Fun and Games
Murderous Pirate Captain Seeks Equally Murderous Personal Assistant
Feared Barbary Coast Corsair Forming Blood-thirsty Startup for New World Operations
Job Brief
Pillage and plunder your way to a bright new future with this highly motivated team. We are very excited to announce Jolly Roger LLC has received seed capital from Spanish Main Venture Fund and will begin operations in the Caribbean Region. This is a rare opportunity for the right enterprising individual to be on the ground floor of an aggressive cutting edge organization ready to stain the sea red with the blood of our enemies and fill our ship to the gunnels with untold ill-gotten riches. At Jolly Roger LLC our motto is Yo, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum, which exemplifies our commitment to a diverse, inclusive, surprisingly fun workplace. We strongly encourage applicants from all backgrounds and walks of life to join our larcenous crew of murdering scalawags.
Responsibilities
- Act as the point of contact between the Captain and the British investors maintaining communication in the King’s English
- Screen and direct requests from the crew in fluent Pirate with pronounced rhotic styling
- Handle inventory of spoils, tallies of the vanquished, and promissory obligations of captives including communication of ransom details with captives’ families, governmental bodies, and/or employers
- To assist in dressing the Captain as required in the appropriate costumes for various vessel seizures and official events. Maintain and organize wardrobe.
- Daily assistance in the fitting and removal of prosthetics i.e. hook, wooden leg, eyepatch, etc.
- Reading the sentences of doomed captives and insubordinate co-workers at plank-walkings, keelhaulings, banishment to desert islands, etc.
- Nailing of coins of various denominations, Doubloons, Piece's of Eight, etc to various components of the sailing vessel as directed by the Captain when motivating the assembled crew from the Quarterdeck
- Care and feeding of the parrot
- Available to Captain for occasional errands: morning coffee, rum rations, escort of captured high-born ladies to the quarters for afternoon tea and engaging conversation when at sea, procurement and escort of low-born ladies to Captain’s quarters for other more rambunctious activities when in port
- Devise and maintain a shipboard filing system
- Kill on command as Captain requests
Requirements
- A minimum of 1 year at sea in the service of sovereign navy or private merchant vessel. Previous pirate experience not required
- Knowledge of shipboard management systems and procedures
- Experience in an abattoir, charnel house, or a similarly bloody death filled environment would be considered an advantage
- Familiarity with the latest black powder technology and applications would be helpful
- Ability to multitask, prioritize daily workload and kill without remorse required
- Excellent verbal and written communications skills including a fine hand with a quill and ink essential
- Proficiency with saber or rapier required. Willing to train the right applicant in the operation of blunderbuss
- Former Street Urchins and Powder Monkeys are encouraged to apply
Benefits
- Salary commensurate with bloodthirstiness and motivation of the applicant to plunder and kill at will.
- Free rum rations daily and double rations on Sea Shanty Saturdays
- In the event of dismemberment prosthetic devices supplied free of charge
Get on board with the fastest-growing company in the industry! Applicants are invited to apply in person at The Devils Arms Pub, 33 Dead Man’s Quay, Covent Garden, London. Look forward to meeting you!
Thanks to Cap’n Susan Brearley for the writers’ prompt.
Tagging Rachael Ann Sand as requested Cap’n.
