avatarerohtar isnam

Summary

The poem "Mourning of Ray" reflects on the complex relationship between the speaker and a nurturer, marked by simultaneous love and hatred, and grapples with the pain of loss and the struggle to understand the nature of love.

Abstract

"Mourning of Ray" is a poignant piece of poetry that delves into the emotional turmoil experienced by the speaker after the loss of a nurturer. The speaker reflects on the duality of their relationship, acknowledging moments of hatred for the nurturer's smothering love, yet also expressing deep sorrow and emptiness in the wake of their absence. The poem explores themes of dependency, identity, and the fear of not being truly loved for oneself. It reveals the speaker's internal conflict, as they struggle to reconcile their past aversion to the nurturer's love with their current sense of loss and the realization that their hatred may have been a form of self-loathing. The nurturer's love, once a source of discomfort, is now mourned, and the speaker is left questioning the authenticity of the nurturer's affection and their own capacity to love in return.

Opinions

  • The speaker expresses a deep sense of regret and confusion over their complex feelings towards the nurturer, who is both resented and missed.
  • There is a persistent fear that the nurturer's love was not for the speaker but for an idealized version of them, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
  • The poem conveys the speaker's struggle with their identity, feeling like a mere reflection of someone else's creation rather than an individual with their own worth.
  • The speaker acknowledges their own role in the strained relationship, recognizing that their rejection of the nurturer's love was a rejection of a part of themselves.
  • The nurturer's constant presence is both a source of comfort and a source of constraint, highlighting the tension between dependence and the desire for independence.
  • The poem suggests that the speaker's hatred was a defense mechanism against the vulnerability that comes with accepting and reciprocating love.

POETRY ON MEDIUM

Mourning of Ray

Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

It hurts when I look back, nurturer, to what I did to you and what you did to me. Isn't it the truth we hated each other yet loved the sense of being around one another? Now you are no more and I don't know what to do with the life you've left me. I never considered living past you and here I am, sitting on my cramping feet, begging for all this to be a dream. It hurts to know you hurt Before you left, those few minutes must be scary I wish I could take that away from you. Were you in pain, nurturer? Or did you pass peacefully? How do I live alone without your constant gaze following my every step. You helped me when I fell and even when I learned to walk, You didn't let go. It hurts to know how much I hated you for loving me, for caressing my leaves and feeding my roots. I tried not to, I wish I didn't flinch away but it was like snakes under my skin crawling to escape. Maybe that's what I am, a snake. You loved me and I wished to for as long as we lived. Did you love me, nurturer? Did you really? Or you love my idea built by you? I know you loved your creation But did you love me? I was your creation, yet your love felt distant. As if I saw you love another flower just like me but very far. it looked like me but the warmth of your love for her never reached me. it looked like me but it was a sculpture you built and I was just a reflection of her you only carried along out of bewilderment. Me or her, you never knew the difference. It hurts, nurturer, to see that flower, now still sneering at me. I know it is still loved and I still fear it. Your love scared me but it didn't go with you, it's here, with that sapling and I'm here holding my breath. It hurts, nurturer, that I hated you so much I forgot my hate was for me. I hated myself for not loving your love, for not being the creation you prayed for, for letting myself live under your shadow When I needed sunlight, for growing to hate you for loving a part of me That wasn't even me for a long time.

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Poetry
Trauma
Poetry On Medium
Poetry Writing
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