Mortgage One’s Soul
Mortgage One’s Soul — Chapter 1 — Choosing — Part 3
Mircea Dan, Day 1, Indecision
Merticaru Dorin Nicolae
(To Part 2) — (Content) — (To Part 4)
Mircea Dan — Day 1 — Indecision
He woke up jumping out of sleep… The test?!? But his gaze met the darkness, and he sank limply, drawn by the weakness of sleepiness, back into the armchair. He got angry sensing the fear, the feeling so familiar to him once, stirring up everything that could solve his state of tranquility. Had his fatalism triumphed?
I must think about something… But what? His thoughts were spasmodically confused: sometimes piloting maneuvers, sometimes silence, Ada, sometimes Thank, sometimes fragments of perceptions from transport flights, a new silence…
He decided to look for work to stop the avalanche of feelings. He arranged everything he saw fit, mechanical, or not. In the end, he spun around the room trying to find something to hang on to, probably forgotten, but he found himself fixing the alarm clock.
“Done, I’m done!” he decreed tiredly. “Even if I still have something to do, I must solve the problem in a few years, when I return. I would not like to think that everything will end too quickly. It would mean I missed out.” Then he becomes aware of the reality of the test with all that it implies.
New and new avalanches of thoughts began to harass him, to crush him. In a desperate effort, he decided to lie down on the bed to sleep… But sleep did not stick to him.
The loneliness imposed by the transport flights had left its mark on him. He had become strangely curious, the kind of permanent seeker. The frustrations of life until then and, why not, the next one as well, made him search for the truth, to understand the essence of what he had experienced…
A truth that did not want to show its true face, to make itself present, palpable, even though his decision as an evaluator of what he had experienced… Or… Was there just nothing to his liking?!?
For this reason, he came to hate every moment of solitude… But this was his life. He was obliged by his profession to spend time alone during long transport flights. And that… it sure drove you even more crazy as long as you had things you couldn’t find a solution to no matter what you did…
When he had the chance to converse with someone from his guild… They were all genuine taciturn people. With whom to exchange experiences and opinions?!? Who to talk to?!? How to ask someone’s opinion on the riddles of his life?!?
The company computer, the one that knows everything, but with its tweaks, came up with other solutions… “Big win?!?” he laughed to himself. The life of the pilots, perhaps of anyone, was dominated by what could be called directly, voluntary solitude.
Or this became unbearable if you had something on your mind if you were looking for something. And, whatever he tried to do, he wouldn’t have had a chance… Because he couldn’t accept the past and probable future course of the events he had experienced.
That’s how he came to the desire to be a zero pilot and the permanent desire to contact them. The legends related to them could be found anywhere either due to propaganda or simply out of curiosity to find them. He had heard of the complexity of the training of these pilots but also of the distinctive character from what he considered “the boring normal of his tangible life”.
I don’t think that so many things are asked of these boys for nothing… And their way of being, as if they always live the last day of their lives, and to talk as much as possible, to love each other as much as possible… It is not born from anything… It must perceive these feelings from some strange missions.
Even the way to advance in their hierarchical structure says it all… Achievements, bravery, virtue, highlighting… Many things related to the reactions in the missions… Otherwise, there would have been only a tie based on seniority and skills…
He had talked at length with his ilk and even zero pilots. But he still hadn’t been able to get a complete picture of what they were doing. It’s dangerous, but worth it! they said, in a kind of unison, that it was impossible not to lead you to the idea of a standard answer, imposed by their status or some propagandistic training.
But your adventure can end at any time, right? There are so many cases of “zero” that disappeared suddenly, forever… Where is this “worth”? If tomorrow is this disappearance?!? Tell us something, and let’s see why you so definitely consider it worth it! Secret, secret, secret, they always answered… Eh, maybe not always…
But all you got, sometimes, were elements without details, from which you couldn’t understand much anyway. Several offered authorized broadcasts, news, and other official media sources. And, no matter how everyone involved their style in the discussions, you were still left with a constant…
They all emphasized that death comes anyway, independent of individual will, and they are the only ones who can boast that they have a chance to fight it, death… Only they could say to death: “Not today!”, “Today is a good day to die!” or “This is how I choose to die!”.
Cheap theater, shock, terribleness, a general way to shut the mouth of those who want to know more… or too much… Who knows?!? The sourest were his colleagues… With whom he saw, in the happiest case, every two years. They had come to accuse him of madness, compared to those of the zero degrees who accused him of stupidity…
Significant was the incident with Vincenzo who, due to older problems with the “zero boys” had told him that he would no longer consider him a friend just because he thought about such a thing.
What happened Dan, your body doesn’t fit where it is?!? the others said. Or, worse… Do you consider that we are no longer on your side, and you are looking to get among the “zero boys” who would be more or less equal to you?!?
Well, it was as if all his colleagues had talked to each other… The most discouraging was Eleniak, an old academy colleague who, by the will of fate, ended up pilot zero: “What do you think, Dan, that with us everything is “on pink” like in the incorporation ads?!? Do you think you know what we do from what someone like you can hear? That… I don’t think anyone has risked their peace to tell you something about what we do, especially since everyone knows you to be noisy and dizzy… Look at the banality of your life and leave your silly ambitions! You will find a new Ada…”.
It has nothing to do with anything related to my current desires! he answered, then, nervously.
Eleniak continues his speech: “Don’t you see that you are not even able to be convincing in this regard! You always have the same answer… And its proof that Ada hasn’t left your head, you fool… You haven’t healed even now after suffering from your stupid feelings?!? Or do you think that if you end up pilot zero, you have any chance of getting ahead of him? Thank is too high to even have a chance to tickle his position…”
Nonsense, he told himself every time… None of the dialogues held discouraged him. More… He could have said that all this made him even more ambitious to become a zero pilot.
Perhaps he wanted to convince himself of the unfairness of his choice even if, once there, he could not give up… Zero pilots are elite in which, once you are there, you are not allowed to “fall” …
His thoughts regain their independence, and he gets even more angry, finding that he is no longer able to follow a logical thread. He noticed the glass with the rest of the alcohol and emptied it in one gulp. He refilled it and… he began to enjoy the drink, constantly trying to fight the onslaught of memories…
From the carefree boy, he became a freak who self-mutilated with all kinds of reproaches. Why?!? He was aware that everything was due to his eternal failures, but he had nothing to do…
In everything he did, he put his heart and effort, so that everything would give him the feeling that he had done everything possible, but… every time he seemed to fail.
Initially, he thought that the job of a pilot was the best option for him, for his type of being… But, in a short time, he realized that he was not made for such a thing. If he wasn’t mistaken, he noticed this right from the academy classroom, even if he never wanted to admit it…
And then it was too late… Ada had appeared in his life… And now he couldn’t answer the question: “Why did he give up the search and accept the sacrifice of himself for his love?”.
There was also the version in which he considered that the failure of his relationship with Ada caused him to no longer like the job of pilot… And, especially, transport.
The feeling that he was attending an academy he didn’t want, maybe it was due to his relationship with Ada?!? Or Ada’s achievement aspirations?!? Even he could not make a distinction, a choice as the direct owner of the perceptions and feelings born from this… It is certainly just a constant, tormenting sensation… he felt that he did not understand then that the realization of Ada meant only another love, which would offer him support, the strength necessary to realize her dreams. Dreams of power… Material or spiritual?!? In any case, she didn’t have an answer to justify her actions either. Or so she said… And…
Hey, the test… I need to rest! And I’m thinking about problems “ruminated” for years and years in a row?!? I must sleep, he thought, emptying another glass of alcohol… Holy Power, I’ve gone crazy, he exclaims at the sight of the empty alcohol bottle. I drank the whole bottle! I’m not healthy! I don’t think I’ve ever drunk so much…Damn my luck!
Then he lay down on the bed. But the will to sleep from alcohol does not help them at all and the thoughts resume their attack…
Loneliness was the only disadvantage of his life. Maybe if he hadn’t been so lonely, everything would have been different. At least he would have had a goal, an objective to keep him afloat. Whenever he had the opportunity and was in someone’s company, he transformed incredibly. Many times, he also marveled at his fickleness. However, everyone in his guild was taciturn… Where could he find the compromise?!?
The activity was an older obsession of his. Once upon a time he hardly ever had time for his problems. He did not remember exactly if, in those moments, he had so many problems of conscience, to feel so much insecurity, uncertainty, guilt, or others in everything that was related to his soul.
From birth he had problems… He came into the world in a family difficult to understand, of which he only really knew the part represented by the mother… A suffocatingly loving and giving mother, but cold, far, far from everything that was around her… And calculated every gesture that depended on his life in the family and outside of it.
This contrast made him feel a strange loneliness, even when he was in her arms, even when he felt her caresses and kisses… He always felt her cold, far, far from everything.
Over time, all his attempts to prove to his mother that he complies with the demands and the chances of integration into the elite “followed” by her, were doomed to failure. Whatever he did, he could not truly satisfy that being who was in the position of mother.
As for the father?!? He was just a kind of distant friend… Literally… Attentive, warm, a good example in life for anyone… And that’s it. After all, he was not his natural father… He was only Sir Corasdo…
The escape attempt followed… No, not because he was fed up… No! He did this because he was effectively kicked out by Anda, his mother. Corasdo always fought for his presence by his side. But he had no chance, he was not his natural father. Or maybe because he wanted to save something from the image of his parents and friends. He loved them, no matter how much coldness and indifference they gave him.
That’s how he became a student at the academy. Maybe it was all nothing but his desire to please them, to show them that he can handle himself. But here followed the relationship with Ada, his first true love and… The “evil” appearance of Thank… He shuddered pleasantly remembering Ada… How beautiful everything was but how unpleasant was the loneliness that followed.
Just me and the Holy Power… Okay, okay, I admit, more me… Then he suddenly felt depressed. Unexpectedly, tears flooded his eyes, then his cheeks… All my life I was alone… No matter how much I fought not to be like that, no matter how many people I had by my side and in my life… Even when I was with Ada, I couldn’t escape loneliness… And, Ema, why is she alone even if she is with me?!? Why so much trouble?!? And he remembered Ada’s words:
“Don’t you realize that even love can’t lift you out of loneliness, no matter how hard you try?!? Life is the safest prison. We like to claim that it’s not like that… Or, at least, I think so… When I told you that you gave me the absolute, I didn’t lie to you for a moment. But I need more than love, love, the feeling of absoluteness that he offered me in abundance.
It is true that when you experience love, the troubles are halved and the joys are doubled, but this is not related to hunger, it is not related to my desires related to my style, to the needs of presence that I have applied to live in society, among friends, to a certain level of security related to one’s possibilities, and so on. More! What do you think love can offer my children, or at least what I see for my children?!? Yes, our love delighted, comforted, and fulfilled my body and soul but not my mind… She always keeps me alone, she always shows me that I have needs and I am alone in the fight with them because you could not offer anything in this sense.
Thank calmed my mind in every way, the soul accepted the compromises, and the body is the body. If you push the right buttons, he passes out under the most unnatural man in your life and your bed. And Thank, even if he’ll never be the miracle incarnate in you, Dan, he can push buttons I never knew existed… That’s why I’ve concluded that I was meant to be alone even if I love you, even if I’m with Thank” …
Even after these explanations, he never found a real motivation for Ada’s gesture since then… For him, everything was more wonderful than he could live before, with anyone else. Every memory, pleasant or unpleasant, was alive and lived in him with the same freshness since then it happened. Only and only in Ada’s presence. Only and only with Ada. All that he had experienced afterward were vague traces of something impossible to assimilate with what he had experienced… Ohhh…
From somewhere, a wave of unstoppable anger started that suffocated him, blocking every pleasant thought.
I’ve decided I’m going to reset everything! The desire to become a “zero pilot”, or at least an elite soldier, like my father, does not come to prove something to the one who has become a nobody. Once I’m an elite soldier, if I screw up the test, I can start over from when I finished military school when my little nightmare of life didn’t happen! he thought determinedly, finding, as it were, a way to calm down. Yes, only in the Academy, he remembered with a wry smile…
Yes, he had decided this for a long time, he returned nervously to his initial thoughts… “It would be nice if he found some kind of way that would answer the question “What would have happened if Ada had not existed?!?”. He could not find any other solution to banish her from his soul. And he had tried countless actions…
Of these, some are particularly wonderful, such as Ema. But what is the point of this wonderful existence, as long as he feels guilty every time, he compares what he lives with the past… When he steals from the freshness and sincerity of what Ema offers.
Maybe he wasted the best part of his youth, completely and pointlessly consuming someone or something that didn’t deserve it… Hmmm, yes, Ada, for sure… And maybe that’s why he can’t find the energy to live anymore what Ema offers him… Or what others have offered him, what does it matter?!? He is no longer capable of the experiences of that time…
Ohhh, decision, action! Give up the old pleasures… Pains… So…
I have concluded that a continuation of the then-broken military career of his youth is the best solution. The military training sessions that followed, and the granting of the rank of major will propel him, surely in activities that will make him forget even himself, what power would he have a great disillusionment, whether it is Ada or not?!?
I will shortly decide that effect, regardless of Corasdo’s requests to waive such considerations. He always thought that the army was not for me… Hmmm, then where did all the performances that I proved over time come from?!?
And, if I stayed on that line of action, of the military career, wasn’t I now mentally better?!? And not only that… Materially, I think I was in a much better position… I’m no longer discussing hierarchical landmarks…
But here he is, almost drunk, with a wounded heart that won’t heal, with a lot of dissatisfaction and a great fear of the unknown of the morning. And his thoughts were lost in another sleep session…
