Moving On From Toxic Relationships

Becoming a Better You

I’m an aspiring therapist and I’ve already spent a handful of years working and volunteering closely with individuals across the lifespan, including, but not limited to, struggling couples and individuals.

In some cases, an individual is faced with a decision on whether or not to stay in their relationship. After weighing the pros and cons of the therapeutic cost-benefit analysis, both parties may decide that it's time to move on.

So you’re in a relationship and you have decided that the person you are with is no longer worth it. Perhaps they hurt really hurt you badly and violated your trust.

Letting go of potentially toxic people is not easy. It’s easy for most of us to view someone else’s life and tell them to move on, but when it’s ourselves, it can be hard to make that decision to let go.

I mean, it’s our emotions and lives on the line here. Whatever choice you make seems to spill into a series of domino effects. The decision is eating you alive — and you want some sense of clarity.

1. Go Over the Pros and Cons and Make a Safety Plan

Remember, leaving is a big decision that will affect your life. I know it’s hard, but consider asking yourself this question:

Is this person worth my time and effort?

As you ask yourself this question, go over the pros and cons of each decision. Don’t take this decision lightly, actually sit down and write things out.

If they are not worth the effort, then you have to move on. If that means physically moving away from people, surrounding yourself with new people, and creating a safety plan, then that’s what you’re going to do.

For example, your safety plan can go like this:

“If I move away, I will move to grandma’s house, away from the influences of the problematic ex. I’m going to seek moral support and figure out my finances.”

“If I walk out soon, I will try to pack my belongings, and have my friend support me for a short bit. I will eventually find a job just to pay rent.”

Of course, it’s not easy making a safety plan specific to your situation. Take as much time as you need and be as logical as you can. You’re worthy of respect, just like everyone else, and you need people to support that respect.

2. Remind Yourself That We Cannot Change Others

It takes two to tango, and two people to make a situation different. Perhaps you want to move on and the other person doesn’t. However, we cannot control how the person ultimately feels and what they end up doing.

The only thing we can control in this situation is how we respond to these terrible situations. We can cry, we can be miserable, and we can feel anger. We can curl into a ball — but we also can move on, plan ahead, and take care of ourselves as well.

If we cannot care for ourselves, then how are we supposed to take care of other people? Most importantly, how are others supposed to care for us if we cannot help ourselves?

So for now, focus on yourself, and when the time passes, then you can focus on others. You’ve made the decision to move on, so let’s focus on you developing a coping plan. For example, maybe this coping plan consists of:

• Finding a job for financial independence
• A hobby to keep your mind busy
• Friends and allies who can support your transition

Either way, you’re very brave and I’m proud of you. It’s not easy having to be out there on your own, but you can do it. It’s your life on the line and we only have one life to live.

3. Think About What Could Be Holding You Back

Sometimes, even when we want to leave others, a part of us misses the old moments and memories. However, you’ve decided that you wanted to move on because the cons outweighed the pros in your cost-benefit analysis.

Perhaps you can type out and print out this pros and cons list as a reminder for the reasons that you are leaving. Maybe you are leaving because:

• The partner violated their trust and hurt you very badly
• The partner did something to another family member
• You are fearful of your immediate safety
• You are fearful about the state of your children

Either way, just remind yourself of these important reasons. Something in you told you to leave, so trust that gut instinct. Maybe years from now, you’ll read something in the paper about your former flame. Maybe not — but it’s always best to focus on our sanity and keep ourselves safe.

4. Develop a Growth Mindset and Move Forward

It’s clear that you were the victim of a terrible situation and yes, it’s hard to move on, however, when it comes to hurtful situations, we have to find new ways to keep ourselves busy.

Instead of being a defeatist and allowing these bad circumstances to define you, you need to be open towards working towards a new goal, such as through a growth mindset.

Maybe this might mean pursuing a new craft or goal until new and unexpected pathways emerge.

First, distract yourself with meaningful activities, commitments, pursuits, and hobbies. Second, sift through what seems to be working. Finally, in due time, it will become much easier to process the pain — and many of you will find your true calling and maybe even a more suitable partner.

Once you go down, you can only go up. While it’s not easy, you have it in you to keep going. You’ve already gone through so much and parts of what has happened were out of your control. It is not your fault — the world harmed you — and you kind of have to move onward.

As Helen Hollick once wrote,

Change has to come for life to struggle forward.

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