Summary

Gaurav, a self-proclaimed top writer on Medium, humorously recounts a fictional self-invited interview with Coffee Times, where he exaggerates his achievements and satirizes the Medium writing community.

Abstract

In a satirical piece titled "My Exclusive Interview As Medium’s Top Writer," Gaurav, who claims to have recently earned a top writer badge on Medium, humorously details a mock interview with Coffee Times. He portrays himself as a man of great importance, boasting about his influence and achievements in robotics, while also poking fun at the Medium community, including other notable writers like Kristina God and Tim Denning. Throughout the interview, Gaurav makes grandiose statements about his own writing prowess, his contributions to Medium, and his interactions with fellow writers, all the while maintaining a tongue-in-cheek tone that underscores the satirical nature of the article.

Opinions

Gaurav views himself as superior to other writers on Medium, considering himself the sole reason for his success and belittling the achievements of others.
He sarcastically implies that other writers, such as Kristina God and Tim Denning, are not as noteworthy as his own self-perceived status.
Gaurav mockingly suggests that his participation in a writing competition was a favor to the judges and expresses confusion over not winning.
He humorously refers to himself as a "robot God" and "douche rocket," showcasing his self-importance and satirical take on his own reputation within the Medium community.
Gaurav jokingly advises readers to focus on writing quality content, while simultaneously engaging in self-promotion, which contradicts his own advice.
The article concludes with a disclaimer from Coffee Times distancing themselves from Gaurav's opinions, emphasizing that the interview is purely satirical and not endorsed by the publication.

HUMOR | SATIRE

My Exclusive Interview As Medium’s Top Writer

Mr. G is in the house, Yo!

Photo by Jason Goodman | Unsplash Photo Community

Disclaimer from Drashti Shroff: this is NOT part of our Coffee Times Interview series. Assume at your own risk!

Since I won the top writer badge last week, I was waiting for NY Times to contact me for an exclusive interview. I get it that they haven’t reached out yet because Omicron happened.

So, I invited myself to do an exclusive with Coffee Times. It is a win-win for everybody. It will help improve their pub’s following, and the world will learn about this enigma, i.e., me.

I thought of doing Drashti Shroff an unsolicited favor by allowing her to ask me these questions hand-picked by me. We, Indians, take care of each other. It will do her journalistic career one better than interviewing a couple of amateur newbie pub owners. I don’t want to name names Winston and Robert Ralph.

If she sues me, I will plead the fifth.

Drashti: Coffee Times can’t thank you enough for this exclusive opportunity. It is an honor to be your interviewer today, your excellency, royal highness, and Medium’s Top Writer in Reading.

Gaurav: Mr. G is in the house, Yo! No problem, Drashti. The pleasure is all yours. I have nothing but free time. My wife yelled at me that I should do something worthwhile than sitting on my lazy bum binge-watching TV.

Do you have the questions I hand-picked for this interview myself?

Drashti: Yes, I do. And we can’t write enough songs of praises in your honor for your generosity Mr. G. Would you be so kind to bless our audience by telling something about yourself?

Gaurav: Well, I am a very humble man. Do you know I flew a thousand miles just to eat lunch?

I work in the field of Robotics. I lead a team of 221 engineers, across the globe, who have created forty robots in the last three years. On top of that, I have three TVs, four cars, and one wife.

I am a man of brains, a man of dignity who coerced a sane girl to be my insane wife with an infinite loop of begging.

Drashti: Wow, that is amazing! You are brilliant Mr. G. You are like a robot God. Do you know have our own Kristina God on Medium.

Gaurav: Is she the one who writes satire and funny sex stories?

Drashti: No, Mr. G. That is Christine Stevens, the humor legend. Kristina God is a writing enthusiast, a leader, and the best self-promoter on this platform. She does so much for the entire community. Have you read her?

Gaurav: Ah! the lady who moved to an island. She runs some boot camp or something, right? Do you know how I can order new boots from her camp? Winter is coming, and I can use a new pair.

Even though I have nothing but free time, I don’t read anybody else on Medium except me.

But a little birdie told me that KG lost three email subscribers. Man, that’s harsh after posting back-to-back short form, long-form and an epic about the same topic.

And who is this Tim Denning kid she fangirls over? Is he any good?

Drashti: I don’t know how this interview is going to help you Mr. G but KG is awesome and TD is the best. You just got your first top writer. They have multiple across multiple genres.

Gaurav: Oh, Drashti! What’s in the number? ‘Top-writer’ or ‘serial-top-writer’ — same to same.

Drashti: Anyways, who is your favorite writer on Medium?

Gaurav: I have got three words for you, Drashti — Me, me, and me.

Drashti: C’mon, Mr. G. I know you are a top writer and all, and no one can match you but, there must be someone who can be a close second or third?

Gaurav: I don’t believe in favoritism. You see, I am my favorite. But I wrote an article couple of weeks back, for a competition, highlighting four kids with potential. I thought I will make the decision harder for the judges by participating myself.

But then this funny lady Sally Prag did something amazeballs. She first gives me a special mention and then disqualifies me. It’s like you get nominated for Oscar but, then you are not. She is one confused judge, I tell you.

Drashti: Yes, I read your article and even commented on it. I think you were top-notch. You should have won.

I heard that you recently joined KiKi Walter on her team as an editor for The Memoirist. Could you tell us something about that?

Gaurav: Yeah! as a top writer you need to support these newcomers, you know. What happened was that KiKi came up with a gem in one of her pieces. And I am a gem addict. Who isn’t right? So, without her consent, I became the brand ambassador for that gem. Mr. G aka douche rocket — How cool is that!

Look, I don’t want to use this interview to promote anyone, but everyone should check out The Memoirist — mama KiKi’s brainchild.

Drashti: Will do, Mr. G. There is nothing self-promotional about this interview. In fact, everyone will learn so much from this transcript. It was a pleasure to interview you today. Any last message for our readers?

Gaurav: Thank you, Drashti being such a sport to do this unsolicited interview. I am glad that I could give your writing career an uplift.

I would like to remind everyone that Medium is a writing platform first. So, everyone should be focused on writing quality content (like me), keep reading and cheering me (like me), and no self-promoting yourself (like me).

The above-presented views are the author’s opinion and his alone. Coffee Times does not endorse or agree with everything said above. We love every author tagged above except for Mr. G himself. We agree that he is indeed a douche rocket. We advise the readers that this is just a piece of satirical humor and is not part of the Coffee Times Interview Series led by our esteemed editor Drashti Shroff. Mr. G is hereby put on a lifetime ban for the Interview Series.

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Flew A Thousand Miles to Eat Lunch

And Liam Neeson kissed my wife

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