MAKING MONDAY MUDDY AGAIN
Mudditor’s Monday Marauding Madhouse
In which, dear reader, I try to figure out what happened
Hour 1: Bedlam
As usual, no one wanted to take notes. To do so means you have a responsibility to write and publish the minutes, and who wants to take on that kind of responsibility?
“Not I,” said the duck.
“Not I,” said the cat.
“Not I,” said the hamster.
In line with the old adage, SRDH, here I am, your old buddy Baskerville Old Face, better known as BOF, hard at work on it.
Okay, let’s look at these notes:
“The mudditors have betrayed feminism.” WTF? Sorry, I have no idea what that was about. Something about Women’s Mysteries and the sudden proliferation of brodditors maybe.
“Robustus” and “No one can figure out what BOF is talking about.” Okay, that’s easy. Someone brought up the word robust and I thought they were talking about my email address. I started to explain I’m not actually Homo Sapiens sapiens but Australopithecus Robustus. No one had any idea what I was talking about, but then no one was listening either. Rachael Ann Sand was too busy talking about her butt, Amy Sea was rolling beds around, and Carol Lennox was having trouble being seen. It was clear the meeting had devolved into an episode of The Brady Bunch.
Later we got on the topic of learned or feigned helplessness. Rachael said she has never learned to host a zoom meeting and as long as she doesn’t know how, she won’t be expected to. She likes it that way. Similarly, when she was a nanny Rachael taught a kid to help with the dishwasher. The kid said not to tell his parents. As long as they didn’t know his newfound skill, his parents wouldn’t expect him to do it. Smart kid. Maybe he’ll take notes at our next meeting.
Gary Chapin, the newest member — God help him — of the MuddyUm editorial team, is having trouble using his chain saw. His wife has to use it for him, but only outside. She cuts up the outside wood, following which Gary manfully splits the shortish logs she creates, then takes it — the chainsaw that is — inside and cuts up the furniture in case they run out of wood to heat the house. Or something.
Anu Anniah couldn’t be present this morning, so we assigned her the responsibility for the Thanksgiving newsletter. We are sneaky like that. Newsletters are not necessarily funny, rather, they are compilations of funny, like Anu’s monthly and much loved “MuddyUm 3+1” blast.
Because he is one sick puppy, BOF suggested, “Why I am grateful for the SARS-CoV-2 virus” as the Thanksgiving prompt for this year. Rachael, who bears the misfortune of living in Minnesota, was having none of it, after spending more than a week trying to find a hospital that would admit her when she dislocated her shoulder, or something. Maybe all the hospitals in the area were overflowing with people going blind from ivermectin poisoning.
Speaking of puppies, the second newest mudditor after Gary, Andrew Rodwin, Brudditor, NaCL, desperate for attention, brought his dog Luna on screen. That never fails. Soon all the little Zoom squares overflowed with dogs and cats. When that died down we finally got to actual business.
Hour 2: Actual business
Susan Brearley attempted to provide some coherence to the MuddyUm image use policy.
SB: “Basically, it is up to the writers to do their own due diligence. We ask the questions. Certain companies, such as Tiffany, are ball busters, but — “
Oh no. She just had to go and say “but,” initiating another half hour of random butt jokes.
Rachael: “You never know when something old that you wrote…”
Amy, interrupting: “Will get off its butt!”
Things went downhill from there.
When we finally crashed into the butt-joke sandbank, Susan let fall the useful fact — assuming it is a fact and not just something she made up on the spot — that any images from a site with a .gov extension are fair game, being that we already paid for them with taxes.
We all agreed we need a new article under the Outlaws tab concerning where to find images. That turned into a conversation about how the new writers invariably fail to include a kicker, and put periods at the ends of their subtitles, because who has time to wade through Outlaws after BOF cluttered the place with his second-rate how-to articles?
Speaking of the Outlaws tab, should we have several tiers of articles?
For Dummies, for Normies, for Geniuses?
Bad idea. Using “For Dummies” is a trademark violation. And who qualifies as a normie, anyway?
For the Struggling, For the Panicking, For Those on the Point of Doing Something Rash?
Also a bad idea. Could be triggering.
101, 201, 301?
Much better. The numbers make it about the material rather than the consumer. This was the contribution of our resident professional educator, Gary.
The meeting almost got derailed again with as we began complaining that there are not enough articles on Medium complaining about Medium. Or enough articles complaining about the articles complaining about Medium. Or enough articles complaining about the articles complaining about the articles complaining about Medium. Or something.
Why, we all wonder, is Ev trying to turn Medium into a podcast? When will they dismiss all the writers and remaining volunteer editors and let the AI generate everything? We can’t wait to get back to our perfect lives.
At length we got back on track and discussed Comedy Camp. When will it be? May 2022 or June 2022? Will it be rated PG? When is it more offensive to repress swear words with stuff like $#%^ rather than just coming right out and saying them? What are the metaphysics of swearing? Has anyone read Nine Nasty Words by John McWorter or Word Slut by Amanda Montell? Wait, weren’t we discussing Comedy Camp?
All of this made Carol so crazy she had to leave. She is so serious-minded.
We finally got back to business long enough to discuss some inside baseball type matters which you don’t want to know about. Trust me. No one would ever submit another article to MuddyUm if they knew that shit.
Next we discussed the newest MuddyUm Writer’s Contest. You know, the one with the $6.00 grand prize. I have no idea what is going on. It was my turn not to pay attention.
The final order of business discussed was the do-over of the MuddyUm Zoomathon. Since the last one was such a disaster, we will wait until January 2022 at least, and implement appropriate security protocols, including but not limited to:
- Waiting Room
- Password
- Vaccination requirement: All participants must email a COVID vaccination card selfie
- COVID test requirement: Proof of negative PCR test within 72 hours of the Zoomathon
- Passport requirement: No Americans will be allowed in
- Genome requirement: All participants must email their full genome codes
- Character references: 42 character references will be required
- For men only: Proof of circumcision
- Security Guards
- Bouncers
As you can see it will be so much fun.
Don’t miss it!