Monogamy Isn’t Working — Not the Way We Do It

But don’t worry — I’ve got a paradigm shift for you…

“A woman owes her man regular sex. If I’m not having sex with her, I lose the right to insist she not have sex with someone else.”

I get this comment so regularly, I can almost predict when the next one will appear. It’s like men are talking about wild animals marking their territory with urine and feces — only their “territory” is another person and their scent-marking is accomplished with semen. Honestly, this mindset makes me gag.

And though it’s not as “Wild Kingdom” on women’s side, I’ve even heard them talk about their marriages in a similar way. They insist it’s important to keep things fresh and spicy in the bedroom. They talk about how hard a woman should work to “keep it tight” (meaning her body and her pussy). They encourage each other to put on a full face of makeup every day, even when they are working out or sick. And why? To mitigate the possibility of their husbands having an affair.

And let’s be fair and completely flip this situation, because that happens, too — just in a different way. I know countless women who don’t want their husbands to maintain friendships with women (especially single women), who don’t want their husbands to talk to their ex-girlfriends, who don’t want them watching porn… (Though that last one can become problematic.)

What is going on with people in monogamous, heterosexual relationships — particularly marriages? Are we so far gone that we actually believe we have the right to control other people’s bodies?

After writing about sex and relationships for the past four years, I’m not convinced very many people actually know what monogamy means. In fact, as far as I can see, it seems many people believe it to be some form of sexual slavery. And even more incredibly, they seem to be okay with it.

Admittedly, I’m not at all surprised that men are okay with that. That’s just been the norm for the past four thousand years or so. Why wouldn’t so many of them expect that?

It’s harder to see how many women are still conditioned to believe this — both about themselves and what they think they owe to their partners to earn a man’s fidelity, and what they think they deserve in return.

Is this monogamy? These complicated sexual transactions we allegedly owe to one another? That only sex-on-demand will prevent the other partner from straying?

Merriam-Webster and every other source I checked, including Wikipedia and WebMD have a much simpler definition: monogamy is the practice of only having one sexual partner (in marriage or not).

I have yet to find any source that defines monogamy as a sexual obligation to another person. You know why? Because that’s called rape or sexual slavery.

No one owes another person their body under any circumstances. Not even marriage.

The assertion that men so often make that a girlfriend or wife who doesn’t want to have sex with the same frequency as her male partner is “controlling his body” is not only absurd, but rape rationalization. If he is unhappy with the frequency of sex in his relationship, he has an abundance of ethical options from which to choose, including the following:

• Cultivate a sexual relationship with yourself — this is a critical practice that will build self-love, improve your current romantic relationship, and challenge your own self-imposed sexual limitations
• Talk to your partner about your desire to have more sex and explore ways to meet that need outside of traditional intercourse that work for both of you
• Explore a renegotiation of the relationship agreement, including potentially opening the relationship
• Have a “come to Jesus” talk and decide if this relationship is right for you in the long run — and if not, move ahead with a divorce/breakup

A man in a monogamous relationship who has a wife or girlfriend who isn’t engaging in sex as often as he would like — or is even going through a full-on dry spell — is not controlling his body. This perspective is an example of sexual coercion and a product of rape culture.

A woman doesn’t owe a man her body, even if she married him. She is a person, not an object that was purchased.

Expecting her to have sex at a frequency that pleases her partner whether she wants to or not…that’s controlling another person’s body. And following through with that expectation through coercion or force is rape.

And yes, that goes for all genders.

When I first heard the term “ethical non-monogamy,” I remember thinking it was such a beautiful, empowering descriptor. But over time, I started to realize that part of the reason I loved it so much was because it’s clear that it came into being because of our widely practiced and socially accepted non-ethical monogamy.

In other words, this beautiful expansion into normalizing and exploring polyamorous relationships needed to define itself outside of what was already the cultural norm: monogamous people having affairs. And more precisely, monogamous, married men with one or more mistresses on the side.

Why is “non-ethical monogamy” the norm? Because heterosexual monogamous marriage was designed for the benefit of men, while turning women into commodities. (There’s no time to go into that now, but you can skim my article about unhappy married women here.) Within a historical context, it’s no wonder men are more likely to cheat, and no wonder that men believe their wives and girlfriends owe them sex.

It also explains how women got to the point where we began to play along with the scheme, or even had similar expectations of sexual claim over our male partners, in exchange for our sexual availability.

We still haven’t fully rebuilt the structure of monogamy so that it works in the modern world.

What would it look like?

I think we have to start with the basics: that monogamy is an agreement made between two sovereign human beings of equal worth. That last part is essential and the hardest peak we have to summit here in an oppressive patriarchy.

Once we’ve mastered that (call me when we get there…I won’t be holding my breath), then we have to focus on the agreement. The agreement is about how the relationship would ideally function. Where will they live? Do they want to have kids? How will they split the bills?

And yes, this agreement includes that they want an exclusive relationship with one another.

Please note that a monogamous relationship is not a bargain you struck with another person that prevents them from having sex with someone else. You can’t do that. You don’t own their body. I don’t care what gender you are or what gender they are.

You can promise them your fidelity. They can promise you theirs. Period.

You don’t have to have sex with a partner when you don’t want to just to make sure they keep their promise. Each person’s promise is their own responsibility. If these promises were made with unspoken conditions of sexual transactions…that’s not ethical.

And now comes the next question that I so often hear: But what happens when the sex stops?!

Here’s something you might not want to hear: The emphasis on sex in relationships is wildly out of balance. Everything seems to come back to it, particularly for men. If a man is doing everything right, why isn’t his wife sleeping with him? If a man can’t have sex, he doesn’t have any other way to maintain his bond with his wife. If a man can’t have sex, the relationship will fall apart.

Something is very wrong here that our culture is so focused on sex as the foundation to a healthy relationship. It’s not.

Sex is the byproduct of a healthy relationship. Chew on that for a moment because I’ve got a word limit to adhere to, which means we’re gonna have to keep this moving at a brisk pace.

Remember monogamy is an agreement made between two sovereign people. This isn’t two people merging into one and all their needs and desires magically aligning. A long-term relationship is going to have lots of ups and downs in the sex department. If you agreed to stick together, that’s part of the reality of the situation.

But don’t think I have no sympathy for mismatched libidos or even a relationship in which sex becomes unavailable for an indeterminate amount of time. I am fairly certain I would struggle with that. However, as I mentioned (and listed), there are plenty of ethical options available.

And here’s the bottom line: You can pick that last option any time you want. If it becomes apparent that sex might not ever be available again, and your partner is not interested in opening the relationship, and this feels like a dealbreaker…then leave the relationship. It’s okay.

You don’t have the right to make your partner feel bad, to expect their sexual availability whenever you like, or to coerce and manipulate them into sex. But you do have the right to remove yourself from a situation in which you feel ultimately unfulfilled.

It’s not an easy route, but we’re not talking about easy here. We’re talking about ethical monogamy.

I know…it’s a major paradigm shift. But one that’s necessary if we want to experience healthy heterosexual relationships.

© Y.L. Wolfe 2023

Y.L. Wolfe is a gender-curious, solosexual, perimenopausal, childless crone-in-training, exploring these experiences through writing, photography, and art. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you love her writing, leave her a tip over at Ko-fi.

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