artistry could go further. I found the push that I’ve long been searching for, in 2020! And that includes venturing into Medium.

I started to take care of my health holistically more than ever. I started doing calisthenics and investing in workout equipment; I learned how to cook my food and eat healthier; I regularly attend online therapy and continuously discover coping mechanisms to find a workaround for my mental hygiene. Thank god!

And it’s also this year where I nourish my online friendships. I’ve met new people and beautiful communities. They helped me survive lockdown blues! I am 100% sure that I am not the only one with a screenshot of a Zoom or Google Meet hangout with friends. With that, I’m just grateful!

For the many things that I never would have done if I was not forced into quarantine…I want to pat myself on the back.

So yeah, I have stories of triumph amidst the crisis. Am I not allowed to express my gratitude without a “pandemic sensitive” disclaimer or a callback for a societally appealing message? I mean, it’s MY story. I don’t intend to invalidate the sufferings of others.

In the process of rationalizing it, I realized that privilege plays a part in all of the things I was thankful for. Oh, bummer. Suddenly it became a “woke” post, right? Am I now toxic?

But that’s what 2020 magnified for me — the clear difference between the rich and poor. Of how we experience the pandemic differently.

Opportunities came to me because I was educated, with specific skills deemed “pandemic proof” while the unemployment rate skyrocketed in the Philippines to 17.7 per cent.

Art was my coping mechanism, while thousands of others struggled to survive. I created art — writing poetry and essays became my therapy. I consumed art — I will not enumerate the number of series I finished because this will be an extremely long post. But just to juxtapose: I just had to cope, but many others had to survive. They can’t even entertain art at this time.

Being healthy and safe is something I can afford. I am sheltered at my place and can afford delivery services. Should I go outside, I hardly go on public transit; there is always a ride-hailing service around. I have access to mental healthcare because I can pay for it. We all know that COVID-19 is also a global-scale psychological crisis.

I can delay my studies without severe repercussions. For many others, when they push back the timeline, the opportunity cost means not being qualified or competitive to work. The longer they remain in that state, the longer they stay “underprivileged.” There will be no social mobility for them in the duration of the pandemic. I know this because I improved my life right after I got my degree and had a stable job.

And this last one might be an oversimplification. I was able to connect with friends and meet communities to keep me company…because I have stable internet access. At a time of pandemic, internet connection could mean life and death. Your job, business, education, news and information consumption, basic services, and leisure time — they all rely on it. And I guess I am not alone into thinking that we desperately find ways to be “socially healthy” by always maintaining online relationships.

I have to remove my rose-tinted glasses…because that accessory is something I “bought.” All of the reasons why I survive triumphantly in 2020 have privilege embedded in them.

And the worst part? I am not even part of the elite. I am somewhere in the middle class. I am sure the rich have exclusive advantages over me. So following the transitivity logic, what is true between groups A and B, then to B and C, must also hold for A and C.

So that’s why 2020 was conflicting for me. I know I am allowed to celebrate, it’s my right. But it is also my privilege.

Maybe I brought this to myself? Why do I have to make things complicated? Maybe I care for society too much? Well if you experienced being poor at one point in your life and have been involved in socio-civic movements, you’d highly relate to the terrible things others are dealing with; you saw and experienced them yourself. You just can’t remove that from your head. And maybe you need to touch base to know what the people on the fringes of society are currently experiencing. Because most likely, the difficulties of being poor years ago have significantly worsened over time...add a pandemic in that equation. Once you’ve opened your eyes to the horrors of this world, it would be cruel to just keep your eyes shut.

Privilege check?

If you can afford to look away from all the negativities and if what I said sounds foreign to you, yep that’s a privilege.

And…if you have time to read and you can understand this long post, still the same privilege.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. But the truth is, some are too busy surviving the pandemic that they don’t have time to just read a sappy new year post like this one.

So in 2021, I pray that I may continue to reconcile these conflicting feelings (if that’s even possible). I remember praying and wishing that my friends and family get the same coping mechanisms I had. I can’t imagine how awful it might be without them. Just imagine: if we, the privileged people that we are, finds it physically and mentally exhausting faring through the pandemic, what more for others who literally have nothing?

So maybe this year, I pray it will become better for the underprivileged as well. I hope they can be prioritized for all the goods in this world because those of us who are in a better state are holding up. Oh god, I cringe by just saying that line because it sounds overbearing and pretentious at the same time.

May I find the peace that last year eventually became good for me but was still bad for many others.

May I see more opportunities for myself this year and may I never close my eyes to the harsh realities of this world.

May I always remember to be grateful for my blessings and may I never forget that there are those who are still waiting.

Thank you, 2020. And fuck you, too.

May 2021 be better. For all of us. Especially to those who need it the most.

Happy New Year!

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Andrew Beso is a Manila-based content creator who is exploring different ways of sharing art — whether it be written, spoken, and visualized. Aside from being in Medium, his work can also be seen on Youtube, Instagram, and Tiktok.

He is using his undergraduate and master’s degree in Economics and Political Economy, respectively, in discussing social issues through creative expressions.